Asking you for help to dig myself out of a potentially life threatening big fat rut ?

[Landphil]

I'm 50 , I'm fat, I'm sad. I have no energy .I'm turning ugly .
On the plus side I have two wonderful children, a job , a home, no financial worries .
And I have a partner ( the childrens dad)I don't get along with very well .He is long term unemployed and this is clearly no fun for him and he is now looking for a job but for many years i feel as if he sponged off me And it is hard for me to forgive.

I know I need to address my health and marriage issues.

Last year I decided to get fit / in shape on the grounds that it was something I COULD change. Be kinder to my partner. ( not that I was unkind) wait till he had a job before making decisions about our future together or not. ( there is nowhere he can go if he has no money/ earning capacity )

My motivation lasted about ten weeks during which I lost a stone . Then gloom descended on me like a big pile of mud. Gradually I have regained the weight. This is a pattern I have repeated dozens of times in my adult life, and seen others do. And seen a million times on Internet threads with people banding together to support their weight loss and just falling away after a few weeks.

Life seems like a hopeless grind. I have so much to do and zero motivation to do it. I sleep a lot to escape the mental pain

Have any of you wonderful women dragged yourself out of such a rut?

I'm the same as you ( minus the marriage) and need to lose the weight for good because I have now got unidentified aches/pains/twinges and it is scaring me!

Need to lose 5 stone. Have got all the running/power walking/exercise equipment. Have the knowledge I need.

If I don't do it this year, will be 44, then I never will

It sounds like more than a rut to me, it sounds like depression. Have you been diagnosed with depression before? I could be wrong but it seems to me that being overweight is a symptom of bigger problems rather than the actual problem itself. It seems to me that you're hoping losing weight will make you feel better, but when it doesn't you lose focus and the weight comes back on.

Would you consider going to have a chat with your GP, tell him/her about how you feel?

I don't really have any advice but I didn't want to not comment! Big hug and have you been to the doctors? I know its the classic MN respinse but do you think you could be depressed?

Perhaps with the right sort of help you could better put your life in order?

I lost 9 stone in one fell swoop... by divorcing the skinny runt. I'm still fat but I'm a hell of a lot more cheerful.

I didn't want your post to go unanswered. Not sure I have any answers. I'm overweight, have about 3 stone to lose, and there are various areas of my life I need to work on.

I've decided I need to approach weight loss as a permanent lifestyle change. I know it will be hard but as you say it is one area where I have control. I think sometimes is all to easy to just give up.

In regards to your relationship only you can decide how you feel about your partner. Presumably if you split up your husband would be entitled to some sort of benefits. I know this wouldn't be ideal but do you think he knows you may leave him once he gets a job? It would explain his reluctance to look for a job.

Sounds like you are depressed
Have a chat to your gp re the feelings of hopelessness and the weight

Hope you feel better soon.

Sorry this is short, I am toddler wrangling at the moment but didn't want to leave u unanswered.

Sorry I know are you depressed is a mn standard, but having suffered needlessly myself I just had to say it!

The lack of energy and wanting to sleep all the time lead me to think you are depressed. Have you seen your GP? Do.

Yes you can do it! I'm 50 and lost 3 stone over a couple of years. The trick is DON'T DIET. You have to make small, sustainable changes to your lifestyle. One of the most important things is don't skip meals - have regular snacks during the day - a raw carrot, an apple, half a dozen nuts.

I have a hideous photo of myself from about 8 years ago which I remember looking at and thinking 'I don't want to be that person'. This summer I was selected for a GB squad in my age group and took part in a world championship sporting event.

It doesn't stop me getting miserable about other areas of my life but I'm working on that too. There is hope - go for it!!

yes, I knew you would all get it. Thanks so much.

Yes, I am depresssed. I have been on and off antidepressants for most of my adult life and often recommend them to others! I have been off them for about two years and for some reason I can't quite explain why I am reluctant to go back on them just now. (It looks stupid written down, I know )

It's something to do with feeling the need to "sort myself out" once and for all. To connect with the real me and be the best I can be .
Perhaps I should reconsider

SHirley I'm about 3 stone overweight too. I do get it completely about it being a lifestyle change .It's actually doing it that gets me every time.

FOrtyplus, thanks for being so inspiring.

Cailindana you are right that being fat is a symptom of bigger problems . However being fat adds self loathing to the other stuff and you get trapped in an ever decreasing downward spiral when you end up hating yourself and can't bear to look in the mirror, so losing weight does actually make me feel a lot better. I can't understand why the self sabotaging thing kicks in every time though.

I also know I have LOTS to be thankful for and when I read what some women here ( I've been on MN for YEARS) have in their circumstances I could weep for them . Women struggling to put food on the table, parents of disabled children coming up against obstacles in trying to love and care for them, people ttrapped in nasty , hostile or even violent relationships. I have NOTHING to feel so sad about .

Actually a kick up the arse is probably in order

Depression is an illness, it's not about feeling sad. Yes it has triggers but you don't have to be in dire circumstances in order to feel depressed, you can have everything in your life going for you and still be ill.

Have you had counselling?

Landphil - remember 'it's what you do most of the time that counts'. So if you make subtle changes to your diet, that helps. Then when you find time to exercise that'll help some more. Don't make the mistake of thinking that there's no point changing your diet yet - every little helps.

Park a little way from work and walk the last bit, run up the stairs, make sure you walk somewhere in your lunch break. Every tiny step makes a difference. And if you pig out one night and eat 3 huge bars of chocolate don't punish yourself for it by overeating the next day too and thinking there's no point!

You deserve to be slimmer and fitter, but you're the only one who can make it happen and it will take time so be patient. Aim to lose 1lb per week - no more.

Good luck!

cailindana if only you knew how many times I have said exactly that to others I know you are right. And Thanks
Yes I have had counselling . CBT and psychotherapy. Also been to relate.

Thanks again fortyplus. I like your cheery outlook!

Check out the Couch to 5k thread: there are lots of overweight non-exercising people starting it or who have been doing it for a while and lost lots of weight. Doing it by exercising would help your mood too.

I know it's easy to beat yourself up and think "If I could just get my arse in gear..." but you know yourself that it's not that easy. I agree with fortyplus, wrt to the weight issue, try to take one day at a time. Don't focus on huge weight loss just try to eat healthily and get as much exercise as possible wherever you can find it. If you're very hard on yourself it's much less likely to last. Also, regular exercise should help some bit with your mood. If you have a slip up and overeat try to put it behind you and not let it defeat you.

Depression is one horrid illness, I've been there myself. The fact that you want to sort things out is a very good sign though, it means you have the beginnings of that motivation and drive that depression robs from you. Try to build on it if you can, but be kind to yourself and remember that you're bound to have bad days.

Keep posting here if it helps.

It seems like you need something you can be in control of. Unfortunately weight loss is a long haul and it often feels like you are making no progress. As part of your drive to change, are there any quick fixes you can do? New hair cut (yes I know its a cliche! But it is for a reason), shoes, session with personal shopper? Once you feel a bit happier with your reflection it might give you confidence to keep on making changes.

In terms of your relationship, you say you tried relate. Did anything change because of that?Did you come to any agreements or sort anything? How old are your children? If they are grown up, you could see what they thing about the situation. Often adult children are very perceptive about what has been happening in the family home for years-more than you might think.