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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really quite sad and empty today

22 replies

MilitaryWag · 31/12/2011 09:13

Am taking the tree down tomorrow, my wonderful sisters return home today and am back to work on Tuesday. Such a build up to Xmas and now its all over. I dont really do anything on NYE so I guess this is it. As I have got older I have found Xmas harder and harder because of being so wrapped round memories of my childhood and my dad (who was killed in a road accident when I was 13) My husband is being lovely but cant really understand why I get so depressed at this time of year. Does anyone else feel this type of deep sadness? :(

OP posts:

D0G · 31/12/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StickAForkInMeImDone · 31/12/2011 09:24

Yes I do. I love Christmas but it always brings back memories of less happy times as a child. Mums anniversary of her death is in Feb so I always feel that once Christmas is out of the way I then have to run the gauntlet of anniversary, birthday and mothers day without catching a breath. My mum died when I was a teenager and it worries me that as more and more years pass I am remembering less and less and feel further away from her.
However, this year I have decided to try and change my mindset. Don't know if it will work or not. But next (next) year will be the 20th anniversary of mum and much as I love her and miss her I am tired of dreading a new year without her. So I am trying to think of things to do in the post christmas slump that she would have enjoyed and will help me create memories with the DC. Hope that makes sense.

weevilswobble · 31/12/2011 09:28

Stickafork, thats such great advice. Good on you for being so positive.

Proudnscary · 31/12/2011 09:57

Sorry you are feeling so sad. You are absolutely not alone - it's well documented that this is the hardest time of year for people struggling with bereavement/depression/marital probs etc etc.
I do not have any of these issues but I still find this Crimbo limbo bit depressing and am dreading first week of Jan as it's pretty bleak when all the decorations come down and it's all over for another year.
Anyway hope you are ok - be kind to yourself. Have a few lovely long baths, brisk walks, plenty of bubbly or G&T, talk to friends etc etc x

OTheHugeManatee · 31/12/2011 11:49

Sorry you're feeling so down. Can I have a mini-grumble too? I had a vile row with DP and will most likely now be twiddling my thumbs alone tonight instead of seeing in NYE with love and excitement. It's supposed to be the year we get married and I feel shit.

Hassled · 31/12/2011 11:56

So many people find NYE hard - it is all about expectations, and thwarted ambitions, and missing people. And January is a shit month. I'm sorry you're feeling low - but just keep those happy Christmas memories alive.

CailinDana · 31/12/2011 11:57

I think it's pretty common to feel a bit shit at this time of year, it's the comedown from Christmas and the prospect of a new year with all the implications of being better and more organised. It's ok to feel rubbish, you don't need to feel bad about it, let yourself feel sad. Be nice to yourself and hopefully with time the sadness will wear out a bit and you'll start to feel brighter again.

Avoiding feeling sad and trying to be merry for the sake of it takes a lot of energy and can actually make you feel worse.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 31/12/2011 12:05

It is really common, I think - not that that helps!! - but don't they say sth like the 3rd Monday in January is the most depressing of the year?

I didn't grow up in this country and find the short days very difficult - a totally different thing but it really gets to me.

I find trying to do positive and constructive things in January and make plans really helps, and makes this time pass away faster. So rather than just taking down the tree, why not have a bit of a clear-out and sort through some old clothes to give to charity?

If your sisters are leaving, make some plans to see them again in Feb and look forward to that.

DP and I are planning to do something romantic every Saturday in January, like a meal out + a film or a meal in + sex if we can't afford the former! :) Can you do something like that to give you something to look forward to?

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 31/12/2011 12:06

Also think exercise helps massively - endorphins and all that - join a gym whilst they have offers on and make yourself go 2-3 times a week in Jan? Just make a short term goal so it doesn't feel overwhelming but I bet it will make you feel better!

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 31/12/2011 12:07

YANBU at all - as others have said, it's normal for this time of year to produce more depressed feelings.

Taking all the decorations down, especially if you like them, can be a real downer as well, everything looks so bleak afterwards! I actually don't take them all down - I have two strings of lights that are permanently in place, one inside, one outside. That way I can put them on as non-Christmas lights if I'm feeling bleak.

Why do you think you are harking back more and more to your own childhood Christmases? ARe your DC reaching a similar age to you when your Dad died? Just a thought.

(Manny - (((hugs))) - it'll be ok, one way or another.)

ballroompink · 31/12/2011 12:14

You're not alone - I feel like this for the period in between Christmas and New Year. I think Christmas gets so hyped up that if it doesn't turn out as planned, or if there are painful memories related to the time of year, it's hard. I have been off work since the 23rd because my office shuts down over Christmas - yesterday I found myself wishing that I was back at work because I hate this limbo period of miserable weather, sitting around the house, feeling demotivated and pointless. I am dragging myself to the gym in a minute in the hope that the endorphins might perk me up a bit.

Original poster

MilitaryWag · 31/12/2011 12:31

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I guess I need to shake myself down and get a grip. Cant keep living in the past. Maybe I need to get some closure on the past. Live every day in terrible fear of losing one of my family and missing out on so many wonderful aspects of my life. Need to face this I guess. Happy New Year

OP posts:

stinkingbishop · 31/12/2011 12:36

Biggest BIGGEST hug. I think Xmas has become a bit like a sugar rush - and then we get the downer. When that's combined with a genuine reason to be uncheerful like yours, well.

I think there's some good advice though here. Could you do something that he would have liked doing? My DM always has a wee dram of the brand of whisky he liked at the stroke of midnight tonight for example.

On the work front - clutching at straws - at least it's a short week!

I've actually opened the dreaded inbox today so it's not too daunting on Tuesday!

CrabbyBigbottom · 31/12/2011 12:39

Am feeling exactly like this today, and feel guilty for feeling low as we have things really good compared to so many people. I knew I shouldn't have clicked on the 'why won't my bf marry me?' thread either - I knew all the 'if he really loved you, he'd want to marry you' replies would make me feel a bit despondent. Silly bugger.

I never enjoy NYE, tbh. Maybe I should just review past depressing NYEs and count my blessings that this won't be as bad as that.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 31/12/2011 12:55

It's the worst time of year. I almost always end up spending it alone and it just seems like a horrible omen of the year to come. I try to pretend it's just another night but the fireworks always wake me.
Occasionally I get a last-minute invitation to do something and that's almost worse, because everyone else is coupled-up and I feel like a third wheel.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/12/2011 13:36

It's a sad time, I think. Inevitably you remember loved ones who're gone.
I'm so sorry you're feeling it this year. Do you light candles for them (doesn't have to be religious IMO), or do anything to remember? I think sometimes it is easier to acknowledge the sadness and go with it, than to pretend everything is fine. It's good I think to have some accepted times to grieve.

That said, I do hope you feel better soon.

yellowraincoat · 31/12/2011 13:46

I feel sad because I don't really get on with my family and every year, part of me thinks that it will be better this time, that somehow my family will magically change and we will be normal. This year I spent Christmas alone, so feel extra sad about that.

I have spent many new years alone too, and although this year I'm going out with my partner, I still feel sad about all those lonely years I've had. Also, he is not in a good mood and I don't even feel like going out that much.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 31/12/2011 13:56

I went from loving it to hating it five years ago, although my reasons for this are personal, i know alot of other people do too, its a sad time for me as my mother passed away at 11.30pm on NYE in intensive care, with all her family round her, walking out of the hospital after midnight to fireworks and drunks simply felt bizarre... nor least as my brother had his 21st birthday the following day.

So what had always been a time for celebration in my family, wishing my brother happy birthday at the stroke of midnight, changed forever... its an odd time of year, coming after all the excess of christmas, i suppose everything will feel plain, tired, dull

roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts · 31/12/2011 14:02

YANBU I find this time of year very difficult too.

Things we have done which help are to have planned our panto trip for a few days into the new year so there is still something to look forward to in January.

In future I also hope to exchange Tesco vouchers for meal out vouchers in January or February so we have that to look forward to as well.

I don't think it would matter what it is but planning events to anticipate and look forward to is the key - a special meal with family at home, a trip somewhere, whatever you can afford to ease you through the season rather than it coming to a very sudden halt.

I have also not "played" with one of my Christmas gifts so I can enjoy exploring it when all the fuss has died down.

I know it is just little things but it helps me gently extend the fun so I don't dread the empty space.

Good luck, hugs and Happy New Year.

KateF · 31/12/2011 14:15

I'm struggling too Lost my mum on Dec18th two years ago and marriage broke up earlier this year. My younger dds are away with their father visiting their grandparents so I'm at home with dd1 who is only interested in facebook . Have managed to be fairly positive up til now, telling myself I've done well to find part-time work I enjoy after exh stopped me working for so long, am hoping to start Masters studies this year, children are mostly happier than when exh lived here etc but today I feel like I've run into a brick wall.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 31/12/2011 14:20

or and (((hugs))) all round.

So sorry for people who have lost parents/ loved ones at this time of year - it's never easy, there's never a good time, but it seems so much harder just around Christmas/NY. My mum died 17 days before my 40th birthday and that was shit enough - can't imagine how awful it would have been just before Christmas.

dottygirl1 · 31/12/2011 14:26

You are not alone. It is a very hard time of the year for many.
My dad died in September and my mam passed away on the 15th of this month. I am forgetting it is new years eve. Having a pj day with my DH and 2 Dc. Will worry about or embrace 2012 in a couple of days!!!!
Take care and take life one day at a time!!

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