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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

think these people should not seek me out to tell me these awful things

29 replies

Belini · 30/12/2011 13:47

I have been bombarded today with phonecalls from my mum, two sisters and two friends. When I say bombarded I mean at least 4 calls each and a few txts. To tell me that someone we know of (not friendly with) has lost her baby at 38 weeks pregnant Sad.
Now before I get flamed I feel absolutely gutted for this woman. I can't possibly begin to imagine what she must be going through, but I am 36 weeks pregnant with twins and find it very insensitive that they are all so desperate to tell me this awful news.
This comes only a week after one of mums friends daughter buried her little boy at 13 weeks ad Mum called me to tell me how traumatc the funeral was and give me a run down of everything that was said and done.
AIBU or overly sensitive?

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 30/12/2011 13:50

Grief Vampires is what I call these people. I can't stand watching others regale the stories of other peoples misery, it's a horrible trait.

YANBU

PregolaLolaOnAlittleDonkey · 30/12/2011 13:55

no i think your being perfectly reasonable, you would have heard anyway i'm sure and it could have been less gossipy
try not to think of it too much (obviously give your condolences if you feel its right) but dont over think it as you might get yourself in a state

SuePurblybilt · 30/12/2011 14:05

I hate those people. They also seem to like re-hashing news tragedies and misery-porn books.
There's something wrong with them, not you.

OnemorningXmasCockMonkey · 30/12/2011 14:10

YANBU and not over sensitive at all.

Panda1234 · 30/12/2011 14:10

I'd send the bereaved a card if you know them. If you get any more phone calls/texts from third parties, just say that you've been in touch with them and change the subject, or ignore if its a text.

They do sound OTT but some people, on the other hand, some people deal with stuff by talking about it, and you need to be able to politely draw up some barriers so you're not getting the brunt of their coping method.

springboksaplenty · 30/12/2011 14:17

Jeez. Why on earth would anyone mention it?! If it was me I'd be doing my best so that you didn't find out. How horrible. Tell them where to go jump.

nix12 · 30/12/2011 14:17

YANBU and apart from the grief-vampire aspect you really don't need to hear stuff like this at 36 weeks pregnant, it's only going to make you worry (you shouldn't worry though)

scuzy · 30/12/2011 14:18

yanbu. this poor woman!

wishing you well on rest of your pregnancy

HardCheese · 30/12/2011 14:30

My mother specialises in this kind of grief vampirism - she is completely well-intentioned nd concerned for the victims in her conscious mind, but doesn't appear to realise at all that she seems to need, at some deep level, stories of other people's misfortunes because of something missing in her own life. We live in different countries, but it does make the average phone call with her pretty grim, as her part of the conversation consists 90% of stories of misfortune - accidents, deaths, miscarriages etc - usually involving people I don't know, or even just news stories, so people she doesn't know personally.

Yet this is the same woman who, if I say something like 'I've just made my will' (I'm an older first-time pregnant woman), will wince and say 'Oh, you mustn't say things like that!'

Which is a long way round of saying I don't think YABU.

WheresMeJumper · 30/12/2011 14:31

YANBU

This happened to me when I was 6 months pregnant, there was a girl who worked for the same company, on a different floor who was 6 months pregnant too. We knew each other to see IYKWIM.

She lost her baby, I was unaware of it until a colleague caming running up, hysterical, hugging me, telling me blow by blow how she lost the baby, saying it could happen at anytime. I was horrified. I couldnt relax for the rest of the pregnancy. My grief for the poor girl was increased by the idea that this could happen to me too.

WelshMoth · 30/12/2011 14:33

HardCheese, are you my sister? Blimey, our DM's are scarily alike.

OP, YANBU. You're particularly vulnerable at the moment and need shielding from this kind of info.

whackamole · 30/12/2011 14:36

I had a similar situation when I was pregnant with my twins as well. I then felt guilty for feeling scared that it might happen to me, rather than focusing all my energy on feeling bad for the bereaved parents Sad

YANBU.

mrsjay · 30/12/2011 14:38

WHy would they frighten you like that It is devastated for the parents of course it is , but i dont understand why they have to pass on such horrible news to a pregnant women ,

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 14:38

YANBU.

If it had to be mentioned at all to you, one would assume they'd be taking the route of "You'll probably hear this so we wanted to tell you sensitively... Don't worry yourself..." etc. and that's only if you'd likely find out anyway. But phone calls, texts etc sounds like they are reveling in the drama which is tasteless and to you completely insensitive and even cruel.

ithaka · 30/12/2011 14:42

Some people enjoy taking a cheap holiday in other people's misery - grief tourism. As someone who has lost a child in tragic circumstances, I suspect those most keen to phone and regale others with the story are the least likely to actually make direct contact with the bereaved party.

My MIL is like this - it is not a pleasant character trait.

twoistwicesfestive · 30/12/2011 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherBloominChristmastance · 30/12/2011 14:55

YANBU, I have had the grief vampires in the last week as well, A woman i don't even know (but know of IYSWIM) lost her baby to cot death recently, i can't imagine how awful that must be it's heartbreaking but in the last week neighbours, people at work and friends seem to have activly sort me out to tell me.

I have lost count of the amount of conversations that have started with, "how the pregnancy going?, speaking of which did you here about so and so"

I'm more disturbed by the fact that this poor Woman's grief is the latest gossip, as Learner says people love to revel in other peoples suffering

mrsjay · 30/12/2011 15:00

My Mil loved a good revel in grief she was shocking SO n SO died last week and then go into the gore of what happened , she would never to to the persons familiy and offer condolences though to busy passing on the news i expect ,

slowburner · 30/12/2011 15:06

YANBU.

I have been left utterly distraught at other peoples birth stories which sound horrific but guess what they were all ok in the end. I have had my sister fgs relate these stories knowing we nearly didn't get our baby home due to a bih accident. Bitch.

Anyway, some people revel in this shitty type of gossip, mu DHs family came (uninvited) to the hospital where I was less than a day after giving birth just to sit and chat. I was incensed knowing that each and everyone of them would be out scattering the gossip by that evening. It seems a way to make themselves important. Fuckwits.

Can I suggest next time you hang up, or simply state you do not want to hear it, walk away etc.

Oh, and hope all goes well, relax, and trust your instincts.

Icelollycraving · 30/12/2011 15:16

Well,it is like competitive grief IMO. I wonder what they would say if you asked how you are supposed to feel hearing that type of news. Thoughtless,insensitive & dramatic.
Please try not to worry,good luck with your baby twins,how lovely!

Original poster
Belini · 30/12/2011 17:30

Thank you for all the comments I asked if it was unreasonable because when I said to mum that I had already heard and didn't really want to talk about it she told ME I was being insensitive andI should be aware that these things can happen so I should be preparing for it incase the worst happens to me. Sad

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 30/12/2011 18:03

Omg! Tell your mum & any others to go & boil their head.

lazarusinNazareth · 30/12/2011 18:17

Really?! What a terrible thing for her to say to you! Maybe you should tell your Mum to keep her mouth shut for the next few weeks so you can relax and look forward to your beautiful babies arriving.

lottiegb · 30/12/2011 18:18

If your Mother thinks you are incapable of awareness and preparation for all possibilities without her intervention, shouldn't she have briefed you on them when TTC or when she first knew you were pregnant? Random information based on others' misfortunes is hardly a complete or efficient means of transmitting information. Perhaps you could ask her for a note summarising all the bad things that could possibly happen. Then you could do one for her.

Ask your mother who you are being insensitive towards. Her and her need for attention presumably.

elliejjtiny · 30/12/2011 18:27

That's awful. It's like when you go to hospital for some minor thing and people say that they know someone who died having that done.