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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

upset with dd new bf

28 replies

toody · 29/12/2011 23:01

Brief background dd has been ill for a few weeks with painful ribs seen dr several times given different painkillers none worked today she phoned dr as was worse and told him she thought about going to a & e which he said she could or go see him again. Dd decided to go to a & e, when she rang she was at new bf (been seeing him a couple of months) house so he was going with her but she wanted me to go as well. They came home and dh agreed to drive us and then pick us up, expected it to be busy and dh was to look after dgs. So far no problem, when we got to a& e wouldn't allow anyone in cubicle with dd so saw dr on her own, I sat in waiting area with her bf I was extremely worried and didn't feel like making small talk just sat watching cubicle, I know this may have been rude but I was really worried her breathing was now affected. Cutting story short dd was given medication and allowed home. Bf told her that when they came to pick me up prior to hospital I didn't say hello I know I did but I was also rushing around collecting all her medication so not in chatty mood, he also complained I turned my back on him in waiting room and was just sitting shaking instead of talking to him. Yes I did have my back to him I was watching for my dd yes I was shaking I was worried, aibu to expect him to be more understanding about how I was feeling instead of criticising me to dd. He is not a young teenager but a 38 yr old man so surely he should be more understanding. As soon as dd was told she could go home I was OK and chatting and was my normal self,but he still complained to her. Sorry long winded.

OP posts:

SiamoNellaMerda · 29/12/2011 23:02

Sorry - can't read that lot. Paragraphs might help!

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2011 23:04

He's a prick.

YANBU to think that about him, but you have to leave your DD to find out for herself (not that you've said otherwise).

Hope she's going to be OK.

ILoveSanta · 29/12/2011 23:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I think you should speak to your dd about your side of things..... Seems like he is a bit strange if he can't understand you being worried about your daughter, and I would worry what would happen between you and your daughter in the future if that is what he is like.

Hope she is okay and you are too.

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2011 23:05

But you felt you had to tell the OP Siamo.

Not a lot of help.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2011 23:07

So the eejit thought your DD's trip to A&E with a worrying chronic condition should have been all about him, some sort of nice afternoon out for him where you entertained him in the waiting room?

And then he thought your DD should have nothing more on her mind than poor hurt feelings of diddums?

Incredibly immature behaviour, no self awareness or consciousness that he was not the centre of your or your DD's universe -- not a good sign in a 10 year old and certainly a red flag for a 38 year old.

How does he treat your DD otherwise?

Why is he 38 and not attached?

slavetofilofax · 29/12/2011 23:07

It's hard to understand without punctuation, sorry.

But if you were rude then you were rude, maybe you could apologise and explain why you felt the way you did. If he cares about your dd he was probably worried too and it's natural that he would say something to her if he thought her mum didn't like him.

OneLieIn · 29/12/2011 23:08

Dd has a 38 year old bf?

PippiLongBottom · 29/12/2011 23:10

We need to know the age of your dd.

Original poster

toody · 29/12/2011 23:12

Thanks she is going to be fine allthough will be a few weeks before well again has nerve damage around her ribs. I have spoken to her now and assured her that I did say hello and explained how worried I was at the hospital. She said she had already explained to bf that it was because I was worried that I wouldn't want to speak, bless her.

OP posts:

dmo · 29/12/2011 23:12

How old is your dd?

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 23:12

I would say calm down, and speak to your daughter again.

The conversation may have gone like "so, what did my mum say to you while we were waiting"

him "nothing"

her "well, she must have said something"

him "no, she didnt"

her "what, nothing at all?"

so what I am saying is, rather than complain, he may have just simply been telling it exactly as it was..

he may have been worried too, and if you turned your back on him, be probably did feel as though you were purposely not speaking to him...

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 23:15

those who are being nosy and asking the age of the daughter, OP does mention a grandchild, so I would suspect the daughter is old enough to have a 38yo bf.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 23:16

mathanxiety - Why is he 38 and not attached? What a rude and offensive question!

Toody - it's a bit ridiculous of him to have been so petty when you were clearly worried about DD, but maybe he was genuinely worried that her Mum didn't like him and that it would affect their relationship?!

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 23:17

Quite a bit of man-hating projection there Math

dontletthebellsend · 29/12/2011 23:18

" Why is he 38 and not attached?"

He is attached, surely.

He sounds like he is one of those people who make everything about them, plus he thinks you don't like him.

olgaga · 29/12/2011 23:20

He sounds like a self-regarding jerk. I don't understand why he would be focussing on your reaction, imagining it's all about him, when your daughter his girlfriend is being treated in a&e.

Why would he burden your ill daughter with his moaning?

Selfish, immature and mean.

pictish · 29/12/2011 23:22

Tbh, I think you were rather rude to turn your back on him and not speak.
If someone did that to me under the same circumstances I would think them a little off myself. Not very friendly is it?

Original poster

toody · 29/12/2011 23:23

My dd is 25, she and her ds house share with myself and her dad. We bought house together with her xp a few years ago, the house is large enough for her to have her own lounge, bedrooms are completely sepperate own bathroom etc.

Yes I know she is old enoughh to go to hospital on her own but she is like me and likes to have someone to "hold her hand" and because this is a new relationship wanted me there as well.
Yes I agree squeakytoy but I don't think he needed to say anything, he should have been a bit more understanding.

OP posts:

Awayinamangercooper · 29/12/2011 23:23

Bloody hell plenty of lovely people are 38 and not attached for all sorts of perfectly good reasons!

RubyrooUK · 29/12/2011 23:26

Perhaps OP it was just a tricky situation for everyone. I know that when my new boyfriend (now DH) was rushed to hospital and I sat with his mum there, I'd have been a bit sad and confused if she didn't talk to me at all. I was panicking inside too.

I'd completely understand in this situation that my bf's mum was worried but I would also be worried myself and hope we could comfort each other. Or I would hope she would at least say: "Sorry, I'm just going to be quiet for a while as I'm really worried."

Maybe just chalk the whole thing down to a bad experience and start over together next time you see him under better circumstances?

Hope your daughter is fully recovered.

OneLieIn · 29/12/2011 23:28

Sounds like you two got off to a bad start. You can either ...

let this go on and on and fester til you all fall out

eat some humble pie, say sorry if we got off to a bad start, I was worried about dd. really glad you were there for her, would you like a cuppa?

tigerlillyd02 · 29/12/2011 23:29

I sort of see his side. Even under the circumstances it wouldn't have hurt to make some sort of small talk. I'm sure I'd have felt a bit uneasy if you'd have turned your back on me. Relatives do talk in hospital waiting rooms, even under more serious conditions than this. Even talk about your DD and her illness would have meant you weren't totally ignoring him.

I also understand you were worried and he should take that into account before deciding for certain you just simply don't like him, which is probably what he is thinking. Are you sure he was actually criticising you or was he simply telling your DD what happened?

MrsBonkers · 29/12/2011 23:30

Doesn't sound like an accident or emergency so why go to A&E? They're pretty busy this time of year.

Don't think it would have hurt you to say 'Sorry I'm not being chatty. I'm really worried about DD.' Sure he would have understood, but not saying anything is a bit thoughtless.

Original poster

toody · 29/12/2011 23:31

As he had mentioned he could see me shaking I assumed he realised how worried I was. As soon as we knew dd was ok I "became normal" chatting away even bought him a Macdonald on way home as none of us had eaten.

He was unattached as previous long term relationship ended some months ago. I had thought he seemed ok until tonight, my only criticism would be that he tries too hard to make a good impression but that is improving as he gets to know us and he is relaxing more. We have always made him welcome and treated him like one of the family.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 23:33

Doesn't sound like an accident or emergency so why go to A&E?

When a condition worsens to the point you cant breathe properly, I would have thought that IS an emergency..

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