Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to think that this is a weird thing for my mum to say?

24 replies

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 20:22

I do not have the easiest relationship with my mother. She has just got off the phone to me, and she was being a bit grumpy. I asked her if she was ok and she said she was fine. She said "I absolutely dread calling you in case it goes through to your voicemail and hear your horrible, grumpy message".

Honestly, I was a bit taken aback. My message is just a simple "hi this is yellowraincoat, leave a message and I'll call you back". Granted, I'm from the north of Scotland so I'm not the most chipper sounding of people, but then, so is she!

I know in and of itself, this is nothing. Just the latest in a long line of criticisms that I'm getting a bit sick of.

AIBU to feel a bit gutted that I can do no right in her eyes, not even make a voicemail message.

OP posts:

KittyFane · 29/12/2011 20:27

She's picking at you. Ignore her. People do this when they are feeling miserable themselves. And it's not fair or right.

blueballoon79 · 29/12/2011 20:35

I understand how you're feeling. My mother is exactly the same. All she seems to do is criticise some aspect of my life whenever I'm around her. It gets to the point where I can feel really hurt by it all.

Just this Christmas, our entire family were sitting around the table eating Christmas dinner. We were talking about when we were younger my mother always blamed the eldest (me) for everything as "if you're older you should know better", suddenly my mother pipes up "well it doesn't explain how blueballoons turned out, she's messed up her life totally".

I was really embarrassed and upset! This was said in front of the entire family including SIL and BIL!

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions as to what you can do about it, I tried to joke it away by saying "Yeah I turned out better than any of you lot", but it doesn't take away the hurt.

She does this all the time and I really get sick of it. At one point I didn;t speak to her for about 4 months as she went really OTT with hurtful and snide comments, but she's my Mum and I love her and want her in my life, just without the bitchy comments!

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 20:39

Maybe your Scottish accent is now tinged with a bit of cockney!

Original poster

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 20:41

Oh God, blueballoon, that's horrible. It's easy, isn't it, to just say "oh don't take it to heart" or "ignore her" but she's my mum and I want her to be behind me 100%. She's the same with my brother, so it's not just me she picks at, but I really wish she'd just love us.

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 29/12/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myhandslooksoold · 29/12/2011 20:47

Yes it is a mean and picky thing to say. Kitty is really spot on when she says its because she is miserable in herself.
I have the same problems with my mum and I could write a book on all the mean things she says, including telling me I must be a decent mother because my DC's are so lovely then literally in the next breath say well it goes to show its nature not nurture because there's no way I could have brought them up so well to be so lovely. It really really hurt.
My mum managed to make me cry after a 5 minute telephone conversation on boxing day and I was upset for ages after we spoke, which nearly spoilt an otherwise perfect day. After that I realised that it was my reaction to her hurtful comments that I needed to change.
I resolved that 2012 would be the year that I would shift the balance of power and I would learn to let her comments bounce off me. I'm not sure how to do that yet and have spent hours reading all the various threads on here which are full of posters full of heartache because of their relationship with their own parents.
Anyone fancy a support thread for those who don't want to be wounded by their parents tongues anymore?

blueballoon79 · 29/12/2011 20:49

yellowraincoat, my mum is like it with me and my sister, but me to a greater extent, yet she worships the ground my brother walks on.
My sister and I joke about it and call him the golden child, but deep down it upsets us both.
I understand totally how you feel about wanting her behind you 100%, I feel the same way.
I'd never dream of treating my 2 children the way she's treated me and my sister throughout our lives.

FionaBruise · 29/12/2011 20:50

It could be that you mum is feeling a bit low at moment and feels rejected when she hears the answerphone --but if this is the case she doesn't need to take it out on you by being rude/critical. YANBU.

Not sure how old your mum is but my old parents have a habit of coming over all grumpy/defensive/put out when they get an answerphone whatever the message says on it--its almost like a personal affront when the phone is not answered to them. weird.

mrsmaltesers · 29/12/2011 20:51

I,ve nit spoken to my mother for nine years because of her vile comments, although i realise that is probably more extreme an idea than you were hoping for.

Hw about telling her when she is not in the middle of a criticise of you, that you dont like her snidey comments. Hopefully her answer won't be a defensive one.

blueballoon79 · 29/12/2011 20:51

myhandlooksoold I think a support thread would be a great idea! I want to do something about the way my mother treats me but am flummoxed as to what to do.

Original poster

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 20:51

A support thread would definitely be a good thing! I really want to not let her hurt me any more, but I still want a relationship with her.

OP posts:

BandOMothers · 29/12/2011 20:58

Could it be that she clumsily told you how she feels dissapointed when you don't pick up? The dread is possibly one of sadness at not speaking to you?

myhandslooksoold · 29/12/2011 21:00

Have an important date with Great Expectations in a few minutes (how's that story for a twisted mother daughter relationship) but will be back after to start new thread.

thepeoplesprincess · 29/12/2011 21:01

Bitter Middle-aged Woman Syndrome. They all do it. It must be hard to be pleasant when your vag feels like it's made of asbestos.

Original poster

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 21:07

My mum doesn't have that excuse, peoplesprincess, she's been like this my whole life.

OP posts:

PealThemWithTheirMetalKnives · 29/12/2011 21:21

Bitter Middle-aged Woman Syndrome. They all do it. It must be hard to be pleasant when your vag feels like it's made of asbestos.

Ahem, I am middle-aged and I am lovely . Non-asbestos vag as well.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 29/12/2011 21:39

Bitter Middle-aged Woman Syndrome. They all do it.

Well, you're not my peoples princess!

lookbutdonttouch · 29/12/2011 22:05

Ooh may I join the support thread please ?

My mother is another that came out with a very hurtful, and hurtful, remark on Christmas day. Waited until OH was out of the room and really upset me.

I wish I could work out how to not let her hurt me. I do accept that she is unhappy in her own life and I do all I can but god its upsetting when its thrown back at you in a bitchy comment.

myhandslooksoold · 29/12/2011 22:30

hi the thread is here for those who want to sign in.

Feel quite optimistic now I'm on the way to taking some action to change the status quo. Thanks for your op yellowraincoat you've struck a chord with me and started me into action.

Heleninahandcart · 30/12/2011 01:54

thepeoplesprincess Bitter Middle-aged Woman Syndrome. They all do it. It must be hard to be pleasant when your vag feels like it's made of asbestos.

Really? Luckily and as is perfectly normal for a woman in middle age, no asbestos here but perhaps you'd like to think for a minute what your words would mean to someone who, post menopause was having a few problems?

Ironic when this is a thread is about one woman making hurtful comments to another.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/01/2012 11:09

i phoned my auntie yesterday and as soon as she heard it was me she didnt say "hello" but said "Right" with a sigh as in "what nonsense are you going to say now"..wish I had seen this thread earlier! Sympathies OP

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/01/2012 11:09

(was close to her as she brought me up, along with my single mum)

Original poster

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 14:36

Hey Fanjo, come n join us on the support thread. Linked up there ^^

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/01/2012 16:02

Will do :)

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread