To expect dh to be a bit more supportive?...

[MazzR]

My sis died on the sunday before christmas so christmas week was spent with funeral,driving up and down to where she was from (3hrs away). Ob,we're all devastated but dh's reaction is devastating me too...we have 3los. So the 1st and 2nd days i had to go up I had to spend half the time ringing him to see if he remembered to collect them from school,had he organised anyone to mind them for funeral etc etc,,he wouldn't think of any of this himself. Then, on the day we got bk from funeral,he wanted to go to his xmas party (2 hrs away so an overnighter) and i didnt want to be on my own so we ended up in a massive argument where he called me a fool,started bringing up random things from our wedding 3 yrs ago like,why didn't I lose weight and make an effort for it. I mean wtf?!! He went anyway,was ok for a couple days then went out stephens night,stayed in bed nxt day till 12.30,again in bed today till now. I jst feel up to my eyes in stress from everything,sis dying,trying to keep it normal for kids over kids etc,not sleeping so am exhausted and feel like i'm getting no help/support from him. I need his help more,feel like i'm not as able as usual for the simple day to day things...

MazzR, I am so sorry for your loss; how dreadfully sad.

As for your dh, words fail me. I would be absolutely fuming at his lack of support.

I am so sorry. Take care. x

Omg you poor thing. He sounds awful. Have you tried saying any.of this to him?

YANBU, and sorry for your loss too.

He on the other hand is behaving like a selfish tosser.

Are you local to other family, your MIL or other in-laws who could help out to give you a bit of a break?

I'm so so sorry to hear about your sister, sending you lots of hugs.

Like Sexonlegs has said, words absolutely fail me too about your "D"H. He sounds absolutely awful, what an unkind man

So sorry for you loss MazzR you must be utterly devastated.

You're not getting what you need right now, which is simply someone to take the reins for a few days whilst you grieve.

I am tempted to call your DH an utter cock, he is being completely unreasonable and selfish.

Right, so he's not going to give you what you need right now, so what YOU need to do right now, is to blank him from your mind and do your best to find help for the things you need help with from elsewhere. Trying to get your DH to help you will only add to your stress.

Write a quick list of everything you have to do today, do only the essentials. Curl up when you can, and hang in there. Really feel for you, your DH is out of order.

YANBU

Bloody hell you poor thing - I'm so sorry about your sister, how terribly sad for you.

We - strangers on the net - can understand that.

So the fact your husband can't is quite revealing about what sort of a man he is.

To be honest the bringing up your weight at your wedding triggers HUGE alarm bells to me - it's so unkind and surely meant to hurt you when you at your most vulnerable.

What's he usually like?

Thanks,tbh his family are useless for any kind of help so i'm on my own in that sense...my own parents are very good but not asking them at this time obviously

Sorry for your loss and for the lack of support, not to mention sensitivity, of your dh.
He sounds rather selfish and a little immature. You sound like you ordinarily organise the family and I am guessing that this is beyond him. Some men seem to lack the ability to support and this can be really hurtful.
I would would explain your feelings to him and tell him what you need from him. He is not helping you and, if anything, he is making you feel worse. If he still finds it impossible to support you, call in extended family and friends.
Take care of yourself xxx

Yanbu, has he always been like this?

It's really difficult when you are on your own with no support. Can understand you not asking your parents right now as they have their own grief.
However, you must have close friends who are there for you in times of need.
You need time on your own when grieving. I lost my mother 2 years ago and I used to just go for walks alone to think about her. You need time and space to work through your grief.
Schedule to for you and tell dh when you are not available. If he won't volunteer then just book him in to babysit. Don't waste time stressing about him, just be as matter of fact with him as he has been to you.
Big hugs xx

I suffered from depression after I had my 2nd dc and kind of lost it for a while. Now,if everything goes bk to this, "oh you never want me going anywhere whether your sis died or not" hes also v controlling with money,admittedly,i'm crap with money,got us into a few pickles a few yrs ago but not for a couple of yrs but because of this,he has all the control with money (I'm a sahm). It reslly gets me dwn,the name calling wouldn't be a new thing either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether and afraid that things will go downhill, mentally,for me again. Dunno what to do...I have spoken to him but he jst doesn't listen...agrees with me and then does it all over again

You poor thing, you sound totally stressed out. Is there any friend you can call on to take the kids for a couple of hours while you have a rest?

FWIW your husband sounds like a vile waste of space. In the long run it might be time to think about calling it a day, but for the time being you need to look after yourself as best you can. I would absolutely hate to think any of my friends was struggling the way you are, I would be desperate to help.

Am very sorry to read about your sister.

Agree with everyone else ... your so-called "D" H is being completely selfish. I get the impression that he - poor diddums - feels "put out" because, (quite understandably in the circumstances), he's now expected to put a bit of extra effort into helping you with children and home. Of course, because he's (so it seems) lazy and selfish, he doesn't like this, so is counter-attacking you in ridiculous, irrelevant and spiteful ways ... almost as if, by "proving" you don't "deserve" help in some way, it gets him off the hook and justifies his completely heartless and nasty lack of support.

Do call up friends ..... I know you shouldn't have to, and I know a lot of people might worry about asking for help at this time of year, but most people would in fact be very pleased to help you out for as long as you need them. Yes - it might also highlight what a twat H is but so what ... I think your need trumps any possible embarrassment you might feel and in the long run it might not be a bad thing if your close friends realise what he's like. Indeed, it might just shame him into taking a long hard look at himself.

I just can't believe the sheer brass neck of him sodding off to parties when you need him most. It's disgusting ... there's always going to be more Xmas parties. How often are you going to need him, in this way FFS ??

Oh sweetheart, this sounds awful - generally. But obviously, your sister's death has highlighted his appalling attitude even more. In your shoes, I wouldn't blame you at all, if you'd hoped that maybe something as devastating and significant as this might dredge up some consideration and feeling in him from somewhere - which'd be perfectly natural - but the fact it hasn't really has shown you what a nasty piece of work he is. In effect, you are not only having to deal with your grief, but also with the realisation that even in the most extreme circumstances you can't depend on the one "man" you should be able to. I am so very sorry.

Again ... please ask for help wherever you can find it. I'd also see my GP if you feel at risk of descending into depression again. Far better to try and nip it in the bud if you can before it gets too bad ... apart from anything it sounds as if he'd use it as a stick to beat you with.

Saying you'd object to him going out whether your sister had died or not is just completely disgusting. Shows he doesn't give a stuff sad to say. Please please try not to dwell on him, hard and heartbreaking as that must be, but concentrate on doing what you need to do to get through this day by day for yours and the children's sakes. I don't want to sound patronising or offend you but I think it's vital you try to conserve all your emotional and physical strength with a view to separating at some point. I just don't see how you could ever forgive his utter callousness, never mind all the other stuff you mentioned.