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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I asking too much?

19 replies

happygonicky · 28/12/2011 15:32

DP works long hours and now has a longer commute than I do (was previously same length). I often work long hours, but am able to do about a third at home. Since our relationship began, I've always done all the housework, washing and ironing (DP does general DIY) and I'm happy to do so - mainly because he leaves the houser earlier than I do and comes back later. He also brings in more money than I do and I feel it's my way of contributing my fair share. Because he has an early start and finishes late, I've also said it's fine for him to leave towels, socks on floor etc. in the week (I'll pick them up), but at the weekend I don't want to do this - he's there and can do it.

As far as I'm concerned, this is working absolutely fine, apart from him leaving stuff everywhere - piles of paperwork, bits and bobs, everything. We've got a new, lovely, but not-especially-big flat and I want it to look nice - and I also find clutter stresses me out. But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life putting his things away. The crunch point is that I made sure the flat was clean and tidy before we went away for Xmas and within 24 hours there's clutter everywhere. Am I being unreasonable? I know we've got to find an accepatable compromise here, but I seem to have lost my sense of perspective. Please help.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 15:36

You let him leave socks and towels on the floor for you to pick up as he earns more than you?

LingDiLong · 28/12/2011 15:37

My DH is a leaver of crap everywhere type of person. He does his fair share with the kids and housework but just leaves things on every available surface. Luckily I'm not much better myself so I ignore it. I think in your situation though I'd get a big plastic box and stick all his crap in that for him to sort through (or not) at his leisure. That way you are getting it out of the way without making any extra work for yourself by having to properly sort it and file it.

Salmotrutta · 28/12/2011 15:37

You tell him it's fine to leave socks etc. on the floor then wonder why he leaves paperwork etc. lying around?

Start chucking the clutter out - that'll bring him up sharpish. Tell him you assumed it was unimportant detritus since it was strewn about.

LingDiLong · 28/12/2011 15:38

Oh and I yes, what Hexagonal said. You have kind of created this situation you know...

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:38

You;ve said its find for him to leave his crap on the floor as you'll pick it up. Do you want to be a door mat?

Indith · 28/12/2011 15:39

We are terrible for clutter and it really gets to me even though I am one of the culprets! I find the best solution is to each have a cubby or basket or something so all post, bits and bobs etc can be shoved into it. Then you know where stuff is when you are looking for it. When mine is full I file it. When dh's is full I shove it in front of his nose/tip it onto his desk upstairs (he works from home a lot) and start again.

lemniscate · 28/12/2011 15:40

Stop picking his socks up. He should be doing that, regardless of how much he earns or how long he is out of the stop.

Give him a warning that you will start throwing clutter away if it is not tidied. And then do it. Every time he leaves it. He will get the message soon enough.

Rather like with three year olds (hello, darling DS :)), many adults only learn if they are given an action and a consequence and the consequence is then carried out when the action is ignored. Then they know not to mess with you again.

And I repeat, stop picking up his bloody socks!

Indith · 28/12/2011 15:41

But yeah, about the socks and stuff....I am a SAHM mum so I do most of the housework etc but I wouldn't stand for dh leaving his towel and dirty kegs on the floor. I do his laundry and so on but no matter what time you leave the house you can hang your towel back up on the hook and drop your dirty stuff into the laundry basket.

Original poster

happygonicky · 28/12/2011 15:41

Thanks for the replies. OK, big plastic box is a good idea. It just seemed fair at the time that if he was leaving at 6.30 in the morning and I didn't have to leave till 8.30, that I didn't mind doing what I could to help out in the morning... I also know that I have a lower dirt/grime tolerance levels.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 15:43

He is taking the piss and being disrespectful to you if he truly thinks it's ok to just dump socks and wet towels on the floor and expect you to pick them up after him. What about things like plates and cups? does he just leave them on the table after a meal and expect you to clear up after him like a waitress?

Original poster

happygonicky · 28/12/2011 15:43

I do not want to be a doormat. OK, no more picking up of towels and socks.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 15:46

Good, it takes no more time to just put them in the basket!

Original poster

happygonicky · 28/12/2011 15:48

Thanks for the help, everyone - had lost my way and thought I was expecting too much.

OP posts:

ThreeNine · 28/12/2011 15:49

Yanbu.

I agree with the others re picking up his socks though. Where is your laundry basket that it's going to take him more than a couple of seconds? Doesn't he take his socks off at night anyway? (fair enough if not!)

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 15:52

If DH does that, I put them on his pillow.

Doesnt happen a lot.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 15:56

Haha Rhondajean, I do the same to my DH! I also do it with the cardboard tube from the loo rolls if he forgets to change the loo roll, and with wet towels if he leaves them laying around!

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 16:00

Wet towels too! We have our own loos so that's not an issue. I assume if it's lying around , it's because he wants it later on

People do have different levels of Torrance for mess, it's finding middle ground, and also, no adult should be clearing up after another adult, IMO.

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 16:01

Tolerance. Not Torrance.

Annpan88 · 28/12/2011 16:07

When my DH does this I stick it anywhere and usually forget. When he asks where it is and no one knows I point out thhat if he had put it away he would know where it is. I'm not as nice as you about clothes. I either hang it up or put it in the wash basket. I don't check whether its clean or not so often he pulls a jumper out that has a stain or wants a top that's in the washing machine.

So basically, I will tidy up for my own sanity, but not necessarily in a way he likes.

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