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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not invite my mums DP to my wedding?

23 replies

BroomBuBuBum · 28/12/2011 15:09

I hate the man. He's an abusive arsehole who make my mum miserable.

Numbers for wedding are going to be tight. We're on a budget and for the venue I want we can only afford 50 guests.

I would much rather invite another of my friends than one of the very few people in the world I genuinely hate.

Is this really unreasonable? Is it going to cause more problems than its worth?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 28/12/2011 15:11

If it causes your mum problems with him then YABU

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 15:12

As much as yanbu un sentiment, I suspect it will cause trouble yes. Will he take it out on her? Would she come without him?

joanofarchitrave · 28/12/2011 15:14

I'm sorry, I don't think it's OK not to invite partners.

I would be more inclined to go for a cheaper wedding to which you can invite more people. It's bloody difficult though. Sorry.

slavetofilofax · 28/12/2011 15:18

I think it would be very rude not to invite him. I understand that you don't like him, but the fact that you have chosen a small venue doesn't really come in to it. You hire a venue big enough to. After for the partners of people you want to invite, it's that simple.

Family partners should always be invited to weddings, and unless this man has done something to directly harm you, then it would be unreasonable not to invite him. Your mum is a grown up who can make her own choices about who she spends her life with, and it would be hurtful and disrespectful to her if you didn't invite him.

thepeoplesprincess · 28/12/2011 15:18

YANBU to not want to, but you can't actually not do it without making an all-out declaration of war.

NotaDisneyMum · 28/12/2011 15:18

Regardless of what you think of him, he is your mums choice, and IMO, it would be incredibly disrespectful to her to exclude her partner from a day she will undoubtedly wish to share with him.

OTOH, its your wedding, and entirely up to you the sentiment you place behind your invites; if you are frustrated/angry/exasperated by your mums decision to spend her life with a man you dislike, and who you believe treats her badly, then it would be hypocritical to invite him, iyswim?

mumblechum1 · 28/12/2011 15:19

I'd invite him for your mum's sake.

TheScaryJessie · 28/12/2011 15:21

Well, do you want to make your mother have to choose between your wedding, or placating an abusive partner?

Original poster
BroomBuBuBum · 28/12/2011 15:28

I know Sad but he really is awful. Not only is he her partner he is also her boss. She runs a business he owns. She works 90 hours a week but he only pays her for 30. My little brother still lives at home and says he constantly shouts at her and puts her down. She can't leave the house without his permission. He's told her if she leaves him she won't have a job or a home so she's stuck.

I know I have to invite him really. Last time I tried sticking up for my mum he banned me from the house (he called the police when I turned up) and I didn't see her for over a year. At least if I'm civil I can see her regularly and make sure she's ok.

OP posts:
MrsMagnolia · 28/12/2011 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheScaryJessie · 28/12/2011 15:43

Thing is, isn't it characteristic of abusive partners to try and isolate their victims from family and friends? Isn't leaving him off the guest list going to be playing into his hands?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 15:48

I understand exactly where you're coming from, OP, but you CAN'T not invite him. In fact, if it were me, I'd make sure he had one of his 'outbursts' at the wedding so that not only your Mum sees what an arse he is but everybody else does too - perhaps they will add a cacophany of quiet voices to the 'leave him' vibes from you. It's a shame that your Mum is so cowed that she'll accept this but until she no longer will, you're stuck.

Be icily polite and no more - you don't have to fake 'liking' for him, your Mum can't ask that of you and nor should she. It should be loud and clear to him that he's there because there's no other polite way, nothing more.

joanofarchitrave · 28/12/2011 17:27

God what a horror Sad

Maybe you could say to your guests that the best wedding present they could give you is an open (to her, secret from him) offer of a new job to your Mum.

YouOldSlag · 28/12/2011 17:43

I totally sympathise OP. My stepfather is a toxic person through to his bones. None of us like him and he is thoroughly unpleasant and obnoxious. Whilst my Mum still visits us, he is not welcome. She knows this and we all live like this now as a fact of life.

However, I fear in your mother's case, she might be the one punished for your decision, and it is she who will made to suffer. Whilst my stepfather is an arsehole and a nasty piece of work, I don't think my Mum is being abused as your poor Mum so obviously is. I wish you all the best and I truly wish your mother can escape her horrible situation soon. She has a good family in you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 17:50

This thread, and another one earlier in the week, has made me wonder whether there are any 'cult breakers' out there? I remember seeing a truly terrifying film with Joan Van Ark in it, tied into a cult and unable to get out. This is very similar, I think. :(

BroomForMyChin · 28/12/2011 18:12

She really is trapped. It makes me so Sad and Angry. And I've no idea how to help. I keep telling her she could come and live with me but she's very much a 'I wouldn't want to be a bother' sort of person. I'm really worried about what she will do about finding a job if she did ever leave. She's worked for him for 5 years. And he's saying she won't get a reference from him. Her job before that he went off sick and then had to leave because of an ongoing mental health issue.

If I said I didn't want him in any of the official pictures do you think that could cause offence?

joanofarchitrave · 28/12/2011 18:18

Yes it would cause offence IMO. TBH I would try not to worry about him on the day - though you could ask the photographer to ensure that he's on the end of any line photos so that you can crop him off.

I think re another job, it would be a really good idea to start networking on her behalf about finding a job - this is where 'who you know' could really help her.

inkyfingers · 28/12/2011 18:21

You have to invite him. What kind of life/relationship will you have with him or with your mum afterwards? People don't forget. Hopefully your mum will get over him and be grateful to you, maybe, for your generosity to her and her choice of partner at the time.

geekette · 29/12/2011 20:21

I do not believe in having people you hate at your wedding.

If she really, really, really, really another million times cannot be there without him then you can always invite him but prepare for him. Provide a table for him where he can be alone (as punishement ha ha) away from you and your mom so that she can also enjoy herself.

It looks like your mom needs help. There are surely organisations which can help?

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 20:23

If he is an abusive arsehole, then it may be better to invite him rather than risk it causing your mum more problems.

BlissfulMistletoe · 29/12/2011 20:24

Of he is as bad as you sound, he may not allow her time off for the wedding if he doesn't get an invite

pranma · 29/12/2011 21:14

Ask your mum what she would like you to do-dont make things harder for her.

BroomForMyChin · 29/12/2011 22:01

That's a good point blissful. I hadn't even thought of that but that's 100% the sort of thing he'd do.

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