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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu is this too much responsibility?

24 replies

Iwantababynow · 28/12/2011 14:18

7 weeks ago my husband and I decided to take in a 15 year old boy. It was that or he would be sleeping on the streets.

the thing is Im 22 and my husband is 23, we have had mixed respones from our friends... most think we are being stupid, few think we are doing a very good thing.

my husband and i have been married 1.5 years.

My husband and I have worked the last 2 years as youth workers. so have some experience with teenagers.

The boy has a bad record, is in a bad school and lies to us a lot although we are trying to teach him to be honest... that is getting better.

he smokes, but is also trying to stop, so we can already see progress. :)

are we crazy to take him in? the social services have asked us to have him until at least august (then bording school)

I live in another country so the system in different to the uk, and so far we have only had 1 meeting with the social services, and until feb we will have no meetings or financial help.

so are we taking too much on? i hate the idea of him being left to fend for himself, many of his problems could have been avoided if his parents had helped him/loved him. Under all the problems/issues he has he is a wonderful person.

thanks for reading.

should we help him or not??? and why???

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2011 14:20

If you think you can cope I think yes.
you have experience in youth work, Social services are obv happy with it. Your age hads little to do with it.
Good for you!

eurochick · 28/12/2011 14:23

It sounds like you are doing a lovely thing. If you are happy to carry on, why not? I guess the key thing is to make sure he respects you, despite the small age gap. He needs to see you as "elders" rather than mates.

Sirzy · 28/12/2011 14:23

If you are both happy and feel able to cope then what you are doing is great, good luck!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/12/2011 14:24

I think you are doing a wonderful thing! The world needs more people like you and your DH! Your age is irrelevant - if you have the experience (and the strength) then keep going - it sounds like you are making steady progress anyway so just keep doing what you are doing and fingers crossed, you can make his future brighter.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 14:25

I think you should be asking people who know you and know how you and your DH cope with things.

lollygag · 28/12/2011 14:26

I wish there were more people like you in the world! Well done and good luck.

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 14:28

You are doing a great thing. You could make a real difference I this boys life and future.

Only you know if you and your DH can handle it. Dont let anyone tell you you are too young if you know you can.

myalias · 28/12/2011 14:28

I think you are doing a wonderful thing. Your youth work experience and age give you a great insight into teenage behaviour. I was put into a similar position with a 15 year old boy last year. I would have loved to have cared for him but he came from an abusive household and he is now living many miles away in foster care. It is such a difficult stage in their lives, hormones, schoolwork and relationships etc. Could you get him into another school until he starts boarding? I think you and your husband are incredibly supportive. Good luck.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:29

You are doing a really great thing for him. I hope he appreciates it.
That's really made me think oh how lovely.

hairytaleofnewyork · 28/12/2011 14:32

You are doing a wonderful, compassionate thing.

mrsjay · 28/12/2011 14:37

wow what a lovely person you are and if you have experience in youth work and think you can manage then keep at it , I would contact SS again its a long time till feb , but you are doing a good thing , ,

Rudolfsgottarednose · 28/12/2011 14:41

If you were in the Uk then i would say that unless you are committed to the boy then let SS make plans for him. Sometimes people take in under 16's find that they cannot cope and because the child has reached school leaving age, is left on their own with little support, where as they would have come under the Looked After System.

You need to be honest to him about your level of committment and help him to make long term plans based on what you are prepared to do and for how long.

Obviously you and your DH need to be in agreement.

Jus don't make allowances for his 'issues' unless he is doing all he can to address them. He needs to be helped to reach a fully functioning position in life.

shinyrobot · 28/12/2011 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 16:10

Well done you! However I should try and find as much support as possible, as soon as possible.

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2011 16:20

I knew someone who was adopted at 15 (with his younger siblings) by a couple in their 20's. You know yourself and what you can handle. :)

Sudaname · 28/12/2011 16:43

I took in one of my DSs mates - also aged 15 - many years ago. His mum had new partner who just wanted him out of the way basically and his mum was putting her latest squeeze first and was also being awful to him. He came to ours one night and just asked my DS if he could stay with us. l said he must ask his mum and if she was ok with it then fine. She was perfectly ok with it so he moved into our spare room. The next day l took him to buy a new coat - he didnt own one as he had outgrown his last one months before - and a new pair of trainers - his were hanging off his feet and flapping around they were so worn. She carried on claiming family allowance for him btw (nice) which l never bothered challenging .

He stayed with us for two years and he grew up to be a confident self- assured young man - from the self conscious apologetic boy he had been before. Just because l gave him a secure home and cared for him and about him. l saw him years later and he had a little family now and a good job and he looked so content. He gave me a big bear hug. Sometimes thats all it takes - someone to care about you to bring out the best - so yes you are doing a wonderful thing.

Crabapple99 · 28/12/2011 16:54

You are fantastic. Do your best, and don't beat yurself up if it doesn't work out. I agree with previous posters, talk to the lad, tell him you are unsure, but wantto give it a go, he needs to know where he stands. He has obviously had serious disruption in his life and may struggle to meet your expectations. Good luck to all of you.

troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 17:04

I frequently have sons mates who have been slung out living here. better that tahn sleeping rough. BUT I don't know I would be so accommodatingn with a "stranger" though.

Original poster

Iwantababynow · 28/12/2011 17:50

thank you everyone. you guys are so sweet.
myalias--- Unfortunatly I can not start him in a new school, as his old school has given him such a bad reference, so right now he is in a school for children with problems/behaviour issues.

I just want to give him the best... but its hard, all the big questions, drink? bed times? ect... but im sure we will find our way :)

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 28/12/2011 17:52

I think you are bloody amazing frankly. Only time will tell how you can handle this but no matter how it pans out you tried which is far more then many would do under the circumstances. Good luck to you!!

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2011 19:17

Ah, Sudaname, that's lovely.

I used to work with older teens who were being bounced around the system or stuck in crap homes and thinking "if someone would just give you a chance ..."

Bless you, OP.

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2011 19:19

Where are you, OP, if you don't mind my asking? Feel free not to answer!

snowmummy · 28/12/2011 19:43

I also think you are amazing for giving this a go. If you think you can do it, then you should try. Good on you. I hope you can make a difference. All the very best.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 28/12/2011 19:52

Very good of you but also very trusting ..... I hope he doesn't screw things up for you.....

In all honesty there is no way I would do it without knowing anything about him.

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