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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wibu to not visit my db and family again until their ds can behave

22 replies

filipolarbear · 28/12/2011 13:50

My DB and sil have a son who is three and always been err boisterous, and, jealous of other children. My ds is 11 months old and each time we visit or they visit us he is attacked (for want of a better word) by his cousin.
Examples are, smacking him in the head when his mum held my ds as a small baby, attempting to stamp on his feet because he couldnt walk...then this Christmas we went to visit them, his general behaviour was out of control but my ds was subjected to being throttled (I kid you not, his hands were round his neck and he was shaking him, my baby looked terrified), had his hair pulled and toys thrown at him. This was all in one night.
I love my DB and sil to bits and am very close to them but I can't shake the image of my terrified baby out of my head. What do I do? What should I do? Anything?

OP posts:

catpark · 28/12/2011 13:53

Sounds a bit like he's jealous of a your child being here. What do his parents do ? Do they disipline him or ignore him ?

Kayano · 28/12/2011 13:54

Did they try to tell him off and say no etc, or did they just let the child hit
Your child? He is 3 so I would say still go but stand up for your baby and tell the three year old that it is
Naughty behaviour.

Maybe tell your fb and SIL that you won't be putting up with hitting and bring anymore etc

Original poster

filipolarbear · 28/12/2011 13:58

They do nothing. Practically, they say "x that's naughty" then when he ignores them they just roll their eyes and say "oh what can you do, we can't control him"

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 14:01

Then personally I would go over to him, bend down to his level and tell him firmly and in no uncertain terms that he is hurting your baby and not to do it again.

Someone has to be firm with him and if his parents won't be, you should as the mother of the baby he's trying to hurt.

If your DB and SIL can't see why you have to do it, explain it's because they don't.

jellybeans · 28/12/2011 14:07

I have a very boistrous 3 year old DS (and 4 older DC) and would never let him smack/throttle anyone-I don't think he would either hopefully. If he did I would tell him off and ensure it stopped right away. He went through a phase of pushing at toddler group when about 2.5 and I always watched him and was straight over when he did it telling him off and appologising. Boistrousness-I am not sure that can be controlled but hitting etc should be tackled at that age.

oldmum42 · 28/12/2011 14:19

He's 3, and should know not to hurt other children, though at 3 you wouldn't expect perfect behaviour - the hands round the neck thing sounds like he has been watching the Simpsons or something, and is imitating (not appropriate veiwing for a 3 year old!). My DC's were specifically warned/told off about putting anything, including hands, round other DC's necks.

I would have told your Nephew off myself, with a strong DON'T do that, it's dangerous. That's not nice, don't do it again etc. He hurt your son, you have every right to tell him off yourself, even if his parents don't.

Do you think this is ineffectual parenting, or do you thin your Nephew may have special needs of some sort which mean he is not "getting" the social rules as well/as fast as he should? How is his language, other social development coming on?

In your position I would, keep visiting, but not leave nephew with my toddler unless I was in the room, always tell the boy off firmly if he hurt/tried to hurt my DC, and voice any concerns I had to my brother/his partner - but very carefully and in a supportive way. One the one hand, raising issues MAY harm your relationship with your brother, but on the other hand, suddenly staying away and not visiting certainly WILL!

Original poster

filipolarbear · 28/12/2011 14:21

I hate to say it oldmum but I think its ineffectual parenting, he is spoiled rotten and never shown the consequences or punished if he does anything wrong.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/12/2011 14:21

Well if you are that close to them then you should just tell them how it is. No normal parent wouldnt react if their child had their hands round a baby's neck and was trying to throttle him!

If I were you I would keep visiting and if their DS hurts your DS I would tell him off severely!

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 28/12/2011 14:28

We have this situation with my neice, my sister has never ever once used the word "No" to her, and now she is 11, weighs over 12 stone and recently literally dropkicked my then 4 year old down our mother's garden path, after shoving my 7 yr old to the floor and kicking him in the head. Our only option ended up being to never ever leave her alone with our DCs and to watch her like a hawk, but on that occasion I was too slow and she really hurt both of them. It was only because DD was too fast for her that she escaped unharmed. You need to either nip this in the bud now or realise that you can never ever leave your son alone with his cousin, you and/or your DH need to be right there all* the time. It is unsafe to do anything else.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 28/12/2011 14:29

oops with the * there

spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 14:34

'Examples are, smacking him in the head when his mum held my ds as a small baby, attempting to stamp on his feet because he couldnt walk'

If your baby is 11m old this must have been about a year ago and therefore your nephew would only have been 2, little more than a baby himself.
I wouldn't stop visiting.I am sure between all the adults there you can protect your DS.Also make sure that your nephew gets as leastr as much attention and fuss as your baby..

Original poster

filipolarbear · 28/12/2011 14:39

spiderpig the foot stamping happened about 2 months ago

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2011 15:18

'they just roll their eyes and say "oh what can you do, we can't control him"'
That is your cue to take charge of the situation. I'd do exactly what Worraliberty suggested. Do NOT feel shy about doing this. you are doing the child a favour. And your ineffectual DB and SIL.

slavetofilofax · 28/12/2011 15:23

Your baby is more important than your sibling. I would avoid invitations where your nephew is going to be there and suggest adult only time of you want to see your brother.

If they start to realise that you are avoiding their child, then you can tell them why you would prefer not to be in his company. Other than that, I don't see wht you can do. You don't have the right to tell them how to parent, and presumably the visits would not be nice for you anyway if you have to be constantly on guard for your baby. It would be easier to just not see them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2011 15:50

I would have no problem in saying, "We will not be spending time with you and your ds because of his nasty and violent behaviour towards our baby. As and when you have taught him the basics of civilised behaviour, we will be happy to see you again".

But it is a whole lot easier to type this on an internet forum than to say it to a close relative (or to a friend), so I can quite understand why you wouldn't actually say this, but would just avoid visiting them. I think you would be utterly reasonable to do so!

spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 17:55

Really?? You would advise the OP to cut contact with her beloved DB because of a 3 YO??
If the baby's only 11m the Op and her DP should be watching him all the time anyway and be ready to intevene quickly if the DN makes a move.
least said soonest mended, It might be that in another couple of years it is the OPs DS smacking the DB's newborn!!

rootietootie · 28/12/2011 19:49

We had a similar problem. Are you able to discipline your niece? We couldn't, or at least not in her own home when her parents had not, so when she was small we just stopped going down to visit them. They still come to ours, and I felt I could intervene more as it was my house.

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 28/12/2011 19:58

If your DB is saying "What can you do" then you say "Let me show you" and proceed to give your DNephew his first ever bollocking. If you love him, teach him where the boundaries are - you have every right as his aunt and the mother of the child he's liable to hurt!

My SIL expects me to discipline 4yo DNephew if necessary, although I'm careful to do what I think she'd do and ask if I'm not sure (I don't have kids of my own) It's called being supportive!

DoMeDon · 28/12/2011 20:26

I cannot spend time in the company of people who are spineless with their DC. It makes me dislike them. Tell them you expectations and step in to 'parent' your DN when they can;t be bothered. For me it's a deal breaker.

skybluepearl · 28/12/2011 20:34

you can choose - either don't visit or take the lead! show them how to parent/dicipline the child in a firm but fair way. you have to do this to protect your own child and your own child is the most important person in this situation. don't let him be beaten up and over time you can teach him how to say no and stop.

also buy them a book called toddler taming. will teach them everything they need to know and you can give it to them saying you thought it might help

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2011 22:03

Spiderpig - if her brother loves her, he shouldn't be letting his child harm her baby. She does have the option of seeing her brother and his wife, without their child - but is that actually going to change anything? Maybe if she tells her brother that she is not going to put her child into harm's way, that she wants her brother to teach his child some civilised behavior, and that she is not prepared to have his child anywhere near her child until that happens - that will galvanise him into actually doing something about this behaviour.

Cherriesarelovely · 28/12/2011 22:25

you have my absolute sympathies. I have just had the mother of all fallings out (?) with some very old friends because of similar behaviour of their children. They are now 9 but have been absolutely horribly behaved since they were toddlers. One of their parents corrects them slightly but the other not at all. Anyway, I wont bother you with the details but after starting a thread about it on MN a few months ago (when it all came to a head ) I confronted them about it. They were, and still are, absolutey livid with us, completely reject what we have said and in fact have disowned us as friends. That has solved one problem (!) but it is very sad.

In conclusion I have realised that no matter how obvious it is to you alot of parents with badly behaved DCs do not acknowledge it at all (and by that I am not talking about the usual ups and downs that all kids have) and there is no way of talking about it without causing offence. I suppose I would say that if I were you I would try to distance yourself a little bit but other than that you need to tell your nephew off yourself if he attacks your DS. It is a horrible situation.

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