to have longed to know more about my absent father and be quite utterly terrified now that I may be able to do so?

[SesameSnapped]

A little background so as to avoid drip feeding in case someone actually reads this! My parents were never married and split up when I was a baby. I was raised from the age of three by my mother and stepfather. No contact with biological father from the age of one and I know my mother had some kind of injunction against him on my behalf but for what I am not entirely sure. It has been hinted to me that he may have had a drinking problem and my mother has commented that "some people struggle to cope in certain situations which are beyond their control." (Very much a surprise baby. )

Apparently I still saw my paternal half uncle, grandfather and step grandmother for two years or so after this. Mum and I moved house and lost contact with his family. My mother said she continued to write to my GPs, (they lived overseas) however she stopped getting any response but tried every few years right up until I was 18. I have a few memories of my half uncle who stayed with us in England (he was in his last year at boarding school) fairly frequently.

So my dilemma... I found an email address for my father posted online from 2006. I am absolutely, 100% sure it is his because it was in the context of a discussion about family history and he listed his father and half brother's full names. I did a quick Google search on my uncle and of course, (because I wasn't emotional enough already!) he has his own website dedicated to his research, an entry on the website of the uni he teaches at and even a place to download his CV which has his telephone number and residential address.

My gut reaction is to contact my uncle first but I just don't know what to say or how to start it. I do not want a relationship with any of them and I live too far away for unwanted contact to be a problem. I just want to know what happened to my father. Something inside me needs to know. I want to know why he couldn't be my dad or if he is anyone else's father. I want to know if I have any more half siblings or if he had a successful marriage and made something of himself. I am completely lost and quite frightened.

I just don't know what to say. Has anyone here ever made contact?

Wow. I don't have any advice from experience, but this is very similar to the situation I expect my DS to be in in a few years time.

His father's family have never shown any interest in knowing him and he is not in the slightest bit interested in knowing them.

His father's sister has an online presence so I could find her if I needed to, although I wouldn't have a clue where to start if I tried to find his father directly.

In our circumstances, I would go through the sister first, if DS wanted to contact his father - or suggest that he did.

It sounds as though you have had some sort of relationship with your uncle and, if he teaches at a university, he is likely to not be potentially problematic.

So I think I would contact your uncle, if I were in your shoes, and tell him exactly what you have told us. I'd keep it brief, to the point and friendly. But I think I would do it. He may even be expecting it at some point. Especially if he uses the internet and is aware of it's potential uses.

Why not get someone to contact the uncle for you, that way you could receive his reply, but he wouldn't have your email address if you excised not to take it further.

Part of my job is tracing people and then contacting them in a neutral way, so if you want some helper would like me to be the go-between, PM me.

I would go through your uncle TBH. Going directly to your father (if he still has a drink problem) might open up a whole can of worms you cannot put the lid back on.

But what is it you actually want to know? Do you actually want to have contact? Do you want to meet him? Forge a relationship? becasue if all you are is curious and you don't want him in your life - then it's all pretty much pointless getting in contact.

My ex dh opened a whole can of worms when he started to research his family tree so be warned that you may find out things that you don't want to know. I think there is something in the saying ignorance is bliss & tbh if your Dad had wanted to find you he presumably could have at any stage?

I would definitely get in contact by whichever method you choose is best but get the answers you need. My DM was adopted and DGM had the details of her DMs birth mother but didn't tell her when she asked. By the time my DM decided she needed to find her birth mother and managed it she was dead so never got to meet her. It has caused her no end of pain and left her with questions that now cannot ever be answered

What a very hard decision for you to make.

From a personal experience, do not contact your father directly first. Gage how he is and how he would react to you contacting him, or ask your uncle to contact him for you, perhaps passsing on your email address first.

Good luck, I completely get why you need to contact him.

If it's just information, go via the uncle. Ask him to omit to tell your father you've been in contact.

there is web site called family tree forum which when you join i know has area for sensitive research and have lot of people who have been in the same place as you
you only have one shot so go careful

I'm interested in maybe very occassional email contact with my father, e.g. every year/ few years. Tbh more interested in a relationship with the uncle but perhaps this is a little irrational?

I think I just feel certain things do not fit together with what I have been told by my mother and we never even openly talk about my step father not being my actual dad. (My youngest sibling is 22 and doesn't even know as far as I am aware)

I don't know if he did want to be 'dad' or just cause trouble but Mum changed my last name shortly after I started school because she was concerned that he may trace me. I have the original paperwork and my mother stated that she had been abandoned by my father which does not tally with the injunction. Perhaps it was just a legal technicality.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm mainly worried that contact with the uncle would get back to my father. It just seems like a weak way to go about it should my father find out. Ideally my uncle would say nothing but I can't really trust him not to. If I sent him an email, is it appropriate to ask outright for info or should I pretend to check his identity and introduce myself?

If you do decide to contact this side of your family (I would, but I'd go through the uncle) be prepared for a very emotional time of it. You may not get the answers you expect or want but ultimately you may get some answers. It might be an idea to talk to your mother first - probably an uncomfortable conversation but at least then you have her side of the story to start with. Its amazing how different things are as an adult comapared to how they seemed as a child.
I think that it is probable, due to their easily accessed online presence, that they are waiting for you to get in touch.

Wassaily That does seem like the rational thing to do but this just seems so private. I have one friend in RL I have confided in who also lost contact with her father at a young age but could not imagine sharing it with anyone else.

I suppose I am slightly distrustful of my mother because a few things don't add up and I know she would probably tell my step father which would break my heart. He was very insecure about his role in my life for a long time so I don't want to upset anything.

I understand. I have a different situation but its family stuff so it does relate. I didn't discuss it with my mum before raking things up in a big way and I do slightly regret that now. I still don't trust her to give me the truth but in retrospect I think she did deserve the chance.

How old are you OP?
I have had no contact with my bioF for 30 years and wouldn't go anywhere near even if the opportunity arose. It could stir up a right shit storm and you could end end dealing with the fall-out (excuse mixed metaphors).

I eventually made contact with my father after a 25 year gap. It genuinely took every ounce of courage I had.

It was hideous.

It is different for everybody though.

However, I would echo the other posters - be prepared.

My own experience was a bad one but it doesn't have to be like that for you.
I really do wish you well.

I contacted my dad after losing contact when I was 13 and asked some questions that really played on me. It didn't end well and left me devastated but 3 years on I'm so glad I did it. I can now move on in the knowledge my fathers a twat but it wasn't MY fault.

Sesame, I searched for my father for years, but was not able to find him anywhere. I did find my uncle. If I were you, I would write a letter to your uncle, explaining the same way you did here. Just to make sure your father is not a person you need to do things like get restraining orders from. (Do you know for a fact your mother had one out?) Then see how it goes from there.
If I found my father, I would contact him with a snail mail letter immediately. I would end the letter telling him I will be writing back again in a few weeks, to see what he would like to do. He would probably be shocked to hear from me, and it could possibly be weeks before he had it sorted out in his mind. I think at first there could be anxiety, worry, panic...but after a few weeks I would write again, and ask him if we could meet.
Anyways, please let us know how it goes. Wishing you tons of luck.

Any updates as yet?