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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh is being really ungrateful?

24 replies

Magneto · 27/12/2011 19:26

So yesterday dh came home from work feeling ill, he eventually was sick and spent all evening in bed. I rang his work for him to tell them he wouldn't be in today and prepared myself for having two toddlers to look after today. However later last night I was also sick and was up all night being ill, resettling ds 4 times and doing the night feed.

By morning I felt awful and had two choices for childcare today; my mum or mil.

If I chose mil I would spend the day uncomfortable as I would be sick with her in the house iyswim? She would also likely bring with her an assortment of children who would scream, shout, bang about, fight and generally really piss me off for the duration of their stay. Mil would be unlikely to be able to stay all day and ds would have no routine to his day. On the plus side, mil would be likely to do some tidying while she is here.

If I chose my mum, ds would have her full undivided attention all day and I wouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home. However the house would look like a bombsite when she left.

Either way dh would stay in bed all day anyway (he didn't get up until 3pm). So I chose my mum, as the mess can be fixed.

So dh spent the day in bed, I spent the day on the sofa while my mum ran around after ds, fed him, changed him and entertained him. She did not get him dressed or tidy up but I didn't ask her to, all I wanted was a stress free day being ill and knowing ds was looked after.

I went back to bed at 4, while my mum was feeding ds and was woken by dh slamming the bedroom door open and yelling at me about what a lazy freeloading cow my mum is. I explained all of the above and im now back in bed while he deep cleans downstairs by the sound of it.

I feel I must add that he despises my mum anyway for various and mainly quite valid reason but knowing he wasn't going to be helping me with ds all day I chose the easiest option for me. Aibu to think he should just be grateful for what she did for us today rather than kicking off about what she didn't do?

OP posts:
onthebus · 27/12/2011 19:31

It depends exactly on your mum and why there are "issues" with her. For what it's worth I would have struggled on alone in your circumstances rather than have my mum round to help - she would also leave the house in such a tip it feels like it was no help having her round and would (and now I'm transposing) forever be bringing it up what a wonderful help she was and be using it "against" me forever after. So if your mum is somewhat like that I am with DH. If we're really just talking about a bit of mess, you are lucky to have had her.

squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 19:31

Without knowing the backstory (and there clearly is a huge one),it is impossible to say if he is BU or not.

Winkly · 27/12/2011 19:31

YANBU. If he is well enough to object to help he was well enough to have got up.

LidlDonkey · 27/12/2011 19:34

If you're both ill then surely your house being a bit untidy for a day or two won't hurt? Don't understand your DH's issues, nor the fact that you feel you have to deal with it all when you're as ill as he is. He sounds like the lazy one to me and should have been grateful that your mum was helping out.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 19:35

Why didn't he arrange or do the child care himself? What if there was no you or his mum or mil? What would he have done- phoned ss? Don't think so. Lazy arse.

PuggyMum · 27/12/2011 19:36

New to this site but omg you are so NBU! And I say that as someone who's Mum and MIL sound very similar in what they would see as the task in hand.
In the same situation I would tell my DH to get f*ed and next time he can sort the childcare.
Men!!

fivegomadindorset · 27/12/2011 19:39

Yes he is being ungrateful.

Original poster
Magneto · 27/12/2011 19:41

The house wasnt exactly sparkling before she came round tbh and as far as I could see all that was wrong with it was ds's toys were all over the place and she used rather more dishes than we normally would (not that much of a problem as we have a dishwasher).

The issues are mainly her behaviour when she gets drunk (which is far too often), however I am 100% confident she would never agree to look after ds in that state and I can easily tell if she's had a drink. Plus I was there the whole time. I want Her to change and she adores ds so IMO letting her have supervised access to the only thing that will get her put of bed in the morning is preferable to leaving her to kill herself. Ds is her reason to change and she is very slowly making progress. Dh would rather we cut all contact with her.

And yes I agree he should have got out of bed however knowing how awful he is at doing anything just because he's tired I thought I'd cut him some slack and let him get well without me nagging him all day.

OP posts:
goldbow · 27/12/2011 19:46

Unless he was prepared to get up and take care of DCs while you went back to bed, I'd tell him to put up or shut up.

Backtobedlam · 27/12/2011 19:49

YANBU it doesn't do any harm to have an untidy house for a few days. Personally I'd much rather my mum/mil spent time with the dc's and left the house. Cleaning will always be there to do and if you were ill it would have probably been even more untidy if you'd tried to struggle alone. At least you can get up tomorrow feeling better and purge the house then.

Original poster
Magneto · 27/12/2011 19:50

And I really can't stress enough that ds is in no danger while my mum is here.

Dh even admitted that had it been MIL here he would still have stayed in bed all day Hmm he cannot function if he's tired or ill and as I could see he was really sick I left him to get better. And it must have worked because I'm certainly not well enough to be doing the strenuous extreme cleaning he is currently doing.

OP posts:
goldbow · 27/12/2011 19:52

Sorry OP but thats just crap that your DH can't cope when tired or ill. Sometimes we just have to.

Original poster
Magneto · 27/12/2011 19:56

I know Sad it is a problem that has come up time and time again.

If he's in work he will get on fine but at home he just shuts down.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 27/12/2011 19:56

yelling at me about what a lazy freeloading cow my mum is

I suggest he pays her the going rate for a childminder then.

verytellytubby · 27/12/2011 19:56

He sounds like an arse.

Dustinthewind · 27/12/2011 19:57

He's being a prat, but it's hard to reason with people when they are ill, so I wouldn't bother. You were there the whole time, your DS was in no danger even if your mother is a drinker, she wasn't sole carer and was willing to try and be a help. A house full of other people's children is a bad thing if you are not on top form.
A tidy house is a vastly overrated thing, I haven't had one for years.
Sounds like all your relationships are works in progress, I think you made the right choice.

HenriettaFarthingay · 27/12/2011 20:04

Poor you Magneto, you don't have much going for you. MIL makes you uncomfortable, your own Mum does help out, but is trying to give up the booze, and your h sounds as if he's just a horrible pig. Leave him to do this 'deep cleaning' if he wants, though I suspect it's probably just very noisy ordinary cleaning, and lie in bed and get yourself better. You have a lot to deal with there.

Oh and if my husband had ever called my own Mother anything like he called yours, he'd have been turfed out the front door so fast his feet wouldn't have touched the ground. He hasn't of course, he and my Mother got on like a house on fire.

goldbow · 27/12/2011 20:04

When you are both better, a kick up the arse is in order (for DH not you). Lots of families don't have anyone they can call on for help when they are ill. We lives hundreds of miles away from family (and I find it easier to cope alone than get relatives in thats another story) However two of mine are school age and I am sometimes bale to get toddler booked in for extra nursery sessions.

Yor DH needs to count his lucky stars.

Ephiny · 27/12/2011 21:55

I think what he said about your mum was appalling - especially as she'd voluntarily given up her day to come and look after your/his child. Instead of being grateful for her kindness, he has a go at her for not cleaning his house as well? I've never heard of such a thing. He sounds quite deranged.

I also am very sceptical about the 'cannot function if tired or ill', especially if he was well enough to be stamping around the house slamming doors and shouting etc. Most mums just have to get on with things even when not feeling 100%, if their partner is out at work (or not around at all).

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:59

he is a twunt

blackeyedsanta · 28/12/2011 01:10

he could have been doing what I was doing a couple of weeks ago, staggering along the landing to comfort a vomitting dd whilst taking my own bowl along with me to throw up at the same time. staggering downstairs to feed ds between bouts of vomitting and trying to keep a stroppy toddler in his cot whilst I was vomitting.

he is an ungrateful rude idiot.

spiderslegs · 28/12/2011 02:12

I wish I had the choice - your DH is being a complete arse - give him my option which is dead ILs, a mother that hasn't rung over Christmas at all & a DF that I love dearly but won't see until NY Eve as my youngest brother with him & SM is still at school & SM won't do Christmas anywhere else until he's left home.

(& they live 150 miles away anyway).]

We would rejoice in your options.

spiderslegs · 28/12/2011 02:17

Oh & DH works away alot - consequently, I have not been allowed to be ill for over five years.

NadiaWadia · 28/12/2011 02:32

So - have I got this right - your Mum makes herself available all day to devotedly care for her DGC?

And THEN your DH stomps around and shouts at you that she is a 'lazy freeloading cow'.

Why are you married to this utter twat?

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