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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreliable friends

20 replies

delilahbelle · 27/12/2011 18:35

I am getting increasingly fed up with people cancelling on me.

Friend one - dropped out of a meal out with about 6 hr notice. Luckily I had DH and another friend, so didn't mind too much. No real excuse except she didn't fancy it after all.

Friend two - suggested I wait 'until she was ready' as she couldn't commit to a time to meet up this morning. Despite her saying last week today would be good for her. I politely declined. Think she was annoyed as normally I would hang round waiting for her. Sadly I had plans.

Which brings us to...

Friend three - I had lunch with family, she was supposed to meet me for a wander round the shops after - had a text around the time we were meeting to say she was sales shopping in another town instead. So I went home, then I had a further text saying she would pop round - so I tidied and stayed in and she has not turned up!

Is it me? Do I smell? (don't answer that)
One person, fair enough, but three in a row dropping me makes me feel

OP posts:

Sparklingbaubles · 27/12/2011 18:40

You don't smell-you just have flaky friends,time for a clearout by the sound of it.

needanewname · 27/12/2011 18:41

Oh dear. I'm sure it's nothing, but can understand how you feel.

I would suggest that you stop being so available to them. Plan things and if you're busy, say so, don't alter your plans for them or run around trying to please them.

runningwilde · 27/12/2011 18:45

Agree that you need to give your time to those who give their time to you x

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 18:46

Oh, I have had similar problems recently. Out of the 14 people who PROMISE PROMISE PROMISED to come to my birthday, 8 turned up and 2 were over an hour late.

My birthday is right before Christmas and I know it's a busy time, but it HURTS.

My plan this year is to be more reliable myself so that others are more reliable with me and if they commit to something then don't come, then I'm not chasing them up.

Probably they just feel comfortable with you, but that doesn't mean they can treat you like dirt.

BastedTurkey · 27/12/2011 18:46

Be less available to them. Be more inflexible so that if they have arranged to meet you, they know they don't get a second chance.

It is very disrespectful of them

Sparklingbaubles · 27/12/2011 18:49

On the plus side, if you have to cancel them at a moment's notice, or let them down you can do it guilt-free.

BendyBob · 27/12/2011 18:59

They do sound annoying and it's wrong to be flaky of course, but are you sure you're not hemming them into agreeing too meet up even though it's really not convenient; ie are you difficult to say no to?

Just a thought as you say it's happening a lot..

Flubba · 27/12/2011 19:01

Oh poor you. I feel your sadness. I hosted a Christmas party a couple of weeks back and friends flaked left, right and centre, and some for really crappy reasons :(. Made me feel very blue and I did wonder whether I smell bad.

Bad timing for party, no RSVP asked for (duh!) and I'm clearly a bit of a walkover though I thought I was a bad ass (said with an American accent - I'm not a donkey)

btw, you don't smell too bad from here ~ just a bit of a faint whiff

FrankiDon182 · 27/12/2011 21:32

I understand where you are coming from! Except i was let down by my own mother, grandmother and aunt for a charity event i was hosting. This hurt as all confirmed they would be attending when my mum flaked (cold apparently, more like hangover !) grandmother had a bad stomache and aunt said she was coming and never showed.

I must be unreasonable to expect support from my own family? 6.5 months pregnant holding a charity event to raise money for Macmillan in memory of my late fatherinlaw. Pfft, screw them.

Get new friends! Sadly i cant get new family

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:37

yes i agree be more inflexible and more unavailable to them. work out when you are planning to do things - and tell them they can pop along while you are in town at home at X hour but otherwise you wont be there

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 27/12/2011 21:41

Thats why I don't have friends. I've always been the one who does the chasing, always been the one who makes the plans and am always the one who gets dropped (usually without notice) when a better offer comes along.

DP didn't believe me on any of this until he began witnessing it himself but at least he has a reason for why I'm a hard nosed unemotional bitch and not that i'm just one for the sake of it!

My choice is to just give up tbh. Depends how often this has happened to you OP as to what option you choose.

festi · 27/12/2011 21:49

Actualy although YANBU to be annoyed I can kind of understand why friend 2 and 3 bailed out. It seemed to be about you. Friend 2 wanted time to get organised was it a loose plan you got too pinned down on or was it a last minute plan she needed more time for?

friend 3 seemed a second thought, you where eating with others and planned to meet her later, could she maybe have thought she could/ would have eat with you and the other group and shopped together after, seemes she would have had to wait around for you. I, in that case would have served my own plans first and if that ment shopping in another town then I would have rather than wait around for friend to finish with other friends.

friend 1 not too sure, but would not get too upset about that.

sprinkles77 · 27/12/2011 21:49

Nearly you are me!! I have about 2 real friends. The others were wasting my life. And my DH came to the same realisation as your DP.

OP YANBU, ditch the flakey ones, make the most of decent ones and family, make some new ones if you can. You can always see the flakey ones if it happens to suit. Or if you really want to get a warm glow, make arrangements with them then drop out if you can't be arsed. I've done that a bit. Cheers me up no end. Have said yes to stuff that I had no intention of doing. Bitch? Moi? Actually, it's good practice in saying no for those of us who could be doormats if not careful.

stubbornstains · 27/12/2011 21:49

It seems to me that there's a great deal of unspoken game playing in friendships, sometimes, just as there is in relationships and dating. Some people jockey to get the upper hand, to make themselves feel popular. They like to feel that they're the ones being run after, rather than the ones doing the running. I don't mean that they do this on purpose precisely; I think it's normally quite unconscious.

My advice? Play them at their own game. Let them do the running. Focus on making new friends too- more reliable and upfront ones. Then you won't feel that you need their friendship quite so much...

pigletmania · 27/12/2011 21:51

I agree, New Year, new start, time to clear out the flaky friends, and find some lovely sincere ones.

OberonTheHopeful · 27/12/2011 23:02

It's really not you. 'Flakey' friends are nothing other than selfish and inconsiderate, people who will continue to take advantage because they get away with it. Use the new year as a good psychological opportunity to turn things around for yourself, you deserve better friends :).

Original poster

delilahbelle · 27/12/2011 23:08

Thanks for the replies everyone.
I am honestly going to give up arranging things - with all of these people I had asked them when /if they would like to meet, so it's not be demanding we do stuff exactly when I want to - they had come back to me with the arrangements.

Anyway...

Friend 1 has since been in touch, she has had a horrendous cold so I think it's a fairly good excuse for missing the meal out - not least because I wouldn't have wanted it. She has also had friend 3 not turn up for something she was invited to over the festive season.

Friend 2 is very flaky/always late for things. I'm going to give up chasing her, and just let her know if I have plans with other people. I need to grow some balls, I am fed up of being the one sat round waiting for her - she is fun though so I will continue to invite her out, but make sure I am not put in the situation of having to wait for her.

Friend 3 who didn't turn up without notice I don't generally see much of anyway. She can be bitchy and it's not the first time she's dropped me without notice because something better has come along. Think I might be letting that 'friendship' cool off a bit.

Thank goodness DH is reliable :)

OP posts:

Fairytightsonmychristmastree · 27/12/2011 23:22

I am sorry for you. I really am. I seem to have this happen to me alot as well and dont really know why.

We planned a get together at our house for last Friday. We invited people we wanted to come (all local) and asked for RSVPs because I wanted to know whether to cater for a small group of people or the total 20 odd we had invited. What with it being the Friday before Xmas we were certain some peeps would be going away for Xmas, hence the RSVPs really, so we would know the deffo "no" people. We had 12 replies out of 20 sent. Of those 8 said they were coming but on the day 5 of them cancelled. Fair enough 2 were down to illness which can only be expected at this time of year but the other 3 cancelled for shit reasons imo - a better offer came up. 1 "friend" had said she would lend me her punch bowl but called an hour before they were due to say a neighbour was having a "do" so they thought they would go there.

Similar happend on my birthday too. Arranged a girls night out. Arranged rooms for people to stay over etc, booked a table and then everyone pulled out because it was a nice hot day and they wanted to do something nice with it or similar - which yes, we had a shite summer, so when it was nice on my birthday which was also a Saturday I understand they wanted to go out with their families etc but really left me feeling like shit. Even my sister, chose a day with 4yos at a farm over coming to see me, despite it all being arranged weeks in advance. My dear best friend was still up for it and we did have a brilliant impromptu night out just down at my local pub, but I did feel very let down and hurt.

I personally only ever commit to stuff I know I will attend and yes as a mum there are times when the kids throw a spanner in the works and I have had to cancel etc but not because a better offer comes along, and by better offer I dont mean a night out with Johnny Depp (would fully understand if a mate stood me up for that ).

Sorry to go off on a tangent all about me, but I wanted to show you that it is not just you. It happens to lots of us. I just think some people are just so wrapped up in themselves and their own lives they dont think how their actions and choices actually affect others.

It does not stop it from hurting your feelings though, does it.

Its not you. I am sure you are lovely and great company.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 00:45

I have, in the past year, ditched all friends that are flakey or think the world revolves around them. It feels very liberating!

In your situation with Friend 1, I would have just carried on with the meal and enjoyed it, like you did, but I wouldn't bother to arrange anything with them again, unless they made the first move. If they let me down again for no reason I would pull back from the friendship.

With friend 2, you did the right thing. Next time she phones or contacts you, I would just say you are busy and don't make any plans.

Friend 3 I would totally ditch, she sounds awful and selfish.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 00:49

Just read your other post on here, OP, and I too don't make arrangements with people these days, I let them make them with me. I do still of course make an effort with my handful of best friends, but if someone lets me down once or treats me even very slightly badly they get dropped like a hot potato until they can earn my friendship back.

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