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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? DP or his mother? (long, apologies)

26 replies

PerUnaBomber · 27/12/2011 13:26

DP is not talking to his parents (he's an only child) which meant that we spent Christmas Day at home with DS, which was actually absolutely lovely and what I would have preferred anyway. However, unflattering lies have been told by PIL* about DP to his extended family members to explain why we have not/will not be present at various get togethers over the festive period - most significantly the fact that his parents went to MIL's sister & family on Christmas Day, rather than stay at home.

The reason for the fracture is that DP mentioned to his mother last Thursday that Christmas presents were going to be less extravagant this year compared to previously as I was on paid ML this time last year and am now a SAHM, so our income has been depleted by 50%. MIL then said, "well, I don't know how you have no money, you earn more than your Aunt - she couldn't believe that you were struggling on your salary." To which DP said, "why did you tell her what I earn?" Answer: "she asked".

DP then, as is his wont, got a little het up as MIL also revealed that her friends all know his wage, as, "we all know what each other's children earn". I tend to agree with DP that salary disclosures are up there with Very Private Things and not to be traded about without the approval of the salary earner. Or, if she can't help herself broadcasting his wage, MIL should have been a little more circumspect and not mentioned telling anyone.

This particular argument was fairly heated and FIL kicked DP out of their house and took his set of keys off him - taking MIL's side as he always does, no matter what, against their only child. PIL and DP are very short fused and bicker a lot.

The lie that was told to DP's aunt about Christmas Day was that DP had been drunk and aggressive (he wasn't drunk, he says, he had been Christmas shopping and gone to theirs for a cup of tea afterwards) towards MIL. We don't understand why PIL went to their house on Christmas Day other than they wanted to be dramatic and get their story as the offended parties firmly "out there" in the family - DP isn't interested in having the family referee this situation, but is horrified that there are 15 people having lunch at PIL's round the corner now, hearing a very skewed (and no doubt casting MIL in an entirely innocent and victim-ish light) version of events and another lie about why we are not present and nobody can call round to see us and DS.

DP feels very alone - we took DS round to PIL's yesterday for a bit and MIL spent the whole time ignoring her only child and trying to engage me in conversation about my family, which is a topic she knows I don't like to discuss with her as she's a judgy gossip anyone.

So, if you've made it this far, does anyone have any advice on how DP goes about sorting this out? DP's head is all over the place and my instincts - based on my own, fairly negative family experiences - are probably not the most conciliatory as I feel PIL have behaved childishly and unfairly (as I think they frequently do).

*I know they aren't my PIL as we're not married, but for ease of typing, have used the usual acronyms

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 27/12/2011 13:31

He needs to confront his mother and tell her that what he earns is private, and that if she cannot keep things private she won't be told anything in future. With regards the rest of the family give them a call and put your side. Its relatively easy to do.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 13:31

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid...other than the fact it might blow over if left alone for a while?

But why does your MIL know how much your DP earns?

My PILs wouldn't have a clue how much my DH earns.

lurkerspeaks · 27/12/2011 13:34

I'm afraid I have little sympathy. I and many of my friends are on nationally agreed salary scales and in order to find out what we earn all you have to do is google.

Same for most jobs really. Why the mystique? Is it really worth all this angst?

sparks · 27/12/2011 13:43

DP is not BU. If MIL is telling lies and spreading malicious gossip, she is being more than unreasonable. DP needs to decide on what his bounaries are and stick to them. For me that would include not ever disclosing any 'sensitive' personal information to PIL ever again.

fatfingers · 27/12/2011 13:44

I think you all seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill tbh. Why did he tell his dm what he earns in the first place? How do you know what his dm told aunt anyway?

Original poster

PerUnaBomber · 27/12/2011 13:48

Worraliberty, they know because he (naively, IMO) told them his new salary when he got promoted as it was a nice increase and he felt proud of his achievement. I agree that he probably shouldn't have.

Letting it blow over is probably the most likely scenario, though I suspect DP is now more bothered by the exclusion, ongoing stance of indignation and impression given to the rest of his family than he is about the disclosure by his parents. I'm just going to support him in however he deals with it.

Thanks for all your thoughts

OP posts:

Original poster

PerUnaBomber · 27/12/2011 13:50

Fatfingers, we know because FIL told him what had been said to aunt as the reason why they were turning up there for Christmas dinner when the original plan had been for the 3 of us to eat at PIL's

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 27/12/2011 13:55

Your do must know his mother is a gossip. He shouldn't give her another opportunity to spread any information about. Just don't tell her anything because she clearly can't keep her trap shut. Did your dp ask her not to tell anyone about his salary?

She's shown you she can't be trusted in this respect so if you or dp do tell her stuff and she blabs, then it's your own faults, I'm afraid.

This will blow over but there does need to be a shift. Your dp needs to detach from his parents. Does he need a key to their house if they're going to whip it away from him as punishment, for example? I'd say no thank you to having the key back just so it is one less thing for them to be vile about.

Keep your distance but maintain polite cheeriness. Just don't tell them personal stuff you don't want broadcasting.

WinkyWinkola · 27/12/2011 13:56

And if the rest of his family are silly enough to believe what his mother says, then let them.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 14:00

Winky is right. No keys, no discussion of private affairs.

I don't think discussing salaries between family members is verboten - my sister recently asked me cheerfully what DP earns. I found it a bit odd but don't think it's necessarily offensive (I pretended I didn't know though). I also don't think it's a mortal sin for a proud mum to share info like that with others - tasteless, yes, but not malicious.

But throwing it back in his face is nasty- and saying he was drunk when he wasn't is real Jeremy Kyle stuff. So for that reason I'd detach if I were him.

Original poster

PerUnaBomber · 27/12/2011 14:02

Lurkerspeaks, just because I could find out what you earn, doesn't make it any of my business, nor should I use that information to pass comment on what your disposable income should be :-)

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 27/12/2011 14:10

What really bothers your DH about people knowing what he earns?

She sounds a gossip but must all be a bit awkward if you won't discuss your family etc.

IDontDoIroning · 27/12/2011 14:35

I think the issue isnt what he earns its your mils sense of entitlement. She should be aware that your disposable income has reduced plus you have another mouth to feed etc, However if she hadn't been so petulant when your dh told her that you were cutting back on presents this year the whole situation wouldn't have arisen. She must have been discussing this with aunt. She obviously expected your dh to spend the same amount on her presents or more possibly due to the pay rise without factoring in your reduced joint income and additional costs,!
She sounds very selfish and possibly toxic. She IB VERY U.

pictish · 27/12/2011 14:52

Well I think your dp overreacted to his mum telling his aunt how much he earns tbh. Don't see the big deal.

I think your dp started it, and your mil is carrying it on.

It'll all blow over.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 27/12/2011 15:00

How to deal with it?
Leave it in their court. Wait for them to phone/ make contact - ask bluntly why they lied about DP - see what their pathetic excuse is - decide on basis of their reply whether or not it's really worth it (DP's decision of course, since they're his parents)

If they don't phone/make contact, job done.

I know that some people find the whole "how much we earn" topic to be rather vulgar or off-limits - but IMO it really isn't that big a deal - what would matter more (to me) is your MIL's lack of general discretion and her feeling that she should be able to comment upon your choice of expenditure!

KRITIQ · 27/12/2011 15:08

Unless I'm reading something wrong, it sounds like your DP's parents want things all their own way. I gasped when I read the bit about his father throwing him out of the house, taking his keys off him and the lie to other family members later saying he was drunk and abusive. They may be his parents, but it sounds as though you, your child and DP could do well not to have them in their lives at all.

I'm with others who suggest leaving the ball in their court. If they don't pick it up, they will be the ones who suffer most, as they could lose the opportunity for involvement in their DGC's life, as well as contact with their only DC. But even when folks are family, if they are dragging you down and making life hard, it's often better not to have them in your life at all, imho.

ILoveSanta · 27/12/2011 15:11

I see the issue here not as the fact that your MiL is a gossip, which she clearly is - you both knew that from the fact that you won't discuss your family with her - so you could expect that she would share any information you disclose; the issue is the fact that she then LIED TO YOUR DPs FAMILY! That I s an awful thing to do, to lie about your own child and make up such dreadful things about why they are not attending family gatherings!!!

I feel sorry for your DP to have such vindictive parents!

baubleybobbityhat · 27/12/2011 15:16

Mountains out of molehills springs to mind.

Your dp and his mother had a row and now ... all this! God, some people absolutely need drama in their lives.

Original poster

PerUnaBomber · 27/12/2011 18:44

This was the culmination of a series of arguments DP and his mother have been having - a lot of them mountains out of molehills, as you say, baubleybobbityhat. Many of them are the sorts of things most people would just shrug off but the pair of them have a really antagonistic relationship, which FIL seems to fuel rather than defuse as he's a very fiery person as well, who always takes his wife's side, no matter what.

I ended up taking DS round to see the family this afternoon without DP at his request, which I was uncomfortable about as I think it sent both the message that bad behaviour is rewarded (MIL) and also made her and FIL embarrassed in front of 15 family members as nobody dared mention DP's name or ask where he was. Fortunately, DS is 18 months and very gregarious, so he was a useful shield to hide behind, but the reactions of the family towards me were hurtful, to say the least. Which probably means that our non-appearance for the main event was explained away in unfavourable terms - and I may well have been implicated in this whole sorry affair, despite the fact that I wasn't even in the country when it all kicked off!

Anyway, I'm hoping that a bit of radio silence (if they can manage it, they are champion at winding each other up) will serve DP and his mother well and they can discuss the problem calmly in the New Year.

Thanks again for all the input.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 27/12/2011 19:15

Sounds all too close and cosy for comfort. And your mil sounds like an arch manipulator. You and your dp don't stand a chance.

Any possibility of moving away to a more independent life?

Original poster

PerUnaBomber · 27/12/2011 20:33

Winkywinkola, that would be a dream but we moved here from London as we knew I would not be returning to work and it's affordable on 1 salary. I agree that the ball is in their court now, I am just going to keep on supporting DP.

OP posts:

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 20:38

I think your DP is bu for making such a fuss over salary disclosure. Why do you both think it should be such a deep dark secret? That is very 'British' behaviour that most people in other cultures would find strange. I think he is acting like a spoilt child causing a whole family rift over something completely harmless.

WinkyWinkola · 27/12/2011 22:17

It's up to the individual if they want to tell people how much they earn. And if you tell someone something in confidence, even if it's your shoe size, they should keep it to themselves.

natation · 27/12/2011 22:33

Whilst your partner might have over-reacted about his salary being disclosed, lies being told about you is a malicious thing to do, at least your partner should be able to put his side of the story. I have suffered an ex-friend telling the most heinous lie about me recently to my children's teachers and also to her children (confirmed by head teacher of school and ex friend's child) and it has had a devastating affect on our family - we cannot tell say anything to defend the lie told about our family. The only advice I have is to forgive mother and father in law, put the record straight, move on. Life is too short to stay angry.

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 22:48

start telling your MIL less - then she will have less info to gossip about

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