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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hurt at DH's present?

50 replies

tripletrouble · 27/12/2011 10:04

This year I got five wrapped presents from DH. One was a new purse, which was very nice. One was chocolates- I am overweight! And THREE were socks.
I know he loves me, but can't help feeling he did not put much thought into this- and I spent two months planning and carefully buying presents for his family , my family , and the children!

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 27/12/2011 16:53

YANBU to be a bit put out by the socks/chocs naffness. YABU to compare to the time/effort you put in. Everyone's different - expectations can kill the mood.

FWIW - I got evrything on my list - nothing spontaneous- I'd have swapped it all for something original

mummytowillow · 27/12/2011 16:54

My now ex husband used to get his mum to buy my present every year, it would always be a CD and a book! He just couldn't be arsed! I did everything at Christmas! I told him one year what I wanted, Armani diamonds perfume, he couldn't even get that, I heard him on the phone to his mum! idiot

Bet he managed to but something nice for his skanky tart though! bitter I am

So pleased he's now an ex

LineRunner · 27/12/2011 17:14

My teenagers were stressing this year about presents and money (and so was I, to be honest) so we took each other out and tried on clothes and shoes and slippers in front of each other and said things like, Oooh, I'd really like to have that one day ...

Then we went back and bought each other something we knew was actually wanted. The 'thought' part of it was going out for the window-shopping trip in the first place.

The DCs are pleased that no money was wasted, as it's in short supply at the moment all round; but that everyone got Something Nice. Families aren't telepathic and I think you need to be more specific with your DH (within budget).

Scuttlebutter · 27/12/2011 17:21

But they actually sound like quite nice presents. And as everyone else has said, Christmas is not a test of his telepathic powers. Give him a list of potential goodies, and ask him to choose something. Ask him to give you a list too. For some presents you need to be there. DH got a pair of running shoes so he had to go to the shop to choose/try/have his gait checked. No surprise but he was thrilled. Obviously there were some other surprises for him too but I knew his main present was something he really wanted and liked. For me, we went out together to Cath Kidston and he helped me choose a lovely bag. Again, lots of surprises as well on christmas morning, but what's wrong with talking to each other?

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 18:13

I think it is the lack of thought that hurts rather than not getting what you want.

There is hope though, OP. My partner used to be pretty rubbish at presents, but since he realised how much thought I put into mine, he has really improved. This year he got me a dress that I mentioned over a year ago and a pair of rollerskates that I banged on about but would never indulge in.

Do you ever go shopping together? Or point out things you like?

MatLeaveForever · 27/12/2011 18:19

I'll swap you the socks for the shapeless, ridiculously huge, thin, boring grey hoodie I got from DH!

YouOldSlag · 27/12/2011 18:24

OP, YANBU. last year I got a kitchen appliance from DH. After one of the hardest years ever where I had worked my fingers to the bone, dealt with his impossible mother, produced Christmas for HIS and my friends and families single handed (you know, like most women do) sold most of my stuff on eBay to get us through a rough patch, and not had any nice things or time to myself, he gave me another reason to stay in the kitchen more.

It's not ungrateful, and we all know that we are in the luckiest 5% of the world just to have running water and a roof over our heads etc. However, I had been hoping for something that said, bloody hell, you work hard, thank you for doing it all, here's something pretty/that smells nice/just for you so you can have five minutes to yourself for spending your entire year doing things for other people.

A 99p bottle of Radox would have done that, so it's not about greed or ingratitude, but recognition and acknowledgement.

callmemrs- when you say "perhaps he didn't have two months planning and buying time"- well no, partners usually have TWELVE months planning and buying time.

Helltotheno · 27/12/2011 18:26

I agree with you op, chocs and socks are rubbish presents, requiring little to no thought tbh. Socks are things you HAVE to buy for yourself because they wear out etc... there's a reason why socks as presents are slagged off on ads etc. And don't even start me on wrapping 3 pairs of socks separately... is this a bloody adult we're talking about??!
As for the chocs, a bloody insult imo, esp if he knows you're aware of your weight and mention it from time to time. My dh would be hung drawn and quartered for getting me chocs - and it's nothing to do with me being spoilt. If he knows anything about me at all after 10 years together, it's that stuff like that is NOT on the present list.

Just pick about 5 things and tell him you want 1 of those or 2 if there's not too much expense involved. Terrible that you should have to say it straight out but some people just are not good at buying presents.
If the purse was half way decent, he would've been better off just giving you that on its own.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 18:34

Hmm it's a bit six of one, half a dozen of the other. Me and DP do not have a fantastic sex life, but he gets wonderful presents: a new pair of wellies that I needed - really cute ones - an album he knows I like but haven't bought - the new book by my favourite science writer - plus a jokey present between the two of us. Stuff that is quite low key but really me, stuff that he has actually thought about rather than just chocolate + perfume.

But then other bits of the relationship aren't 100% perfect. Whose is? I think if this is something systemic, feel aggrieved; if not, shrug and accept this isn't the good part of your relationship and concentrate on the better bits.

FredFredGeorge · 27/12/2011 18:41

YABVU unless you specifically said to your DH previously that it's really important to your view of love and relationships that he gets you particular things (or anything at all).

I can't imagine why anyone would care about the presents they got from DP, you get your own money spent on something you may or may not like - chances are without being told exactly what to get it will morely likely not like (or not like as much as something you could get for the same money spent)

Of course some people do, but if you do then you have to tell your DP exactly what you need and want, because it's not obvious to everyone.

Doilooklikeatourist · 27/12/2011 18:51

I know I'm lucky , and a bit bratty , but I just wanted him to buy me something that he thought of for himself . He kept saying I don't know what to get you .
How many times do I have to say .
Oooh I'm running out of face cream !

Which earrings shall I wear today ?
This jumpers looking a bit tatty .
He got me earrings , face cream and some lovely soap , but I had to have a tantrum and nearly cry spoilt ? Me ?

runningwilde · 27/12/2011 19:06

Do what I do... Take his card, buy the gifts you want, he wraps them - everyone is happy!

jen127 · 27/12/2011 19:13

Op I am with you it is the lack of thought! I sent Ds a list with links 4 items not greedy and when I saw them on offer I would tell him and order them on his behalf and he would pay me! So I got two items ordered by me ! I got two sets of underwear both the same , bought at the same time, both wrong sizes ! List contained sizes

Then he dropped the bombshell that the portaloo he wanted to buy me for camping was out of stock ! I hate camping !

I have tried the list and just reckon he just doesn't give a shit ! No effort at all ! It is not about the present or cost but the thought and with my Dh there is none ! At least he kept the receipts

DitaVonCheese · 27/12/2011 20:38

Before DH and I got married, we did a marriage course and learned about the five languages of love. The theory is that people express their love in different ways but they can generally be categorised in one of five ways: words, touch, actions, time, or gifts. If you each demonstrate your love in different ways then you might not pick up on it so resentment can build up - one example on the course was a couple who bought a house together. He wanted to show that he loved her by making the house beautiful, so spent all his time doing DIY, whereas she just wanted to spend time with him, so felt neglected and resentful.

Could it be OP that you express your love through carefully thought out gifts but your DH expresses his some other way? There are assessments on the site which you can both do to see which is your prime language - might be worth doing.

itsxmascryingagain · 27/12/2011 20:41

I got given a pressure cooker by my now ex husband.......

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 27/12/2011 20:44

All my family, and his, and indeed me are far from impressed with my DP's efforts this year.

He got a Kindle from me...I got...a cheap teddy from Clinton Cards that I know he put very little effort into getting. Thats the bit the hurts the lack of thought.

With my DP though his family are saying it all for me, he whips out his Kindle and they asked "oh is that your Christmas present what did you get for CustardsHardhat?" with his response of "a teddy" being met with a universal "oh" and a sympathetic look and roll of the eyes in my direction.

This is the man who bought me airfix one year for my birthday....

AppleHEAD · 27/12/2011 20:48

I got nothing... NOTHING as in not anything

Katisha · 27/12/2011 20:52

Is that normal AppleHEAD? Is it the "I'm too busy at work to have to think about your present" type of thing?

Gay40 · 27/12/2011 21:03

It's a piss poor collection of very sad excuses for your lazy partners, in my opinion.

mrsmaltesers · 27/12/2011 21:14

My dh would have no idea what to get me even if i told him to start thinking about 2012 christmas now.
He also used to get me chocolates when i was 17 stone!!!!
Now i give him a detaied list, his idea, or just say donlt bother. I,d sooner he remembered to turn the lights off when he leaves a room/wet towels on the bed no more/talk to the children NOT like he is their godfather etc etc. Am ranting. Ignore me.

Yanbu, was what i meant ti say...

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 27/12/2011 21:18

YANBU, Grounds for divorce, surely

ReindeerBollocks · 27/12/2011 21:23

My DH is upset that the present he got me didn't fit.

I told him repeatedly that I need underwear and perfume.

So he goes and buys an expensive bracelet - he should know that I have child sized wrists and bracelets never fit. But he forgot and the silly bugger was upset because I couldn't wear said bracelet on Christmas day.

I have 14 days to return it and get what I really want - except I have to go to the jeffing trafford centre to do so. Bollocks.

AppleHEAD · 27/12/2011 22:36

Katisha yes and after 15 years it still makes me sad! He is lovely but having nothing to open is horrible.

Chynah · 27/12/2011 23:31

Couldn't care less about presents so me and DH dont really do christmas/birthdays for each other. He did get me a couple of good books though.

Katisha · 27/12/2011 23:47

Applehead - yes I know...

I still don't get how they can think this is anything other than deliberately hurtful.

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