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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my mother for being a completely disinterested grandparent

15 replies

benne81 · 27/12/2011 08:50

I'm not sure if I am being a tad sensitive. My mother has always been slightly odd not your usual mumsy mum, quite feminist, assertive and generally set in her ways, she lives alone.

Anyway I have a 3 month old son and this Xmas we spent 2 days with mum before travelling up to my pil to spend Xmas with them. On the full day that we had with my mum she had booked a haircut and said she couldn't leave the house as she had to cook a ham to take to my sisters ( which she could have done the day before). So we had to go out on our own even though we had travelled 200 miles to see her.

The following morning was Xmas eve and she was driving to my sisters and was obviously worried about traffic on the journey but she made us feel very unwelcome and rushed us out of the house before I could even feed my ds. I know that she has no understanding of how she comes across and how rude it felt but it was still quite upsetting.

Then for my DS first Xmas she put £20 in a card. She told me she was going to give us some money for his bank account but I thought that she might just get a little token gift aswell. I know I sound very spolit but it just seems so unthoughtful. Also in contrast to my pil who are at completely the other end of the spectrum it just seems to highlight the disparity. Everyone keeps on asking if my mother is excited about her first grandson and I smile and say yes but I really don't feel that she is and a wonder why not.

What do you think I'm I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

callmemrs · 27/12/2011 08:56

I think you're being a little oversensitive and feeling the problem is worse than it is because your pil are the other end Of the spectrum.
Why did you 'have' to go out on the full day with your mum? I can't see that her saying she needed to be at home was a problem. I'm sure in between cooking the ham and her haircut she would have been chatting and interacting with you

Thread recently complained about the grandparents going out when the op came to stay. Your mum was staying in! Seems grandparents can't win sometimes.

Also from what you say she was never a mumsy type so why would this change just because she's a granny? Some people are naturally gushy over small babies and some aren't- but I don't think you should use this as a measure of her love or interest.

Original poster

benne81 · 27/12/2011 09:04

She has a very small house that she lives in alone. It would have been a bit too much to stay in such a small space three adults and a baby all day. Maybe we should have stayed in with her but I think we would have ended up on top of each other and it causing tension. She also has no tv (not that we would want to watch tv all day) but it is a bit boring to stay in the house all day. Ps she also went to bed at 8pm every night.

Your right I probably am over sensitive, she is just vey set in her ways and will never be mumsy, just a shame really.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 27/12/2011 09:06

I think rushing you out the next day was a bit off but maybe she really was worried about the journey/being late. Is there a bit of sibling rival.y going on between you and your sister? Your mum sounds like she might be one of those grandparents who come into their own once the child is older tbh- maybe she's just not into babies?

Newtothisstuff · 27/12/2011 09:19

I don't think you are being over sensitive !! It's not too much to ask for your mum to make you feel welcome for one visit ! A visit that's probably taken you 200 miles to get there with a small baby..
My mum is exactly the same.. I live 250 miles away from her in 11 years she's been to visit twice.. When I take my 5 year old DD up there she will say I'm not in in the morning I'm going to the gym and then she will go out for 3 hours there leaving us at home or she will go out with her friends.. Yeah I'm not expecting her to stop her life but a bit of effort would go a miss.. As with you my Inlaws are amazing.. They arnt even my 5 year olds real grandparents but they make a million times more effort
YANBU !!

sunnydelight · 27/12/2011 09:24

So you went to see her but expected her to change her plans and and go out with you for the day because you thought it was too boring to stay in and spend time with her, and now you're complaining because she didn't buy your baby a present as well as giving him money? I know who I think is rude and it isn't your mum.

Rosebud05 · 27/12/2011 09:30

YANBU, though you're lucky that your PIL are the other end of the spectrum.

I invited my mother to visit before, during or after Xmas, or said that we could go to visit her on Boxing Day (about 100 miles away).

She didn't want to. My two are her only grandchildren.

Neither grandfather has any interest in their grandchildren ie no acknowledgement that they were born, have never met them.

Other grandmother pretty good, though doesn't like travelling and has 2 large dogs so staying there is stressful (300 miles away).

They also have an uncle who can't relate to children and an aunt who lives in Australia.

That's just how it is. I'd really, really like better extended family relationships for my children but it's out of my control.

Triggles · 27/12/2011 09:31

Personally, when our GC come to visit, we'd much rather stay in and spend time with them (and our children) rather than going out, unless there are specific plans for an outing somewhere (such as zoo or park). As far as cooking the ham and getting her haircut, well, these things do still have to be done. I would have been annoyed if my DD got all precious about me having to bung a ham in the oven or a simple haircut - appointments for haircuts around Christmas can be difficult to get so perhaps that's the only time she could get it?

I do think you're being oversensitive, and yes, it's possibly because your PILs are on the "other end of the spectrum." If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have given your child a gift at all, or spent any time with you both before Christmas.

She did tell you she was giving you money for the baby, so I am a bit puzzled why this upsets you. You ASSUMED she would buy a separate gift, and when she didn't then you got upset. A bit childish, really. She was not being "unthoughtful" .. you, however, are being rather thoughtless and rude. You don't mention her finances, so obviously it's unclear whether or not money is an issue, but honestly, how much stuff does a 3 month old really need?!?

I can understand her being rushed if she's worried about the traffic. Perhaps the two of you could have coordinated a bit better as far as when you were leaving and when you would feed your DC.

I get the impression from your post that you expected your mum to basically fawn all over you the new mummy and your baby, and that you were a bit offended when she simply acted normally. It's interesting that you say she's always been like this, however, you're now upset and offended that she's behaving the way she always has. YABU to expect her to change. She's not being rude, after all, she obviously does things differently to you, which is fine. Learn to adapt, it's a skill you're going to need with children.

carabos · 27/12/2011 09:35

triggles excellent post. Says it all really.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2011 10:37

I adore my GC and can't see them enough.
That's me. Even though I wasn't a 'mumsy' mum at all.
However, just because you decided to have children it doesn't follow that your mum has to turn into the perfect gran and you have no right to expect it.
You go and stay and get humpy because you decide you want to go out even though it wasn't convenient for her. You then moan because she went out to get a haircut when you want to stay in.
And if she had a journey on Christmas Eve then I can understand why she was worried - although you should have been able to feed your dc.
You are expecting her to turn into the sort of grandparent you think she should be - why? You make your own family decisions without consulting her - leave her be!

OhBuggerandArse · 27/12/2011 10:51

Ahem. Uninterested, not disinterested.

ComposHat · 27/12/2011 11:34

YABU I'm afraid, but I can see why.But remember that you chose to be a mother, she didn't chose to be a Grandmother.

You've carried and given birth to this wonderful thing that has changed your life and naturally you think it is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is a hard lesson to learn, but not everyone will be as enamoured with your child as you are and that includes your mum. I'm guessing your mum has made it clear in the past that she isn't exactly bowled over by small children? Did a tiny part of you, despite knowing this, think that she'd take one look at her grandchild and melt, instantly becoming the knitting, child-daft type of Granny? It was never really going to happen.

If it is any consolation my mother sounds exactly the same, she isn't fussed by small children in any way shape or form. Her attitude is that she did her time child rearing 30 years ago and is buggered if she is going to spend her retirement doing the same. To spend 24 hours cooing over a child would be her worst nightmare. From my experience she can do about an two hours max before she needs to get out.

Be grateful that your in-laws are kiddie-daft, but by the same token I have a feeling that by the time your kids hit puberty they will find all that a bit smothering. I have an inkling that it is then they will come to value their relationship with your mum, as an independent, interesting and level headed person in her own right and not just 'granny.'

spiderpig8 · 27/12/2011 11:37

Well probably visting on the 23rd and 24th December were not the best two days to choose.everyone is run off their feet then!!
She will probably become more interested as your child gets older.3 month old babies (except your own) aren't really interesting are they?

edam · 27/12/2011 11:40

Your Mother does sound rather insensitive and of course you are sensitive about it having a three month old baby - I burst into tears over far less when ds was at that stage. But fortunately your boy won't realise. At least she gave money you can use to get him something nice or stick an account, not an hilariously inappropriate present (my MIL, bless her, has several time bought ds clothes that are about two years too old for him...).

Btw, OhBugger's right, disinterested means 'impartial' (apols. for being unable to resist pedantry).

edam · 27/12/2011 11:44

(At least it wasn't an Oxfam goat - see ANother thread about a Grandad buying these for a 4yo and 6yo...)

forehead · 27/12/2011 11:57

Your mother will probably develop a better relationship with your dc when the child is a bit older.
My dmother, didn't really start to enjoy my dc's until they were older and developed a personality. Your mother is probably the same.
My dc's adore my mother and love spending time with her. She is the 'fun' grandma, because she actually has her own life, which does not revolve around her dc's or gc's, this does not mean that she does not love us all.

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