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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why MIL wrote a for DP and a separate christmas card for me and my DS??

24 replies

TheDetective · 26/12/2011 12:16

As per the title :) partners mum gave us two Christmas cards yesterday, one for DP and one for me and DS (DP is not his dad). AIBU to take a slight offence to this and wonder if she doesn't see us as a family? My mum wouldn't do this, and I've never done it to anyone else...:/ I'm not severely pissed off or anything, just made me feel a little sad inside for reasons I can't explain!!!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 12:18

How long have you been together? Do you live together?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2011 12:20

Perhaps she does see your relationship as 'transient' whereas the one she has with her son never will be? One of my brothers refers to every girlfriend he has as 'his missus', immediately. It grates, he does it all the time. It implies permanence and it's nothing of the sort. How long have you been with your partner? Perhaps there's a point in the future whereby your partner's mum will automatically see you as a 'fixture'.

Your partner's mum acknowledged you and your DS, she just doesn't see you as 'family', that's all. Try not to be offended.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 12:23

Did his card have money in it?

SemperUbiSubUbi · 26/12/2011 12:25

Is this your first christmas together?

Did she by him a son card?

Original poster

TheDetective · 26/12/2011 12:30

Been together over 2 years, living together for 18 months. She will have to sort it out for next year because we've just started to TTC and were going to get married soon! And no, no money in the card.

OP posts:

Rollersara · 26/12/2011 12:37

I've been With DP for 5 years, lived together for 4. Am now 32 weeks pg and my mum said, "I suppose we should send one card to you both now as it seems to be permanent!" Strange thing is I hadn't noticed before that she sends us one each...

BobbinRobin · 26/12/2011 12:40

I think it's a bit rude to behave as if your relationship is somehow 'impermanent' if you are living together.

Probably just a generational thing though, she'll hopefully get over it at some point.

Original poster

TheDetective · 26/12/2011 12:45

I dint think I'd of noticed as much if it was one to each of us. It was more the fact that one card said 'Mr Detective' and the other to 'TheDetective and littleDetective' IYSWIM. Made it stand out and much more obvious.

OP posts:

BobbinRobin · 26/12/2011 12:48

Are you the first person he has lived with? Maybe she has just got used to giving previous girlfriends/partners a separate card in the past, and hasn't got her head round the fact that living together is a bit different.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 26/12/2011 12:48

Very rude. And deliberatly so, imo.

Merry christmas to my son

oh, and to his girlfriend and her son.

It is not the action of someone who thinks of you as a family unit, imo.

Perhaps her attitude will change if you marry or when the baby is born. (not that you should have to wait for either of those events to be seen as a family when you share a home and a life together!)

RustyBear · 26/12/2011 12:51

Which 'generation' are you referring to bobbin? Given that the OP hasn't actually said how old her partner's mum is?

Original poster

TheDetective · 26/12/2011 12:52

I'm his first long term partner. He had one girlfriend in the past, when he still lived at home. I thought she was beginning to see us as a long term relationship, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. Seems I was wrong!

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 26/12/2011 12:53

Was his one a "son" card or were they both generic Christmas cards? Some people seem to feel obliged to buy cards labelled for what ever relatives the card manufacturers make them for, so if there is a "son" card she may have wanted to get that and they almost certainly don't do a "son, partner and her son" card, if that is how she sees you. Or if they were attached as labels to presents it would seem reasonable, though this doesn't sound like it. If they were generic cards then she really needs to sort this out in her head.

Original poster

TheDetective · 26/12/2011 13:02

Yes his was to son and ours was just a normal card.

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 26/12/2011 13:04

In that case I would relax about it as she is probably just the type of person who would have bought a "hairdresser's dog" card if they made them.

BobbinRobin · 26/12/2011 13:05

RustyBear - fair point, generational maybe not the right word, though age can be a factor in 'old fashioned' attitudes to do with live in relationships (if indeed this is her problem). Could be religious reasons or anything though.

Or just general not getting her head round the fact that her little boy is in a grown-up relationship!

tribpot · 26/12/2011 13:13

Oh well if she does the whole 'son' card thing, I don't think she meant any harm by it. I think breatheslowly is right, just weirdness induced by buying the 'to my ' cards.

TheMonster · 26/12/2011 13:26

It's rude and inconsiderate of her.
My FIL and his wife can beat it though! They send a card for DS every year. They send a card to DP too. No mention of me in either.
We've been together six years.

OooohShiny · 26/12/2011 13:31

I know where you're coming from...kinda

Similar but slightly different...my DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 5...my MIL sends one card and inside writes "to Mr Shiny from mum" & "to Mrs Shiny from 'her first name'".

It used to hurt a bit and upset me but now I just feel puzzled why she does it and I kind of thought when we got married she would change it to 'mum' for both of us which is what my parents did (they are same generation)

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2011 13:31

I thought perhaps it was a feminist issue and she see you as a person in your own right and should be treated equally, your dc is still a child and not adult

coronet · 26/12/2011 13:44

oohshiny i'd find it very odd and excluding if MIL signed cards to me and dh 'from mum'. I guess the only answer is to chill out about the way other people do cards.

eurycantha · 26/12/2011 14:13

I think that you are ok if it was a Dear son card,my mum always buys a son card for my brothers and their partners often get a separate card[She gets on very well with their partners]

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 26/12/2011 16:55

Just put the cards in the bin and laugh about how horrid she is.
This is what I did with my horrible sil card when it arrived ha ha ha x

Catsmamma · 26/12/2011 16:59

my mum used to send separate cards purely cos she felt weird signing "Mum" for dh, his card would have her and dad's names in instead

now she has given that up, so that a card is sent to us both but signed from Mum (for me) her name (for dh) and nanny (for the children)

ffs

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