AIBU to not to tell him our marital status yet??

[citruslemon]

I left my partner last year as he was making my life so difficult (domestic violence). I walked away from everything including my personal belongings and all the money I'd invested in our house. The peace of mind that I got from escaping him was worth more than material goods. However as we have a child together I think that he is worried that I will claim maintenance from him and make a claim on the house - I have no intention of doing either and have let him take DD to stay with him for weekends and holidays and let them speak on the phone every day.

He has now sent me divorce papers and is using legal aid - claiming that he is unemployed when he is in fact employed. He is also claiming 'maintenance pending suit'. There are lies and lies throughout the divorce papers about me not letting him have contact. And it hurts me that I've let him have contact and sent him regular photos of her and yet he has gone to a solicitor making up lies.

But....neither him and his solicitor seem to have worked out that we are not in fact married. We had a religious ceremony but never had a legal ceremony. Our marriage is unregistered and I have contacted the registry office myself and got a solicitor to check for me.

From the tone of the solicitors letter it seemed like they want me to give him maintenance because I am earning - ironically he has the house and my car and everything I earn. However as we are unmarried there is no obligation on me to financially help him.

I bet he is rubbing his hands in glee thinking about the money he can get from me. What disgusts me is that I never spend money on myself and that everything I earn I spend or save for DD. I have paid for everything for her since the day she was born - even when I was living with her dad. So any money that he gets from me, is money that he is depriving his child of. And it's not like I earn a great deal - I am on 14K!

So I am thinking that I shall I keep his solicitors and him hanging on until after the holidays that actually we are not married therefore he cannot squeeze money out of me and our daughter??

A dull answer but I think you should do whatever your solicitor advises. If they say it is up to you and that a delay won't cause you harm then I don't see why you shouldn't wait until the New Year, I don't imagine there would be much communication over the holiday season anyway.

Are you in the UK?

Did you never discuss the fact that you weren't legally married whilst together?!

What sort of "religious" ceremony was it, that makes him think you were married?

Sounds odd.

I know you don't want anything to do with this guy, but not seeking a share to the house, if you are entitled to it is mad! This is not about safeguarding YOUR life, this is about your DD.

Get a second opinion, tell a solicitor all this, go to the CAB even, and don't let him stiff you out of your share.

it maybe the wine speaking, but i think he has emotinally abuse you.......and he still has the same effect on you.

also why is it not legal, as a church of the Church of England, Church in Wales, Church of Ireland, Presbyterian or Roman Catholic Church in N. Ireland...is classed as a marrage, not just a registery office

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_family/family_index_ew/getting_married.htm

1. I would call whatever body is responsible for legal aid and check out eligibility requirements. Chances are either you qualify for it too or your ex partner needs to be cut off. You can definitely 'tell on him' so to speak!

1. If he is not honestly qualifying for legal aid I would certainly not tell his solicitor anything about your unregistered marriage in a hurry. You will find guilty ex partners become quite compliant when their legal bill escalates and it looks like they might not be getting their own way... (for once!)

1. As an ex-de-facto couple you will have to draw up something official though due to the shared property and DD. Speak with your solicitor and see what they advise RE mentioning the domestic violence in any proceedings. If you have no willing witnesses, police reports, hospital/doctors records of anything it may not be possible to prove anything.

1. As main carer and resident parent you are entitled to a greater share of the house, if not the right to occupy it. It is in your DD's best interests to do so. If you fear for your safety living there, contact the police. Once he has been established as a threat they may take preventative measures such as installing emergency buttons in case of an intrusion.

1. As many, many women on this forum can tell you, ex-partners can be incredibly difficult and avoidant in paying maintenance for their children. By all means pursue maintenance but bear in mind it is not always so secure a means of providing for a child as the security a house provides. Ignore his empty threats. You earn far too little and care for your child. You would never, ever be ordered to pay spousal maintenance to him!

I wish you all the best and hope you will fight for what you deserve.

Hi, I'm a family lawyer and suggest that you post over in Legal if you need to know about your long term prospects, but would like to point out the following:

1. Before the divorce petition can be issued, your ex's solicitors will have to obtain a copy of the marriage certificate. If there isn't one, then they'll obviously realise that you aren't married. I'm assuming the religious ceremony took place in the UK. If you were "married" abroad then the law is slightly less straightforward; the UK court will recognise a foreign marriage if it is considered legal in that country.

1. It is standard practice to include in the Prayer part of the petition everything the petitioner could possibly apply for, even though often there is no intention to do so. So the Prayer on your ex's petition probably includes claims for maintenance pending suit, periodical payments, lump sum, property adjustment orders and a pension sharing order. It's unlikely that he will actually make any such claim, but the solicitors have to leave all claims open just in case you were, for example, suddenly to win the lottery before the decree absolute.

1. Kidnap is wrong to say that you have an automatic right to more than half the house. If you are unmarried and hold it as joint tenants in equal shares you will have an uphill struggle to get more than half of the equity.

1. Assuming that the "marriage" is not recognisable under UK law and that therefore you are unmarried, you have no right to maintenance or a pension sharing order, but of course your dc are entitled to child maintenance.

1. You should, via a family lawyer, negotiate the terms of a separation deed, which is a legally binding contract covering all financial matters and it can also cover the arrangements for contact. It isn't as watertight as a consent order which can only be made within divorce proceedings, but if properly drawn up and if you both take legal advice and provide full disclosure, it will be enforceable.

1. You can check whether you're eligible for public funding (legal aid) on the legal services commission website. Go to the eligibility calculator for legal help. It only takes a couple of minutes and once you know whether you're eligible, you can find a specialist family lawyer on the website www.resolution.org.uk