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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not forgive?

17 replies

A1980 · 25/12/2011 20:25

This is kind of long, sorry.

My sister and I fell out a long time ago: 3-4 years ago to be precise. Our realtionship was always difficult, right from childhood. She was always a terrible bully and that persisted right through the teenage years.

She's always been the type of person who uses herself for the guideline of perfection and anything that isn't like her is rubbish. For example, when she was anorexic and very thin as a teenager, I was disgusting and fat and she teased me. When she got over her anorexia and put on tons of weight, she got very very fat. I grew tall and slim and she said that thin people were not womanly and she was glad of her curves and i was far too skinny and an unattractive stick insect. When we became adults, i ended up heavier than her and a few pounds over weight, while she half starves herself again and now fat people are disgusiting again and she teased me about my weight.

She's also the type of person who will ionly be interested in me when I'm down. She will not want to hear anything potisive about me and will ignore it. But it is ok for her to do well and she seeks constant praise for every thing she does, which isn't much tbh. She barely works, has no children and lives off her husbands money.

We had a huge falling out a few years ago, she didn't invite me to her wedding, called me a fat pig and I'd spoil it by even being there looking fat, and taunted and teased me for being single saying no one wanted me, I'd always be alone and when our parents died, she wouldn't bother with me and I'd have no one. We didn't speak for 3 years, she stopped sending cards for birthday and xmas and so I just let it go.

I don't know what's changed this year but she sent a christmas card and present for the first time in well over 3 years. I send a card back but left it at that.

My paretns have spoken to her and found that the vile language and insults she uses to me, also get said to her husband who never swears at her. He wants children, she really doesn't and is over 35 now. She is worried they may not be together long term now.

AIBU to not give a shit and deem it poetic justice? Or should I be the bigger person? I see it as her only getting in touch when things aren't good for her and she's still a user.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/12/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theincredibequeenofwands · 25/12/2011 20:29

Nah, fuck her, she sounds like a right nob!

Just leave it, she's obviously not changed.

Geordieminx · 25/12/2011 20:29

I'd steer well clear. She sounds like a complete fucking nightmare, and will bring you nothing but hurt and sadness.

You are well rid if you ask me.

RandomMess · 25/12/2011 20:30

There is a difference between forgiving and resuming a relationship.

Not forgiving onlly hurts yourself. Not resuming a relationship with her seems fairly sensible having read what she is like!

troisgarcons · 25/12/2011 20:33

You've all but terminated the relationship. Life is just too short to harbour grudges. It will poison you slowly. Forgive her, because you are the better person - BUT That doesnt mean you have to continue with the relationship and see her.

So, my advice, sad as it is, some people are so unhappy in themselves that they have a constant need to put others down to bolster their own sense of worth.

You clearly don't. So forgive her. Just don't bother with her again.

Original poster

A1980 · 25/12/2011 20:33

I havent' forgiven but I've gotten to the indifference stage which means I no longer really care. I'm worried about upsetting that apple cart by having anythin to do with her ever again.

By the same token, if we don't make up and she is genuinely hnding an olive branch, what if I ever need anyone in the future. We all have long lives to live.....

OP posts:

Original poster

A1980 · 25/12/2011 20:34

You've all but terminated the relationship

Not true, she did. She cut me out and stopped sending cards.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 25/12/2011 20:36

You is also plural as well as singular.

YOU (Both) no longer have a relationship.

Original poster

A1980 · 25/12/2011 20:39

^ Of course that's waht you meant! I'm so dense sometimes.

OP posts:

Jacksmania · 25/12/2011 20:39

Yes, we do all have long lives to live. But we don't need to keep people in our lives because of "what ifs". She's apparently changed right now. What if she changes back? What if you make an effort even though her actions have burned all the love for her out of your heart, and she ends up letting you down and hurting you again?

What if, what if, what ifs. You can't build your life on them.

What if you ever need something? What if, if you do, she tells you to bog off? Then what?

Go with what your heart tells you. If you're indifferent, you won't be able to fake feelings and interest.

I say this as someone who's not had contact with a vile sister for 6 years now. I don't care about what ifs.

If I ever need anything, I hope I've created enough love in my life and have people around who'll help because they want to and that I'm not dependent on a toxic relative.

I don't meant sound like a sanctimonious arse, BTW. I think I know how you feel. But whom we're related to is an accident of birth, that's all. You are not required to love someone who's never done anything but hurt you.

RandomMess · 25/12/2011 20:42

Another option is to have a relationship with her on your terms. When anything unpleasant slips out of her mouth pick her up on it etc

I'm not one of those blood is thicker than water believers, it's really down to what you want and what decisions you want to live with.

wheredidiputit · 25/12/2011 21:24

Is she only getting contact with you because her life is falling apart so she needs some to kick i.e you. As this is the way she always behaves.

Crabapple99 · 25/12/2011 23:13

YABU to expect someone with anorexia not to be devious and manipulitive. It sounds like a lot of her behaviour may be caused by this illness, and outside her control, also it may be that she will never be any different. Forgive, maybe, if you feel you want to, but protect yourself from any further hurt. Think of her as a cat which can't help scratching your face... dont hold it againsther, but don't let her anywhere near close enought to harm you.

fallenpetal · 25/12/2011 23:33

If she were not related to you would you even consider bothering? Would you even give her a second thought if she were say some one from middle school?

Life is far far to short to have such negativity around you, forgive her actions by all means but do not give her permission to start being to obviously abhorrent to you!

In my experience olive branches are non existent where as people looking for a proverbial punch bag or free lunch are all too common. I'd forgive then run away screaming!

happyAvocado · 25/12/2011 23:44

I am not sure about that mantra about forgiveness.

We can only accept the other person as they are. They might have changed or just calmed down.
Or addressed their mental issues and are easier to be around.

runningwilde · 25/12/2011 23:46

I like the cat comparison from crabapple!

Do not let this toxic person back in your life. She will only bring you pain

Fuck her!

minitoot · 25/12/2011 23:57

She sounds really insecure and unhappy, which is sad, but not your problem. If you've got to the indifference stage anyway, I think it's okay to let this relationship go. It won't do either of you any good to keep on letting her bully you. If one day she apologises, that's a different matter, but for now I would just let her slip out of your life.

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