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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling sad about DHs reaction to PG test

16 replies

JoandMax · 24/12/2011 10:05

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm having a cry over my DHs reaction to a pregnancy test I took earlier.

We have two lovely boys - 3.5 yo and 21 months. DS2 was very poorly as a baby, lots of hospital time, NG tube for ages etc. He is now so well, still have a way to go on feeding and sleeping but nothing more serious than that. It was a very difficult time, no family close by, DH works away a lot so exhausting really.

We had always wanted a 3rd but after all the stress DH was adamant he wanted no more, I stupidly thought he'd change his mind after things settled down and maybe in a couple of years we would try again (I'm only 30 so loads of time).

Anyway, I had a scare so did a test and it was negative. I felt a bit odd but DH was over the moon, jumping up an down and saying 'thank god for that, would of ruined everything' etc etc. I just think it made me realise how utterly made up his mind is to wanting no more and I feel sad and weepy and crap. We talked about it afterwards and he is completely sure this is it, he is sorry but he just can't face going through it again. He wants to go to the doctors soon to discuss having a vasectomy.

I know I'm lucky, I have wonderful children and we're so fortunate DS2 has done so well but I really thought we'd do it again......

I'm being unreasonable and selfish aren't I?

OP posts:

MrsOzz · 24/12/2011 10:10

YABU to want another child. But YABU unreasonable to expect your husband to agree with you.

Clearly his reaction hurt because you are both wanting different things. But he had made his feelings clear from the birth of DS2 and his feelings have remained consistent.

So I don't think has done anything wrong by deciding what he wants his future to be like, sharing this with you and making sure you know this. Presumabley you talked about having a third child or not as to whether you use contraception?

Is it recently you have become more certain for a third child? Or has it always been that way? He may come round to your way of thinking, but you need to let him make that decision for himself.

MrsOzz · 24/12/2011 10:11

That's should say you are NOT being unreasonable to want another child!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2011 10:12

I can understand why you're sad, OP. I think your DH is making a 'point'. He's telling you that there are to be no more children and he's not being very tactful or considerate about it. It's like he's 'won' - that's how he's making it appear - and that's not very nice, even if he is deeply relieved.

Take the 'jumping around' as the overreaction it is, he's obviously relieved but he really doesn't want more children and the vasectomy will demonstrate his feeilngs on that.

I feel very sorry for you; it's hard when one partner wants one thing and the other partner, another. You're not being unreasonable or selfish - the heart wants what it wants. Take some time to recover from your feelings of loss of a third child and perhaps tell your husband that whilst you will come to terms with it, it's hard for you and a little tenderness and consideration towards you would not be unwelcome.

MrsOzz · 24/12/2011 10:14

Also no, you are not being selfish to have the desire for a third baby.

You would be very selfish to get pregnant despite your husband's current feelings.

Put him off the idea of a vasectomy ecause that could really muck up plans in a few years time! But show him you are being very sensible with contraception so he trusts you. Maybe with a semi-permemnant type like the injection of the mirena coil. Tht way he would know you are respecting his feelings.

He may also relax and decide he does want a third child after all in the near future.

Bunbaker · 24/12/2011 10:17

Neither of you is being unreasonable. That's the problem. I can totally understand your husband's lack of enthusiasm for another baby given what you have been through with your youngest child as I have been there myself. He simply doesn't want to risk the heartache and worry of another sick baby. I couldn't have more than one child so I think you are lucky that you have two and that your youngest is on the road to recovery.

Debs75 · 24/12/2011 10:18

Have you spoken to him about how much you want another child?
It is hard when 1 partner wants kids and the other doesn't. 1 will always 'win'

How about letting him know how you feel about the vasectomy and maybe ask him to put off having it done for 1 year. The snip is so final, although it doesn't always work, and if you are not 100% on board then it will put a huge strain on your marriage.

and please tell him that his cheering like he had won the lottery really hurt you and made him look a bit of a prat. If he can understand how you feel about not adding to your family he may behave better in future

Original poster

JoandMax · 24/12/2011 10:21

I have always been certain over a 3rd, we both were after DS1 but obviously things changed massively after DS2! And I completely understand his reasons and I don't blame him at all, it just hurt to realise quite how much he was against it.

I am on the pill, I would never even consider tricking him, no way I could do that or bring a baby into our lives knowing he really doesn't want them.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 24/12/2011 10:21

Relief is understandable after being through the stress and worry of a poorly baby. I'm sure if the test were +ve he would have been very happy indeed.

xyfactor · 24/12/2011 10:21

It's completely unreasonable to have a child with someone who doesn't want one.
That's about it really.

Original poster

JoandMax · 24/12/2011 10:24

You're all right, I need to get him to realise that a bit of and understanding is what I need while I sort my feelings out

OP posts:

Original poster

JoandMax · 24/12/2011 10:26

Trois - I think if it had been +ve he'd have been devastated, he would of supported me but been very unhappy about it

OP posts:

Fairytightsonmychristmastree · 24/12/2011 10:27

My 2 DC are older now 13 and 11 but I know exactly how you feel and its horrible.

I always hankered after a 3rd child but DH said no. I hoped he would change his mind in time but he never did.

I was in a very similar situation to you and thought there was a chance I could be pregnant when DC2 was 3yo. I did a home test that was negative and the next day my late over due period started. My DH reacted very OTT aswell. The words that cut me to the bone and made me realise DC3 was never going to happen, was when he said "Thank God for that, if you had been pregnant my life would have been over" And he kept repeating it in his relief.

All I can say is that I still sometimes get a little sad about it but am also happy with my lot and my 2 beautiful wonderful DC whom I adore. I think I may have been able to twist his arm about a year or so ago when he seemed to go through a brief kind of (male equivalent) broody phase when his best mate and brother both had their first DC. By then though our DC were 10 and almost 12 and I realised that a 3rd child now would not be as I envisaged as the 3rd DC would be very much detatched from older because of the age gap. My 2 DC are very close and another child would be welcomed but the family dynamics would change. When I envisaged a 3rd child, it was with a smaller age gap so all 3 would grow up together like my 2 have. What I am trying to say is that I have an acceptance.

I dont know what advice to give to be honest but just wanted you to know that I do know how you feel and the hurt felt by the careless comments of relief from your DH.

troisgarcons · 24/12/2011 10:32

Well, TBH, DH always wanted 3. I wasn't particularly happy having more than one. I managed to avoid the issue of no3 for a couple of years, but when he happened I was absolutely distraught. DH of course was over the moon.

I wouldnt swap him now though!

Original poster

JoandMax · 24/12/2011 10:34

Thank you Fairy, I feel much better knowing that feeling sad is ok. He has just come home with a big bunch of flowers for me so I'm guessing he realises I need a bit of tlc!

Right, time to snap out of it, eat some quality street and enjoy Christmas with my lovely family and be grateful for what I have

OP posts:

Original poster

JoandMax · 24/12/2011 10:38

That's good to know Trois, there's hope yet!

OP posts:

toddlerama · 24/12/2011 10:51

Don't know if this is at all helpful to post, but I had the exact same experience with DH (dd2 wasn't ill, but we had a stressful time for a number of reasons), and we are now happily pregnant with DC3 (DD2 is now 3 herself). He just needed a breather from the baby stage, some confidence that we would be ok financially, and then he was on board. I would have just gone for it regardless - I'm glad he held out til now.

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