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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am

24 replies

yawningmonster · 23/12/2011 21:56

We are going to dh's parents for xmas. DH and I have been married for 17 years. All of those 17 years I have had allergies and for the past 5 years DS has had allergies too. We do turn about xmas so this is the 9th year going to their place. Every year I have medicated myself and ds as they have a real tree which we are both allergic to. This is their family tradition and they have their own pine tree mini forest which they used to take the kids to cut down a tree every year to bring into the house and decorate. Every year DS and I react to the tree despite the medication and every year DH ends up carting the tree out of the house to give us both some relief. Just arrived home to a phone message asking if DC want to help cut down the tree this year or if they should go ahead and do it before we arrive. I am going to have to call and remind them that we are both allergic and can they please not have a real tree. I know I am being unreasonable it is their house and their tradition but it is miserable for both of us especially poor ds who can't even get his own presents from under the tree as his eyes get so sore from being that close to the tree. It is supposed to be hot this year so I am hoping maybe the children could open the presents outside to relieve ds if they don't agree to not having the tree.

OP posts:

WoodyAllenJesus · 23/12/2011 21:59

I don't understand - you will ask them not to have a real tree? Presumably you have asked the previous 8 times and they have still got one so why bother asking?

hellhasnofury · 23/12/2011 21:59

You have my sympathies. DD is allergic to Christmas trees too, no-one in our family has one now if they know she'll be visiting. Short of not visiting if a real tree is up I'm not sure what you can do.

runningwilde · 23/12/2011 22:00

Yanbu - you poor lady and your poor child x
They should know by now and could buy an artificial tree! It's not your fault you have allergies. It is very inconsiderate of them to 'forget'

You comfort and well being should be more important than a tree x

cheesesarnie · 23/12/2011 22:01

yabu.dont go

runningwilde · 23/12/2011 22:02

I think maybe you need to stop going to their house for Xmas as they are very inconsiderate x

WoodyAllenJesus · 23/12/2011 22:02

Do you openly 'suffer', I mean are your eyes all red and you're sneezing and snuffling and stuff?

Because if so then I can't believe they would happily sit there and let that happen I think I'd just not go if it was me, and tell them why! (obv too late for this year but for the future I mean)

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/12/2011 22:03

yes woody we ask every year and every year they "forget". Children love going to grandparents and they are otherwise lovely thoughtful people but I think it is a bit hard for them to accept that it is really the tree that we react to and give up their tradition. I love xmas at our place, no such worries.

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 22:03

It's DH's job to tell his patrents their fortune, not yours.

sunnyweather · 23/12/2011 22:04

Why don't they have a decorated real tree outside where it won't bother u and an artificial or no tree inside. They are b u - yanbu

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/12/2011 22:05

woody yes very obvious especially with ds but like I say I don't think they really accept it is the tree though you would think that when he recovers miraculously when dh carts the tree out it would give them a clue!

OP posts:

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/12/2011 22:06

sunny great idea, I hadn't considered that have often taken our fake tree to theirs but it is not been welcomed even slightly

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/12/2011 22:06

Phone them back and use it as an opportunity to remind them to leave it outside to be admired through the window!

4madboys · 23/12/2011 22:06

oh poor you op and your poor ds :( i have similar but my allergy is to pets which several family members have and its awful.

i think you should just say to them that if they have a real tree then you wont go as its not fair on your poor ds to suffer :(

DoMeDon · 23/12/2011 22:07

They don't 'forget'. Tell them 'No we will not help with the tree, DS and I are allergic. Actually I was hoping you might forego a real tree as you invited us over and you KNOW we are allergic.' If they say they are having a real tree then I wouldn't go. It's not on to medicate a child for no good reason - other than their own GP's are selfish.

WoodyAllenJesus · 23/12/2011 22:08

Agree it is up to your DH to tune them in to the situation - has he tried this? Very awkward for you to have to ring them and 'remind' them!

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/12/2011 23:45

we have to medicate anyway as they have the mini forest of pines and several farms nearby are bordered by pines also. Unfortunately for both ds and I we both tend to be medicated most days over the summer (in NZ) as there is no avoiding the allergens outside otherwise and he is a very outdoor boy. I am getting DH to call and suggest they set up outside and decorate for children to see through window, loving that idea and hoping it will be a compromise they can live with.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 24/12/2011 01:54

They're putting their family tradition over your and your DCs health and comfort?

Surely you'd only do that if you didn't want to see the person?

I could see a very small argument for people who treat their pets as children and don't want to boot out what they see as a family member because of an allergy of a relative, but a fucking tree??

Forgotten, my arse.

Catslikehats · 24/12/2011 04:15

Sometimes I am rendered speachless by the utter selfishness of some people.

How on earth can anyone think it is OK to put their tradition over the wellbeing of those they purport to love and care for?

It's a frickin tree. Your il's are behaving appallingly and your DH needs to tell them in no uncertain terms that they need to get rid of the tree if you are to spend christmas there.

Catslikehats · 24/12/2011 04:20

OP I am actually raging baout this on your behalf (hence second post )

I am picturing the happy christmas scene:

Beautiful tree, decked with ornaments, presents stacked underneath, granddad dishing out gifts to be opened by excited guests....

...and your poor poor DS with red nose and streaming eyes not being able to go near the tree

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 24/12/2011 04:40

7 years and the still 'forget' - bollocks. It sounds really miserable that you both have to suffer on Christmas day!

I would have dh ring and say you won't be going if they put a pretty tree before their grandchild.although he has had seven years to be firm and he should stand up for you two and make it clear this is unacceptable.

Original poster

yawningmonster · 24/12/2011 07:32

right dh has called and they were very "oh, really, yes, yes, of course, we forgot about that...shame dd has to miss cutting the tree though as she doesn't react (dd is 2 and I think the symbolism of cutting the tree is prob a bit over her head tbh!) I really do think that allergies are just so out of their experience pool that it just doesn't enter their heads to think about all the times we have arrived and tree has been up and had to be taken out with ds with red swollen eyes! They just automatically get excited that we are all coming and they want to relive their days as parents with young kids again and share all the things they really enjoyed. I don't think there is any putting the tree before the kids sort of thing I just think they honestly don't think. It makes the phone call to remind them even harder I think as they are trying to be kind and create special xmas memories, I would find it easier to get annoyed if I thought they were genuinely being selfish.

OP posts:

SageMistAndSnowflakes · 24/12/2011 07:54

Genuinely curious, but why do you subject yourself and one of your dc to this every year?
Just a thought but why don't you tell them that you aren't going because you are fed up with having to medicate yourselves just to get through the experience.

Original poster

yawningmonster · 24/12/2011 08:04

Sage it is every second year and we go because the children would be truly devasted not to go. Everything else about the visit is fantastic, they live on a farm and the children particularly ds love to go out and milk the goats and cows with Grandad, collect eggs, feed the animals, play and pick fruit in the orchard, pick wild berries, play on the tyre swing, explore everywhere etc. Boxing day marks the start of the Caroline Bay Carnival which we go to every year we are there for xmas and both the children now love and look forward to that. Like I say DH carts the tree outside and once the air is cleared we are both able to manage (though still need medication just because of the kind of environment it is with pines and hay around) I go because like I say I think they genuinely do their best and they are otherwise fantastic grandparents, and every year I give them the benefit of the doubt. I mostly started the thread because I was immediately annoyed by the phone message meaning they still hadn't "clicked" but it is all sorted now and we should be fine.

OP posts:

sunnyweather · 24/12/2011 12:34

So glad it is sorted- it sounds like a perfect Xmas in lots of other ways - enjoy x

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