Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only pop in to see bil rather than stay the day

18 replies

pingu2209 · 22/12/2011 15:08

The in laws live on the other side of the country to us. We moved away 3 1/2 years ago and see them once a year, at Christmas. We go to our old home town and stay in a hotel for 3-4 nights and do the 'rounds' of visits spending a day at each family home.

We are a family of 5 and all the hotels where we want to stay only have family rooms for 4. So last year we asked SIL in October if we could drop DS1 off with them for the 4 nights and the rest of us would stay in the hotel family room just round the corner.

However, last year when we turned up at 7pm after a 4 1/2 hour journey BIL suddenly overruled his wife and said that DS1 could not stay because DS got up at 7am and his children got up at 10am and BIL wanted to lie in with his children. It caused us massive problems because we had to get another room. It didn't help that I had flu and a very bad back at the time.

When we went to their house for the day, SIL said that she had had enough of catering and we were all going to go out for a meal at a pub. We paid for our family of 5 and they paid for their family. It cost us over £110.

They have come to stay with us twice in 3 1/2 years and always stay in our house, we squeeze in and use lilos and camp beds etc. I always cook for them and even on days out I make up a large pic nic etc.

I was really hurt that not only had they let us down over having DS1 but we had gone to the expense of fuel (at least £100) and accommodation (over £300) and yet they wouldn't cook for us. I felt it was rude to have family over for the day from the other side of the country and not cater for them. However, to say so is also rude ... so I said nothing.

My children and I have not seen BIL or SIL at all since last Christmas. Yet in October my SIL sent me an email saying that she didn't want to have anyone over this Christmas and would not be catering (she didn't last year anyway!).

2 weeks ago my BIL text my DH to ask when we were over and when we would be coming round. I showed DH the email from BIL's wife and suggested he text BIL back and ask whether us coming round would be okay with SIL. Eventually BIL text my DH back to say that SIL was very stressed out and has had lots of family issues, but BIL did not say anything about whether we were supposed to be coming round to see them for the day or not.

So I have gone ahead and booked up all the 3 days we are staying in our home town and left only the odd hour free in the morning - so basically we could only pop into see them between 9 and 10 just before we are off to someone else's house. So BIL will have to get up early!

AIBU?

OP posts:
FatGoose · 22/12/2011 15:10

how gracious of you to spare one hour in your incredibly hectic day

pinkhebe · 22/12/2011 15:10

no

Original poster
pingu2209 · 22/12/2011 15:12

Fat Goose - we are only there 3 days and since October my SIL has said she doesn't want to cater for us (or anyone). And last year they let us down really badly over my DS and expected us to go out and pay for a meal rather than cook a meal or even put on sandwiches.

OP posts:
pinkhebe · 22/12/2011 15:13

as in 'no you aren't BU'

SantasENormaSnob · 22/12/2011 15:13

After last year I am surprised you are bothering at all.

sue52 · 22/12/2011 15:13

Considering how badly they let you down, you are very forgiving to even consider spending any time with them. I hope it does not disturb your BIL's lie in.

ViviPrudolf · 22/12/2011 15:15

Regardless of whatever has gone on previously, as far as this year is concerned, they've been vague. Sounds as though your SiL would rather you didn't come at all, but just in case, you've still built into your plans the possibility of seeing them. So as far as I can see you've handled it the best could could have been expected to, given their poor communication.

Don't stress it, OP.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/12/2011 15:17

Do either you or DH want to see them? Because if not, don't bother with the hour. They really don't seem to want to see you. You've asked if it is ok to visit and they've not answered, but instead said they are stressed. That sounds like a NO to me.

Can you go, visit all the others, and if BIL or SIL gets in touch at any point asking you to visit, you can tell them which hour you've got free. If they don't get in touch then don't go.

And be wary of messages relayed through other family members - who are likely to be upset if you don't see BIL/SIL.

NatashaBee · 22/12/2011 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/12/2011 15:19

I think FatGoose may have genuinely meant what she typed - you do have a hectic schedule, they have treated you badly, and if you spare them an hour you would be being gracious!

ViviPrudolf · 22/12/2011 15:22

Things that annoy me, exhibit A:

ASKING A DIRECT QUESTION AND NOT GETTING A REPLY...

BiL: When do you think you'll be coming round?
Mr. Pingu: Well I'm not sure because SiL told Mrs. Pingu that she didn't want anyone over at Christmas... Given that, would our coming round actually be ok?

BiL: SIL is very stressed out and has had lots of family issues

Mr & Mrs Pingu --> Xmas Hmm.

Ok so perhaps Mr. & Mrs Pingu could have reiterated the question, but why should they? They've probably got a lot to organise with this trip and haven't got time to wait and see whether flaky SiL has decided if she is going to be hospitable or not.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 22/12/2011 16:09

Your SiL, for whatever reason, doesn't want you. She's making it as plain as she can without actually saying it to your face, because if she did that BiL would have to acknowledge that his wife has a problem with his brother and family. Just "get the message", don't go, don't mention it, and have a peaceful time.

girlywhirly · 22/12/2011 16:21

YANBU to offer the only time you have available during your visit to family. They can take it or leave it. I wouldn't bother frankly as they both sound like rubbish hosts and you would rather make the most of your time with people who you enjoy being with.

OldGreyWassailTest · 22/12/2011 16:29

Don't bother going at all would be my advice.

Ilovedaintynuts · 22/12/2011 16:36

I don't think they like you or your family. They couldn't make it plainer. Don't go.

mynewpassion · 22/12/2011 16:55

Why do it? They might just close the door in your face. Why put you and your kids through something like that?

Original poster
pingu2209 · 22/12/2011 19:21

Sorry I've been out for hours so haven't seen replies.

I do like them, as does my DH and DC. We would like to see them but don't want to force ourselves on them. I do think that they like us and want to see us but they want it on their terms only, which is to see us but not cater for us as they would rather go out for a meal.

I really believe BIL wants to see my DH (his brother) and for all the cousins to meet up and play. However, he wants for it to start at 11 at the earliest and for us to all eat out.

The problem with 11 is that in our minds (as we are up at 7) half a day is wasted as we can't see other people because we would need to leave at 10.30 to get to BIL, so we mill around a Premier Inn for hours waiting till they have all got up and dressed.

Also it is bloody rude. We only go back 'home' to see 3 families, of which BIL/SIL is one of them. We travel for hours, spending loads in fuel and accommodation; they should bloody well feed us and cater for us. It is once a year! AIBU?

This is not a financial issue, they are rolling in it. If I thought for a second it was because they couldn't afford to feed us, I would offer to bring the food round from a supermarket and we make up a cheap 'spread' buffet style.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 22/12/2011 19:24

Yanbu.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page