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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my dd1 a severe warning before she's really done anything wrong?

25 replies

Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:28

she is nearly 10. her sis is 7.5

her sis was vomiting all day on tuesday so all my carefully laid plans to doing the food shop while they were at my mum's have gone up in smoke.

yesterday we braved the garden centre in the afternoon to pick up a couple of bits. dd 1 was a real pain in the neck, pushing trolley round like a wild thing, nagging non stop for things, teasing her sister...

so now we need to do the food shop, and i have to take them both or leave it till tomorrow night/ xmas eve which would be stressful for other reasons (ie am not a last minute person, at all).

so... am AIBU to have given dd1 a very stern and (much crosser than planned ) warning about her behaviour on the shopping trip, before we've even left the house?? once i got talking to her, i just felt crosser and crosser in anticipation of the stress to come Blush

OP posts:
OldGreyWassailTest · 22/12/2011 09:31

You've given her the warning - but what are the consequences?

altinkum · 22/12/2011 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ballstoit · 22/12/2011 09:32

YANBU. Better for her to know exactly what you expect and what the consequences will be either way, than to behave like a goon and get a rollocking which could have been avoided.

May be good to pop in some rewards for good behaviour (I find these work well with DSS's (10&11))

Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:34

um.. i have just said that there will be a consequence and that she will miss out on something.

thats what i mean about getting crosser than planned! it started off as trying to get her on board, tean work etc and eneded up cross!

lol altinkum

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OriginalJamie · 22/12/2011 09:34

Well, I'd definitely warn her, and tell her what the consequences will be if she messes about. I have done this - and been very specific about what I want her to do, rather than what I don't want If this is a recurring problem and she manages to be good, I might reward with an unexpected little treat.

They sense fear though, so they play up more when we're stressed.

Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:35

i have said that they can each choose something yummy to go in the trolley, but that i expect co-operation

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OriginalJamie · 22/12/2011 09:35

I often get crosser than planned Grin

Rudolfsgottarednose · 22/12/2011 09:35

If you talked through how she behaved and addressed it at the time then no, she should be prewarned with a consequence that is fair and you will follow through on.

It is good that you are recognising your anger in anticipation, so that you are not being unfair to her. Perhaps question yourself before you pick up on any incidents to make sure that you are not veiwing the situation overly harsh.

Otherwise you are in danger of going into 'horrid Henry and perfect Peter' mode.

Make sure that you don't give into the nagging and try to stay calm. My DD went into the terrible teens at 11, but was out of them by 13. This is just another stage, it's how you handle it, that counts.

OriginalJamie · 22/12/2011 09:36

I think surprising with a reward is better than bribing at this age. But since you've already done it .... do not on any account give in and give them a treat of their behaviour is less than brilliant.

OriginalJamie · 22/12/2011 09:36

if

Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:38

i think i will spell out what helpfulness in a supermarket looks like Grin

need to think of a consequence...

maybe no tv for 24 hrs

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 22/12/2011 09:40

What about if you give them a little list each, and a basket, and they go off and get some of the stuff themselves? Would that work?

I have to admit I avoid supermarkets like the plague

LostVagueness · 22/12/2011 09:42

Don't worry yourself about it. They will have forgotten about your rant by 10:00 and you will be chasing them both around Tesco by lunchtime! The problem in my house is that the kids (DS 18months and DD 4yrs) are getting excited about Christmas and the grownups are getting stressed in the same measure. The kids don't understand why we are getting stressed and because the adults have a lower tollerance for the kids at the moment, we seem to be shouting at the poor kids every 5mins.
I've lost count of the number of times I've threatened to phone Santa and tell him to give one of DC's presents to the orphanage!
You'll get there, Keep calm and Carry on!

Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:43

you know what, on reflection, i think i wont now need the consequence after all.

she is a mature girl, who is very sorry when she's been badly behaved, then is often very helpful for a while, and can be very empathetic. but in moments of over excitement, she sometimes shows a very grasping side (usually when shopping). i think now that we have had a stern chat, she may be at the right point in her 'cycle of behaviour' to attempt the trip to the shops (ie she's trying to make up for the garden centre behaviour)

OP posts:
Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:44

thanks all.

i love the list idea. very child centred Grin

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Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 09:50

ok, deep breaths. am going... thanks everyone . feel calmer for my rant!

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SecretSantaSquirrels · 22/12/2011 09:58

For goodness sake shop online.
There was no home delivery when mine were young enough that I had to drag them around the supermarket. I wouldn't inflict that on myself now let alone a 9 and 7 year old.
I used to use bribery but the Christmas shop was hell.

lljkk · 22/12/2011 10:01

yanbu, I frequently read the riot act to my lot before going out. Fat lot of good it does, mind.

FrothingBeserker · 22/12/2011 10:03

Definitely list what you do want her to do, rather than what you don't want her to do.

I do this jsut about every time we go out, tbh. a little chat about what I expect, where we will be going, what might happen and how they should behave (although mine are younger - 6 and 4).

I find it much easier to enlist help in this way, than rant endlessly (although that happens too sometimes Blush) and much easier to remind them of what we agreed too.

mrsjay · 22/12/2011 10:07

you were probably still cross with her from yesterday and thats why you came across as narky mum , I dont think a stern warning is harmful i used to growl at mine Grin least she knows that you wont accept her behaviour , however you need to think of a consequence just incase she plays up ,

ledkr · 22/12/2011 10:14

My nearly ten yr old dd has been a fecking nightmare.Cheeky,spitefull,rude and keeps either collapsing into tears or shouting at me as if its the end of the world.Yesterday we did the food shop,we asked her to help carry it in she didnt,we asked her to help put it away,she didnt,we asked her to feed the baby,she wouldnt and then asked if she could get baby's bath ready so we could get tea on-she wouldnt. Later that day i informed her she would not be getting her xmas treat today of ice skating.I felt terrible untill she shouted down "you WILL take me,cos ill make you!" wtf?
Whats wrong with them??

festi · 22/12/2011 10:19

No tv Shock hell no, make the consequences easy for your self. If its on going behaviour, I tend to threat spending the afternoon in her room with no games consoles. It often works as what begins with a punishment actually just gives everyone some space and my dd often chills out with a little space, no distractions and a chance to play imaginativly or read books which in turn calms the wild behaviour for a much more low key relaxed evening.

YWNBU to give her warnings, even being cross is not a bad thing if she realises that you have been upset by her behaviour and she crossed a line yesterday. Also agree with the poster who said a pleaseant surprise is more effctive than a bride. My dd responds much better to this as if she has behaved and got a treat she was not expecting she becomes happy and proud of herself and carries that good feeling over. If it is a bribe it often becomes expected and so carries no positives.

Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 15:24

well, we just got back and she was a real sweetie overall. a bit of minor teasing, but the cashier even commented on how helpful she was unloading the trolley. she also pushed it round sensibly all the way round. dd2 who is a very tiny 7yo was still under the weather having been ill, so i let her sit in the trolley seat Blush but obv only as she'd been poorly. this helped to make it more manageable.

re on line shopping... it wouldve been too late to book a slot by the time i realise my plans needed to change.

they chose a yule oag and a box of ferrero rocher,...mmmm

just need to finish my cuppa and put it all away now Grin

festi i agree. no tv is almost like punishing myself!

ledkr, mine isnt quite that adolescent yet, but you have my sympathies!

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festi · 22/12/2011 15:51

glad it went well seems the cycle has broken, here is hoping for an enjoyable evening.

Problem is they are all so excited and teetering on the edge this close to christmas. I just sent dd upstairs to play whilst I lay shut my eyes on the sofa she is so loud and litteraly bouncing off the walls. Have also taken her ds off her for today not as punishment but it seems to induce random shouting and jumping around. DD just came down stairs with a lovely picture she drew for me. so happy all round.

I promised if she gave me 20 mins I would play a game with her so scrabble here I come.

Original poster
Slilou · 22/12/2011 16:11

she is in the living room now finishing off the wrapping of last minute prezzies that we bought at asda Smile

and have just popped her fimo reindeer in the oven. hope i dont burn them,esp as she's been such a help.

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