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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Never Christmas Eve, always New Years Eve...... AIBU, honestly!

20 replies

Pandygirl · 21/12/2011 22:09

Hi,

I was interested to know what peoples opinions are on this, genuinely, so please feel free to be as honest as I know you ladies can be

Dp has two lovely kids (13 & 15), I get on very well with them, and we have them 3 / 4 night per week, (obviously DP would like it to be more). I was not the OW but we've been together more than 5 years now. (They've been split more than 6).

Every year when Christmas contact is arranged the following rules apply (dictated by DPs ex) - the children spend every Christmas Eve with their mother so they wake up with her and whoever she's with at the time and every New Years Eve the kids are with us so she can go out on the piss

IABU to want DP to have at least one Christmas Eve with his kids? (To be honest I'm not that bothered about NYE as we wouldn't be going out anyway).

Merry Christmas!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 22:11

YABU to bitch and then cross it out.

Pssst! We can still read it you know

What do the children and your DP want?

And have they discussed it with the ex?

LordOfTheFlies · 21/12/2011 22:14

Has there been discussion with the 13 & 15 yo.
They should have some say on where they stay on Christmas Eve?

Then if they stay with you, they could stay with another relative so as not to cramp the mothers partying so she can't say you've been hogging them?

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 22:17

YANBU

Original poster

Pandygirl · 21/12/2011 22:23

The kids want to alternate years (and always have done - although to be fair they are very good at saying what they think you want to hear), DP wants the kids as much as possible (and always has done). Mum wants Christmas Eve and not NYE (and always has done).

At least this way its consistent and I know what the plans will be! DP and I can plan to celebrate with friends at other times, but it would be nice to be able to accept an invitation to a NYE party one year soon.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 21/12/2011 22:23

What do the children want?

Alternate Christmases seems the fair way to do it though

Original poster

Pandygirl · 21/12/2011 22:25

Oh and yes Worra, it's been discussed with the ex, but rejected as unacceptable.

OP posts:

crypes · 21/12/2011 22:30

13 qnd 15yrs? cant they look after themselves on New Years Eve? in a couple of years they will be off out and wont give a hoot whose waiting in for them or at what time.

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 21/12/2011 22:31

Ha! I have the opposite problem. Ex insists he has DS every other Xmas (as is his right to do). But NYE and day he wont ever have him even if falls on his usual access days and DS asks to go there

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 22:31

Well, next year they'll be 16 and 14 and they can stay in on their own while you go out, if that's what you want to do?

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 22:37

I thought you weren't bothered about going out on NYE?

If you are, as others have said...it won't be long til they can stay in or go out with you.

Original poster

Pandygirl · 21/12/2011 22:41

I suppose it's more about the Xmas Eves that DP has missed for the last 6 years. He adores the kids and used to love waking up with them on xmas day.

ESS has even asked if we can get up at 5am on Saturday morning and open presents then as if it's Christmas - but that's a no no as well.

YSS can't be left alone until he's significantly older.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 22:58

They are teenagers... it is upto them what they do and who they want to see. Or it certainly should be.

LostVagueness · 21/12/2011 23:05

YANBU Why should she get to have the best of both worlds? Lovely Christmas morning with the kids and then pack them off to Dad so she can go out on the piss on new years. Sounds like a raw deal to me. Just because you don;t partucularly want to go out on new years eve doesn't mean you shouldn't have the option. I'm sure your DP would love to have the kids on Christmas morning. Can you put your foot down next year and tell her that you are going out for NYE so she is forced to let you have them for Christmas? Good luck.

LostVagueness · 21/12/2011 23:07

squeakytoy...'they are teenagers...it is up to them what they do and who they want to see. Or it certainly should be' Are you out of your mind? since when were teenagers in charge?

fallenpetal · 21/12/2011 23:11

YANBU but at their ages I would expect some input as to what they would prefer, but I do understand why she wants them Christmas Eve I couldnt bear to be away from mine Christmas day morning .... who would make my coffee??? LOL Seriously though take what you can get happily as it wont be many more years before they want to be with their DP's! X

2rebecca · 21/12/2011 23:18

I'd just enjoy seeing the new year in with them. Teenagers are more fun on Hogmanay than little kids. Find somewhere fun to take them. I agree that in another 2 or 3 years they won't be bothering with either parent and will be doing their own thing.

Original poster

Pandygirl · 21/12/2011 23:19

Thanks so much for the replies everyone.

I think that as the kids get older the date matters less, I agree fallenpetal that we need to grab every second we get before they refuse to even talk to us! (ESS has his teen moments but he is a lovely child).

OP posts:

thepeoplesprincess · 21/12/2011 23:20

I don't think YABU, but I also do the exact same as her and I suspect neither she nor me gives a flying about what the new girlf thinks.

Original poster

Pandygirl · 21/12/2011 23:58

Thanks TPP
1)So is it that your children tell you they want to spend xmas eve with you and nye with dad? (which I know is what DPs children say)
2) How long do I have to be in a relationship (5 years as stepmum) to avoid the "new girlfriend" tag

OP posts:

2rebecca · 22/12/2011 09:04

Getting married puts an end to the "new girlfriend" stuff. My husband's exwife used to moan on some online threads about my husband and I after she had remarried and I was called the "new girlfriend" despite being together 4 years. I think the tone and content of replies she got would have been different if it had been "my exhusband's wife" as people do see "girlfriend" and think of a teenager who has only been around a few weeks.
Not that that was the main reason we married but it gets the message across that this is a serious relationship.
My teenage kids still largely go where their dad and I arrange for them to go at xmas and new year. If they have stuff they particularly want to do they'll say but in general seem happy not to have to choose between us.

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