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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really upset with my ex and his parents?

20 replies

AndLibbyMakesThree · 21/12/2011 20:39

Over the weekend I had a horrible D&V bug and felt really awful. My ex and his parents (who happened to be visiting over the weekend) looked after my DS. I wouldn't expect my ex to do much more to help me - after all, I'm an adult and should be able to look after myself, and obviously we're not together any more.

However, I found out that he and his parents were directly outside my house at Sunday lunchtime, yet didn't even bother to see if there was anything I wanted. I feel this is really nasty of them. At that point I'd been in bed for over 40 hours, all by myself. I had no one else to help, which they knew. I felt so bad that even going downstairs to get a drink seemed a huge effort. I just can't believe that they didn't text/ring to ask if there was anything I needed, or ask if they could come in and make me a drink. I guess I wasn't at my most rational, as I was feeling weak and sick, so it probably upset me more than it should have done, but AIBU for thinking they were being unreasonable in not seeing if I needed anything when they were so near?

On the same topic, my sister texted me on Sunday, so I texted her back saying I was in bed with a D&V bug. She texted back to say "poor you" (fair enough, no problems there) but I haven't heard anything from her since. AIBU to think that my only sibling, knowing I was on my own and ill, could have texted to see how I was? She's told me how supportive I've been of her in the past, but it seems so one-sided. I don't expect her to rush over and look after me, but just a text to show she cares would be nice.

I have to admit I tend to be a bit over-sensitive, so it will be interesting to see what other people think.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 20:42

Most people who have bug like that are not bedridden for 2 days.. I am sure they didnt realise how ill you were.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 20:43

Maybe they thought they would leave
You to rest?

If you needed something could you not have text them? I'm sorry you are I'll and all that but I sort of feel YABU

I doubt it was to 'be nasty' to you, as you said you are not their responsibility. What if they caught it and gave it to your dd?

namechangerbat · 21/12/2011 20:45

I wouldn't expect my x or his parents to piss on me if I was on fire infront of them.

I hope you feel better - but I really would forget about it

StepfordWannabe · 21/12/2011 20:47

YABU. Did you tell any of these people EXACTLY how ill or incapacitated you were? No? They are not mind readers. I am not unsympathetic - it's horrible being ill on your own. But when you are single, you don't have someone on the spot to see how ill you are and you need to take responsibility for yourself (awful I know) and spell out when you need help. Don't be a martyr.

pinkappleby · 21/12/2011 20:49

Maybe they didn't want to catch it?!

Maybe they thought you were asleep. I wouldn't want visitors of any description when I am like that, I might want medicines delivered and then I would call someone.

Glad you are better for Christmas.

Original poster

AndLibbyMakesThree · 21/12/2011 20:50

H, it was hard to know how much to put in my first post.

Yes, I could've texted them, but didn't want to put them to any trouble. But when I found out they'd been outside my house, I felt they could have offered to help.

I totally understand that they might have been worried about catching it, and that's another reason I didn't want to ask them to do anything, but the following day my ex's parents were keen to spend the day in my house as they had nowhere else to go, so it doesn't seem like that was the problem.

There's history with how my ex has treated me before, and I guess that's affecting how I feel about this. And I accept that so far it's looking from the replies that perhaps IABU and over-sensitive - I appreciate the feedback anyway.

OP posts:

Kayano · 21/12/2011 20:53

I just can't reconcile

'I didn't want to put them out'
With

when they were not put out to see it as
'nasty'

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 21/12/2011 20:56

YANBU - you are the mother of their child/grandchild. They were going to be right outside your house - the least they could have done was sent you a text to see if you needed anything picking up from the shops or help with anything. Bloody disgrace to ignore you one day but be happy to use your house the next. It is horrible to have that kind of bug when you live on your own :( Hope you are feeling back to normal for Christmas :)

Kiwiinkits · 21/12/2011 20:56

YABU. If you need help, you have to ask for it directly. To not ask, and to just expect (and then be inevitably disappointed) is passive aggressive. Passive aggressiveness is an ugly trait, because people never know what you want from them. You set them up to be confused by your expectations and sadden them when they feel they have let you down. If you tend to be 'sensitive' and feel yourself to have been 'treated badly', perhaps some self-reflection is in order? Assertiveness is a great skill to have.

Original poster

AndLibbyMakesThree · 21/12/2011 21:00

Sorry, that was meant to be "Hi", not "H".

I'd sent a text that morning saying I was still ill in bed, but I accept I didn't make it clear how bad I was feeling. I just thought there was no point as no one likes a moaner, and I didn't want to make them feel they had to go out of their way to help me. But then it turned out it wasn't out of their way at all...

But fair enough, I think I've been more upset by it than I should've been - it's been a very hard year, and I guess little things are hurting more than they should. Thanks for helping me see it as others would.

OP posts:

HoHoOpotomus · 21/12/2011 21:07

I think your ex and pil were very thoughtless!!!!

Original poster

AndLibbyMakesThree · 21/12/2011 21:10

Chipping - thanks, means a lot to know that someone else feels the same. I was starting to think I was completely off the radar with how I was feeling! That's how I feel - I'm the mum of their only grandchild, they usually stay with me when they're visiting, and they were outside my house, so they could've sent a text to see if I needed anything. Thanks for your post - it means a lot.

Kiwi - I've done assertiveness courses in the past, but still struggle, as you can tell!

Kayano - I meant that as it would be a 15-minute walk in horrible weather, I didn't want to ask them to come round as it wasn't an emergency. But I feel that to be outside the house of someone you know well, who has a nasty bug, and not offer to see if there's anything they need, is a bit mean.

OP posts:

Kayano · 21/12/2011 21:15

Not 'mean' just perhaps thoughtless. They are not psychic and they are ex PIL.

By using words like 'mean' and 'nasty' it's like you are trying to make yourself a victim. If you had asked and they refused then fair enough but it's not mean and nasty!

saladsandwich · 21/12/2011 22:54

my ex in lawsand the ex wouldnt have even watched ds for me so maybe you are being unreasonable. i'd be glad if someone would take ds when i'm ill

2rebecca · 21/12/2011 23:10

If my ex or his parents passed by my house I wouldn't expect them to knock on the door to see if I wanted anything. He's my ex. I don't understand why you'd expect them to randomly knock just because they are in the same street. Alot of women here would see that as harassment by their ex in a "are you sure you can cope without me love" sort of way. I presume you had someone to look after the kids, if not you should have contacted your ex and asked him to come round.
If my relatives are ill I don't text or phone them alot as I presume they will just want to sleep and relax and not faff on with phones, but then I hate phones.
I think feeling sorry for yourself if you are ill and not enjoying your kids near Christmas is fair enough, but I don't think anyone else has done anything wrong.

FabbyChic · 21/12/2011 23:13

You wanted someone to come in your house and catch your bug? Seriously? knowing how bad it was for you and how contagious it is? You wanted someone to come in and make you a glass of water?

Get real.

2rebecca · 21/12/2011 23:13

Sorry I see your ex was looking after his son for the weekend. I still think expecting him to nurse you or knock on your door enquiring after your health is an odd thing to expect from an ex, especially if he had his mother in tow..

skybluepearl · 21/12/2011 23:21

you need to tell them what you need them to do

fallenpetal · 21/12/2011 23:21

I wont help anyone with a bug, my immune system is far too low - but YANBU just over sensitive, my ex and ex inlaws dont even believe I have a disability let alone bother if Im laid up. Glad they had your son so you could rest, had it been me or my mum picking up your child though a bottle of lucuzade and some water would have been dropped off :)

fluffygal · 21/12/2011 23:36

2rebecca-the op just said that the ex's parents normally stay at her house when they are down visiting,so they obviously have a good relationship,so in thus case I think they were being thoughtless-rather then nasty-not to pop in and see how you are,especially as you kindly put them up when they come down to visit.

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