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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So are the Dds being unreasonable (age 14 and 15)

59 replies

blaaahh · 21/12/2011 08:58

Dh and I are having some people over for dinner between x,as and new year. They have Dds roughly the same age as ours and might have to bring them. Are the Dds being unreasonable to say that they don't really want them to come (have only met them once )
Dh thinks they are but is it really fair to expect them to entertain these girls all evening while we have a nice evening with our friends?

OP posts:
Tryharder · 21/12/2011 09:41

Why don't your DDs want these girls to come over? I could understand them being reluctant if they actually had to look after much younger children etc but if your friends have got girls of similar age, they must have something in common, surely?

Francagoestohollywood · 21/12/2011 09:41

Well, I remember having to be friendly to people my age I didn't know too well, and most of the times I actually had fun, given that there is always a subject you can discuss about, being it school, music, cinema, etc.

mollymole · 21/12/2011 09:46

Your DD's are being unreasonable and rude. Your house, your rules and they need to show you more respect.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 21/12/2011 10:13

I shall "stand alone" and say that I don't think your DDs are BU. You are having dinner guests who might bring their DDs with them because they either can't be trusted home alone or the DPs are too tight to pay a sitter and your DDs not only have to be on their best behaviour during a dinner to which they are not invited, but are swept up to their room, but might then have to entertain strangers, in their room, as the dinner guests DDs aren't actually invited either... I think a whinge isn't too OTT. Why can all four girls not join you for dinner? You basically want your DDs to bend over backwards to accommodate your plans regardless of what they want. Ok, so it's a life lesson, and they are the children/you are the parents and all that but then not allowing them to voice an opinion that disagrees with yours is a bit much.

thunderboltsandlightning · 21/12/2011 10:16

If the other girls are coming why not invite them to your dinner party? Why not invite your dds to the dinner party?

Seems a bit odd to invite people over and then expect them not to be part of the actual meal/entertainment.

Francagoestohollywood · 21/12/2011 10:19

Oh I missed the bit about not inviting them to the dinner party... Why?
When my parents entertained (and when I entertain), children joined adults at the table.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 21/12/2011 10:19

I'm with you Pom. And at 14 and 15 I'd consider it their house too tbh...

flamegirl77 · 21/12/2011 10:19

I would have hated this at that age. I do think it's fair enough to insist but a bit much to hurl names at them as some have done. Especially if they are shy. Social situations can be very difficult at that age.

MrsDanverclone · 21/12/2011 10:25

I don't think your Dds are being unreasonable.
But as they are 14 and 15, they need to learn that, as an adult, sometimes you have to be sociable to other people, even when you don't really want to be. You can take this opportunity to remind them, of all the annoying people you have put up with on their behalf, over the years.

My parents always expected us to entertain random children/teens, while they consumed alcohol and had fun socialising with people they wanted to spend time with.

Make it easier for your Dd's, get a new DVD or two, so there is a choice, popcorn, new silly Wii game, teach them card games to help break the ice with each other, play the chocolate game with silly things to dress up in. At 14/15 some people don't have the social skills to put others at their ease and as its for your benefit, not theirs, you need to do some preparation to try and ensure they have a reasonable time as well.

Plus I would offer some bribe as well, as some people have horrid offspring and they are a chore to entertain. Xmas Grin

aldiwhore · 21/12/2011 10:26

If you can't see your friends if they're unable to bring their dd's then your DD's ABVU. If you can still have your jollies without your friends' dd's then UABU to expect your dd's to join in your social arrangements.

Sorry if that's against the grain somewhat but I have less than fond memories of having to kill time with my mother's friend's dd who was an absolute arse. I'm a sociable person as well, and polite, and a good hostess. I just think if its unnecessary, then its unnecessary!

lljkk · 21/12/2011 10:27

Oh well, I'll be the lone one in support of the DDs.

I think OP's children should invite their teenage friends over with their friends' parents, and OP & her DH should be obliged to "bear it" by socialising with their parents all evening. It's only fair, after all.

Katiepoes · 21/12/2011 10:28

I'm with Pom too. I used to have to do that with the daughters of my Mam's best friend, one was a muttering weirdo that didn't ever want to do anything, the other was younger and loud and irritating (still is). When they came over I could not go out with my own frieneds becasue muttering weirdo would never come (although invited) and shouty was just too much to be seen with in public. I'm pretty sure they felt the same about me when we went there, the Mams just expected us to all be best pals.

You can ask them, even make them but don't expect them to like it. At least give them something to do as already suggested with DVDs etc.

MrsDanverclone · 21/12/2011 10:31

Takes me ages to type. I'm pleased to see that I'm not the only one who doesn't think the Dd's are being unreasonable.
I was starting to worry that living with 3 teens, was resulting in me now thinking like a teenager!
I'm now off to throw the contents of my wardrobe on my bedroom floor and hog the bathroom for a couple of hours, while using all the hot water. Xmas Smile

lljkk · 21/12/2011 10:32

ooh, X posts, I'm not so alone in sympathising with the DDs after all.
I guess I'd come up with some bribes to help them find the situation more tolerable.

eurochick · 21/12/2011 10:35

I'm not sure at that age why the parents can't leave them at home?

If they can't, I think all the teens should join the party and your daughters can learn about good hosting (even when you don't like the guests). As an adult you often have someone's unpleasant partner or whatever turn up and you just have to get on with it!

AKMD · 21/12/2011 10:42

TABU and so are you. They should all be part of the meal then go off to watch DVDs or something after pudding. Your DDs should do everything in their pwoer to make your friends' DDs feel welcome.

hackmum · 21/12/2011 10:52

I don't think your DDs are BU. They don't want to spend hours entertaining a couple of girls they barely know. Imagine if it was the other way round - they were having friends round and you had to entertain their parents for three hours. Not much fun, is it?

But having said that, you'll just have to ask them to be nice and friendly and put up with it. We all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes.

vixsatis · 21/12/2011 10:53

At that age they can all join you for dinner and be civilised. I wouldn't be engaging in a discussion about it

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 21/12/2011 10:55

If they can't, I think all the teens should join the party and your daughters can learn about good hosting (even when you don't like the guests). As an adult you often have someone's unpleasant partner or whatever turn up and you just have to get on with it!

That's fine, but the issue in this case, is that they aren't the girls' guests. They're not even invited to the dinner from what I can see. They're being used as babysitters.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 21/12/2011 10:55

Sorry, missed your first sentence...

Yulewithadragontattoo · 21/12/2011 10:57

To be honest they don't have to entertain the other girls all the time. They could watch DVDs together or play computer games sure. But if they want to go to one room and read while the visiting sisters go to another room that seems fair to me as this is going to be quite a few nights and everyone needs their own space to chill out. I'm assuming your DD's have a bedroom each so this would be possible.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 21/12/2011 11:02

It's U of you to let your friends' DDs come over and not try to make them feel part of the evening (when are they expected to eat? Will they have to have an early dinner at home before they come, like little kids?). I think you should all have dinner together, and then you can pack the teenagers off so you and your friends can have some time together. Your DDs learn about hosting and the friends' DDs learn about being decent guests. Win win.

Deliaskis · 21/12/2011 11:05

At that age (and actually from about 10 or 11 I think) we would have been included in the evening. We used to like having adult dinners with our parents and their friends. I can't understand why you're not all having dinner together?

D

CurlyCasper · 21/12/2011 11:08

As others have said, I can't see why the teenagers cannot be part of the dinner party. They are old enough to sit at the table and socialise. And perhaps after bonding as a group they might be happy to split off while the parents enjoy after dinner drinks and chat.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/12/2011 11:12

YANBU - as long as when your DD's have friends over, you dont mind entertaining their parents all night too Xmas Wink

Seriously, I am sure they can take it for one night, after all, they only have to sit and watch a dvd and who knows, they may get along famously.