My son hates my neighbour, my neighbour likes me!

[sitandnatter]

Bear with me and I'll explain. I have a neighbour who I feel sorry for, he has learning difficulties, I don't know what kind but you can just tell. My son is autistic. Neighbour tells other neighbours he'd marry me but I won't marry him and will only be his friend. He has no friends, his family stay away largely and he's lonely. I tolerate him because I pity him. He has been told I will only ever be his friend and nothing can ever come of that, he now accepts that.

Now here's the problem. My son hates him and he knows my son hates him, my son is outright rude to him despite how many times I tell him to pack it in, it falls on deaf ears. I've tried talking to my son, telling him off, punishing him, he just is stuck on hating him and that won't change. Here's not here often, half an hour a week.

Neighbour now tells me he has bought my son an expensive present probably around £40 worth. I've told neighbour not to, to give it to his grandchildren, neighbour refused wants son to have it, son will tell him to shove it and won't accept gracefully. No one is listening to me, neighbour wont give OTT gift to his grandkids and my son will refuse it.

AIBU for being too soft? Son should come first shouldn't he? Or should I try harder to make my son be polite or just keep in his room for a half hour a week.

Why does your son feel the way he does?

He is intensely protective of me, he is fearful I will marry this man and he will become a part of our lives. I am pretty sure the poor man can't read, I'm degree educated, my son just can't see how it could never ever happen in a million years no matter how many times I reassure him. We've been on our own now for 12 years and he doesn't want it any other way.

This man is not a threat to him but he can't see it.

Does your son actually need much contact with this man? Your son must be at least 12. Could you arrange this mans visits for when your ds is out/upstairs ?

You don't describe the extent of your sons ASD but clearly he's. Verbal. Tbh, ASD or not, if your son is going to function successfully at school/ college/ workplace then he is going to have to learn strategies to avoid offensive behaviour- the rest of the world isn't going to be endlessly accepting of it.

As far as the neighbour is concerned, keep the friendship going if you want, but again, he is in a similar position to your son (ie has a disability albeit a different type). He is obviously able to live indepedently and therefore you have a right to expect to talk to him without him being over bearing and upsetting you and your family. I would reflect on what this man has actually said. If he talks frequently about marriage then it isn't appropriate. If on the other hand it's your son who is over reacting then it's him who needs to modify his behaviour. Only you know the details of what has been said so I think you need to make a judgment about it

In all other areas I get complements about how polite he is, no problems at school or anywhere else with rudeness. He's got the rules and uses them, except when it comes to the neighbour where he is totally out of order.

They are both a little wrong, my son for his rudeness my neighbour for not listening to me and coming around when my son is in. I have asked him several times to give the presents to his grandchildren. The neighbour's sister even visited and I had a chat with her about her brothers generosity and how he should really give the gifts to his grandchildren.

She has just said he wants your son to have it and that his grandchildren will be given presents too. The trouble is my son really doesn't want it. Not because he doesn't want the gift but because he doesn't want anything off the neighbour. On the one hand it's good that my son won't use the neighbour to get what he wants out of him on the other if he could just not be rude. I've had another chat but haven't got through to my son.

How often is this neighbour round at yours? Marriage or not - does your son feel this man is intruding on family life?

Personally, if I didn't particularly like the neighbour (you say you only tolerate him out of pity) and it is causing an upset in your own family, I would stop him from coming round at all and distance myself from him. You can still be polite and speak in the street but he doesn't need to come into your house. As for the present, if he insists just say you will take it and pass it on to your son.

So your neighbour has been married and has children and grandchildren?

Unless you know the reason as to why none of his family "bother with him" tbh i think that you approach with caution.

You should not be forcing contact between this man and your son, or making your son acepts gifts from him. It is especially important to give the message to SN children (more than NT) that they don't have to have contact with people who make them feel uncomfortable, to protect them in later life.

Your neighbour should be accepting of you refusing the present. You shouldn't befiend someone to the extent that it upsets your children "out of pity", help your neighbour out, by all means, but tbh it doesn't sound healthy, all round.

He only comes around for about half an hour a week, it's about as much as I can cope with to be honest so it's not much but he really doesn't have any friends outside of the street we live in, he gets into difficulty and I've had to alert his family more than once to come and help him.

It seems cruel to just cut him adrift when he really just wants a friend. A few of the other neighbours do the same thing. He's a good as gold, he'll take in parcels for you which though occasional can be a Godsend. I've done things like help him do some practical stuff which he can't do, last year he was on his own at Christmas so I plated him up another Christmas dinner, starter and pudding and took it around to him to reheat. I wouldn't invite him to our home for dinner as that to me would be an intrusion.

Some mornings if he is up he will have defrosted the car. It's neighbourly stuff really, just wished my son would stop the rudeness, say "thank you very much" and we can get on with our own Christmas.

My son just doesn't understand that it is just an older man who needs a bit of help every now and again

Your posts about you not being able to be friends with this man because he cannot read are borderline offensive, to be blunt.

Perhaps open your own thinking and stop being so pitying of others who you see as inferior.

Using terms such as "gold as gold" are patronising. You need to disengage, he has family local, just look out for him, as you would for any vulnerable neighbour but at a distance.

Interesting take their Rudolf, plenty to think about. Thanks. Oddly enough his ex wife still does his washing it's his son's who don't really bother with him as his house is a bit cluttered and they don't like to bring their children there. Though when he is in difficulty I can call them and they do come to help. If he's not been seen or looks ill I do ring them but don't get involved myself with the help.

Just do the alerting. The neighbour is well aware my son doesn't like him I suppose he is trying to buy his friendship but it won't work. I'll try talking to them both again, son about rudeness neighbour about giving extra treats to his grandchildren.

It is unfair on your son to have to have this person in your house when it is upsetting him so much. It doesn't mean you have to cut your neighbour out, could you just do these visits in his house?

rudolf I didn't mean any offence just trying to illustrate how different we are and how the relationship my son fears would never happen. Sorry if I have given too many facts but it wasn't meant to be patronising just factual. He brings letters here saying he's lost his glasses and could I read them to him which I always do.

Just to add if his situations worstens in regards to needing care, you can make the referal, as a concern, to adult social care, it doesn't have to come from his family.

Offdown to be honest no, his house is cluttered. I think I am going to have to be a lot firmer with him and tell him not to call when my son is here and that given my son's rudeness I can't allow him to accept the presents off him. Think I shall just have to toughen up a bit.

Rudolf being as his family come when they are called I think it is up to them to decide on social care but if they ever don't I'll bear that in mind.

Although he may not be able to read, he has had a family and lives independantly. On reading your first post, i thought that perhaps he was an adult with LD's who had limited understanding of relationships/sex 'the world' etc, but this doesn't seem to be the case.

Perhaps your DS is seeing a different picture that you are missing because you have an assumption about this man has being 'childlike', which isn't so.

Not sure where you have assumed that I've made the assumption he is 'childlike' rudolf . At no point have I said he has a limited understanding of relationships/sex 'the world'. I think you are reading into the first post far more than has actually been written again.

Is this the same neighbour who bought you a new TV or have I got the wrong poster?

I was just about to ask that Standing, thought it sounded familiar

Hello stranger.

I thought I'd have a low key return to AIBU.

Well I don't think the present should be accepted, but you know that already so I am just pointing out the bloody obvious [frgin].

The only way I can think of it working is if you disengage with your neighbour pretty much completely, baring a 'hello' to each other occasionally.
Your son will feel much more secure and will be worrying less about you and your neighbour getting together. TBH your son's feelings should be your one and only concern, not your neighbours feelings. Harsh I know but that is my opinion.

You say your neighbour has family nearby, keep an eye on him from a distance and continue to let his family know if you suspect he is in any bother etc.

Just disengage,walk away and stop making him your responsibility. Because I felt from this thread (and previous I have read from you) that you are starting to enjoy the gifts he is gifting to you and it could start to look like that is why you are 'friends' with him. I don't mean to come across as a bitch and I am not trying to, I am just trying to let you know how it looks to an outsider.

Good luck.

That should have been

"He has been told I will only ever be his friend and nothing can ever come of that, he now accepts that." Sorry but it doesn't sound like he has accepted that (LD or none) his behaviour would indicate the opposite. Think you need to be really clear with teh boundaries of your friendship and accepting expensive gifts for your ds , or even yourself, woudl blur that. Can you speak to his family and get them to reinforce this, chances are they will otherwise think you are encouraging this for your own reasons. Does he have a SW or other support as I wonder if he has issues about managing money , relationships etc.

Yes you should encourage your son to be polite to him, just as other people, but it doesn't mean he has to overtly like him - a chance to teach him that things in life are not always so black and white.

If your son is autistic, in this situation you have to put his feelings first.

You wouldn't have someone you really didn't like and that made you feel anxious and uncomfortable in your own home, so neither should your son.

I understand why you feel the way you do towards your neighbour, and that is lovely. I disagree completely with Rudolph, and don't find anything patronising or offensive in your posts. My son has ASD too.

But your priority is your son, and if this neighbour can't limit his visits to when they are convenient for you, ie when your son is out or at school, then he is crossing the line and he is being intrusive.