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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think I am being unreasonable but please correct me if I am!

42 replies

PrisonerZero · 20/12/2011 23:07

Sorry another Christmas AIBU thread.

Background:

I have 2 DC, am divorced from their father on very good terms with him and we share DC 50/50 half a week each and take turns having Christmas morning each year. This year it is my turn, he will have them for a meal Christmas Eve, drop them here for Christmas day and pick them up about 3pm. Very happy with this arrangement.

I also have a 6 month old baby with partner.

My AIBU:

On Christmas day P has announced that he plans to spend an hour with me, my DC and our baby then take baby to his mothers at 10am, and for me to join them there at 4pm when my DC have left to go to their dads.

His (P's) Mother thinks this is a good idea because it will give me time alone with my DC and that it will do them good to have me to themselves.

I think that in reality they just want their only DC/Grandchild to themselves for the day.

I want all my DC together on Christmas day, especially as I only get it every other year, It is the babies first Christmas, and as my DC are only here half the week I think it will be good for us to be together Christmas day, I am a little worried they might think they are missing out/not bonding/feeling left out. P can go to his mothers and baby and I will meet him there at 4pm.

He doesnt want to miss out on his babies first Christmas but is choosing to leave the house and go elsewhere.

AIBU?

OP posts:

pootlebug · 20/12/2011 23:30

WTF? When my step son spends Christmas with us, it is just as important that he is spending it with his half siblings as that he is spending it with his Dad. I cannot in a million years imagine pissing off to my parents place either with or without the kids the years he is here for Christmas.

Pozzled · 20/12/2011 23:31

Yanbu. I also have a 6 month old and there's no way in the world I'd be apart from her for 6 hours on Christmas day. You should all be together as a family. If you can't all go to your MIL's then your DP should stay with you.

Treadmillmom · 20/12/2011 23:31

If Christmas fell off the map I would not care in the least, why, well my Xmases are fine, it upsets me that people get into such a flap with long lasting consequences for what, one sodding day of the year.
OP I think for your DCs to have you all to themselves, without step-dad or drooling baby that distracts you with feeds and nappy changes would be wonderfull.
What a fantastic Christmas that would be, our mom, soley there for us, just us!
Then you'll have Part II to look forward to, enjoying the wonder of baby's first Christmas without guilt tripping that you're leaving the other 2 out.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2011 09:09

Baby won't know it's Christmas - what do you think the other children would like?

pinkdelight · 21/12/2011 09:16

This is crazy. Of course he should stay and you all have Christmas together.

ElizabethDarcy · 21/12/2011 09:23

OP... you are being dismissed... you and your family (your DH and ALL your children) should be together. New Christmas traditions need to start now that your DH's circumstances have changed... ie: he has a family now! A wife, baby and 2 step kids.

MollyTheMole · 21/12/2011 09:59

YANBU, it will be lovely for the DCs to be together, otherwise they might wonder why they, or the baby, are being kept apart from each other on what is a pretty special day for kids and that might breed resentment

Agree with PPs that traditions change when a baby arrives, although interestingly I got flame roasted to a crisp last year when I posted under a name change that I didnt want to go to the ILs all Christmas day beause I had a young DS and wanted to spend a bit of time at my parents too.

fivegomadindorset · 21/12/2011 10:01

If you let him do this this year, what will happen in a couple of years when it is the same set up?

melika · 21/12/2011 10:03

YANBU, tell him its fucking unsociable and you won't do it.

bagelmonkey · 21/12/2011 10:10

YANBU
Do NOT split up the children.

Goolash · 21/12/2011 10:17

yanbu

I think it sends out a divisive to the children. The baby won't give a shit it's Christmas but it'd be lovely for the older ones to be sharing the occasion with their sister. I'd also worry about it setting a precedence and becoming the tradition.

Maybe dp's mother is trying to be helpful, maybe she's taking the opportunity to not let go of her son from Christmas + a cute baby. Whichever, not the best idea.

WilsonFrickett · 21/12/2011 10:21

YANBU. He should stay with you and the children he co-parents (FFS) and then you can all go to MIL's once your older DCs have been picked up.

Next year when you don't have your older DCs in the morning you can go round MIL's for a late breakfast (if you want!) coming home for the arrival of the elder DCs and a big Christams tea.

You have a 'year on, year off' arrangement anyway, so you need to make the extended family work with that, IMO.

(Well done for having such a civilised deal with your exP btw, I have grown-up friends who are still torn between two houses at Christmas)

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 21/12/2011 10:32

I would have a massive problem with this:

"His (P's) Mother thinks this is a good idea because it will give me time alone with my DC and that it will do them good to have me to themselves."

It totally splits the family up and splits off your youngest child from his elder siblings.

They are all your DC so why would you need time alone with just some of them?

Why can't you all, including your partner and youngest child, have time together as the family that you are (or should be)?

Does your partner seriously think that this is a good idea? Because if mine did I would be sending him to his mothers house for much longer than Christmas day.

I hate it when people do something so unreasonable and selfish under the guise of doing you a favour, especially when they are effectively saying "those children are not part of our family" and your partner has joined in and allowed it. He's their step-father, he shouldn't be allowing this game of playing favourites, just so he can go have a Christmas breakfast and a piss-up while his mother plays doting grandma with the only related child.

This shouldn't be allowed to happen on any day of the year, and they are cutting you off from your partner and one of your children too.

It's not on. Don't let it happen, even your partner going on his own kind of separates him from you and the children, even his own child, as being part of a "them and us" style family.

fivegomadindorset · 21/12/2011 10:37

Time alone with your children, yes, every child should gte some time to spend on on one with a parent, but not on Christmas day.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 21/12/2011 10:48

No, sorry - the children are a family. The MAIN part of the family, whose experience of Christmas is the most important.

Make it clear with a smile RIGHT NOW that he clearly has a big misconception about families. His main, primary family commitment is now to his child, his child's mother, and other children in that nuclear family.

His parents are secondary, as are yours.

The PrisonerZero Family Christmas is located at your home, with you, the mother of the children. All of them. This is a cast-iron fact.

If his mum (as grandmother to the children of the family) wants to join you all, she is welcome.

If the dad of the family (that's him) wants to go elsewhere, that's not going to be very welcome at all.

If the grandmother of the family (MIL) wants to position herself as only grandmother to the one child who is biologically related to her, that will be a shame, because that will diminish her role a huge amount and will over time make her less of a part of the family. Ask your P, does she really want to take this nitpicky smaller role? She'll lose out if so - just like now, where her 'helpful' suggestions actually equate to splitting up siblings over Christmas. That's never going to be welcome - does she want to do a rethink now, before she finds herself marginalised next year?

And your P. He's a grown up himself now, with his own family to 'lead'. Does he want to take on that role, or stay a child at his own mother's Christmas table? Does he too want to do a rethink now, before he finds himself marginalised in many more important ways too?

TroublesomeEx · 21/12/2011 10:59

OP You and your P need to present a united front on this. You are the family - you, your P and all the DCs.

We've always stood our ground with my MIL - which has caused huge problems (especially this Christmas for some reason) because she also likes to see herself as the matriarch of the family and we don't recognise her 'authority'.

When BIL's DC1 was 5 days old they went round on Boxing Day and she refused to let them take their baby home with them. And I mean, just point blank refused to let them take him out of the house. We were there and absolutely . BIL and his P were still quite young and let her because they didn't know what else to do.

She also said it was to give BIL and his P some time alone together. They didn't want time alone, they wanted to be together as a family. MIL just wanted to parade him around telling everyone who'd listen how BiL and his P relied on her and how she was going to be "his third parent".

They have had many problems since this precedent was set. If you don't say "no" now, it'll make it difficult to say it in the future. Good luck and have a merry christmas.

Lonnie · 21/12/2011 11:32

YANBU Christmas is about family and your children are family.

If He wanted to take her for 1 hour at say 3 pm I would have some understanding but this is insane. There is no way I would allow a 6 month old of mine to be away from me for 6 hours on Christmas day.

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