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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Argh PIL! Surely IANBU!

21 replies

theoldfrazzledazzle · 20/12/2011 20:30

Sorry, another PIL and Christmas related thread, I really think they are being v unreasonable but maybe I'll be told otherwise!

DH is a lovely man and really idolises FIL (but won't admit that) although he wasn't in his life much when he was growing up. FIL and his wife live hundreds of miles from us, but FIL told DH yesterday that it would 'make his Christmas' if we drove down to them on Christmas Day to spend a couple of hours there. I took issue with this because I am A) Heavily pregnant and not prepared to spend hours and hours in a car in bad weather and bad traffic just for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve with FIL who wouldn't really be grateful for it. B) We have been down a few times this year and they know they're always welcome up here. C) It's not like we're even good enough to be invited to stay over/stay for Christmas. That doesn't matter anyway because we have plans for Christmas.

Anyway, DH sort of agreed that it wasn't a good idea but I was annoyed with him anyway for thinking initially that it was, and for wanting to go down. I know he feels guilty for saying no to his dad, and I can understand that his FIL guilt tripped him into feeling this way, because he just wants to please his dad so much even as an adult. I feel a bit mean now for berating him a bit and having a row with him for considering the idea because I understand how confused he feels about his dad.

This morning the postman knocked with a parcel from his dad, with our Christmas presents in, which we opened (I know! But v nosy). Mine was a...still can't get over this...a U rated children's cartoon dvd about a dog, it was called 'superdog' or something. WTAF? It's not the fact that the dvd was obviously a cheap one no-one has heard of, I would never expect to have a lot of money spent on me, it was just the irrelevance of the present to me, I found it quite offensive, and I can't understand why they sent it? And it was definitely for me and not labelled wrong and sent to the wrong person. I'm wondering if they're trying to prove a point, and if so, what?? It did make me laugh a bit, but out of annoyance more than anything. Wish I'd kept those concert tickets I sent to them for myself! I kind of knew that they never liked me, and have always tried really hard with them, which I won't be after his stupid request re Christmas Eve and weird present. Oh - and what do I say when FIL or his wife asks if I got their present?? IABU to be hugely pissed off?

Sorry this is so long! Hoping I don't get a barrage of YABU!

OP posts:
theoldfrazzledazzle · 20/12/2011 20:32

Oh sorry - I meant FIL asked us to drive down on Christmas EVE for a few hours - not Christmas DAY!

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 20/12/2011 20:33

I've got the Superdog DVD......I liked it.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 20/12/2011 20:34

YABU - the upshot is you're not going visiting, and FIL is crap at presents.

Move on. Stop making mountains out of molehills.

BandOMothers · 20/12/2011 20:34

Chill out...it's not that bad...he's crap to epect you to go there when you're heavily pregnant...but the gift? Who cares? Last year my MIL sent me a free diary which she'd gotten from a womans magazine! I didn't care...nor was I offended...
Don't wait till you are asked if you got the DVD...thank them for it on CHristmas day.

ginmakesitallok · 20/12/2011 20:35

And I don't think its unreasonable for FIL to want to see his son over Xmas. Though I don't think YABU for not wanting to go.

BandOMothers · 20/12/2011 20:36

FIL may be regretting his being crap with your DH...I know you're not going there this year but try to encourage DH to foster a good relationship with his Dad...he may regret it if not...and it is his Dad.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 20/12/2011 20:36

YABU. Go or don't go on Christmas Eve, smile and say, 'thank you' for the gift (weird yes but nobody died) and stop overthinking things. Merry Christmas! :)

theoldfrazzledazzle · 20/12/2011 20:36

I just think if it would 'make his Christmas' so much why doesn't he come up here to see his son? He knows he's welcome, he's not spending Christmas with anyone other than his wife, and he never comes here, always us to him!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/12/2011 20:38

Maybe the FIL was trying to say you were a bitch Grin..

theoldfrazzledazzle · 20/12/2011 20:39

squeakytoy - yeah I think so too!

OP posts:
BandOMothers · 20/12/2011 20:39

How old is FIL OP? If he's getting on a bit then a trip like that may be too much for him.

loopsylou · 20/12/2011 20:40

It's not unreasonable to not want to travel a long way when heavily pregnant! And OP perhaps the DVD was for the baby? x

mynewpassion · 20/12/2011 20:40

gift could be for you and new baby.

trixie123 · 20/12/2011 20:40

ok, the DVD he may have intended for the baby - people bought me "baby" presents for my birthday when I was pregnant with DC1; the visit, yes xmas eve is a bad time to travel, especially on motorways but could you fit in a visit a couple of days before or after? Your DP is caught in a difficult position, this is his dad and regardless of their past relationship it can only be a good thing if they are bonding - again the impending grandchild may be a factor here. Can you possibly compromise and go for a longer visit on another day - get over the whole "not good enough for xmas day thing".

squeakytoy · 20/12/2011 20:41

Seriously though, have you ever actually invited him... knowing you would be welcome, and actually being asked are definately different things.

mynewpassion · 20/12/2011 20:43

squeaktoy has a good point. Being welcome anytime is different being invited for a specific holiday or event. The former is for a short visit if nearby but

MrsBradleyJames · 20/12/2011 20:43

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be VERY pissed off. I think calm is the key here because getting very angry with your FIL for the type of reasons you list here will not actually have any effect other than, eventually, to annoy your husband.

Unless you are going to phone up and say to him straight "come on, drive all that way christmas eve? are you mad? And what's with the naff DVD?" then you should leave it and not take any of it out on your DH.

Keeping calm and just saying mild things like "oh dear I don't think your dad really knows me well does he' with things like the naff present, is going to be better for you both in the long run I think.

mynewpassion · 20/12/2011 20:43

but for a specific holiday like Christmas requires an invitation or should require an invitation.

theoldfrazzledazzle · 20/12/2011 20:46

FIL is 53, and well able to get around. I would and have made the effort to visit, we have visited a few times this year, including when pregnant, but not this far along. I will go and visit with DH again because otherwise he won't see his dad, as I can't see him coming up here and DH doesn't want to keep asking him. Just feel sorry for DH because he would do anything for his dad, and annoyed at the same time at FIL because he did a bunk when DH was 3 and didn't bother with him until he was an adult. I probably do go over the top about little things to do with FIL but probably because that niggles at me.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 22:15

It is completely understandable that you feel the way you do about your FIL. It's hard to watch the person you love act like a puppy dog around someone that has caused them so much hurt.

I think you are right and FIL doesn't like you. But that is nothing to do with you. You could be anyone. The fact is that you are someone who has always treated his son with love and respect, and he massively failed to do either. That makes him feel guilty, and so he projects his dislike of himself on to you because it's easier for him.

You don't have to like him either, you just have to tolerate him for your dh's sake.

sue52 · 20/12/2011 22:26

YANBU. FIL should know better than to expect someone heavily pregnant to spend hours driving during the Christmas rush. Your DH was a bit daft to even consider it. The DVD is wierd

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