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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Desperately need help re wedding

49 replies

rmm · 20/12/2011 09:40

My sister and I have always had a strange relationship. We're very close when we aren't living close together, which works out fine because we live 4 hours away from each other. But as soon as we spend time in close proximity we invariably end up fighting.

My sister has alway been 'babied' by our mum and so she is used to getting her way or uses emotional blackmail to get her way.
It works with my parents, but not with me.

Right now there is a huge amount of tension and stress and I need some objectivity so please help.

It's my sister's wedding on the 27/12 and all the preparations are in place.

A few days ago we had what seemed like a minor disagreement, but which has now blown out into mammoth proportions. I mean really really ugly.
In true form my sister is hysterical, crying and threatening suicide, and being absolutely awful. She won't talk to me or if she does it's to hurl abuse. I have tried to talk to her rationally but im fed up of being screamed at and sworn at. Tbh ive been pushed to my limit and a few times I've reacted to her. I know not good.

I have been helping her plan the more creative parts of the wedding and she is now trying to take over, claiming my ideas as her own, which should, but is bothering me and I can see she is struggling.

My parents are caught in the middle and being put in a really unfair position.

If you've gotten this far thanks you! My aibu is that I feel really uncomfortable going to to wedding under these circumstances.
But if I don't go it will cause a huge rift in the family and if I go I feel that I am compromising my integrity.

So please help me to decide, what do i do?

OP posts:

Lonnie · 20/12/2011 10:17

No it is not a reasonable compromise sorry.

Tell her your sorry that she felt you had intended for her to deal with the laundry this had never crossed your mind. Then continue if you wish my help with the wedding you know where to find me. Then turn around and concentrate on making a wonderful christmas for YOUR children YOUR family

Go to the wedding dress up show ^ and if it gets hard remind yourself how much you love your parents and do not allow your love for them to tarnish over your sister being a brat. (really if you dont show for it all your stooping down to her level)

then dont bother speaking to her again until she comes to you.

Lonnie · 20/12/2011 10:18

that should be go to the wedding dress up and show up.. grins

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 10:19

Most weddings are nothing but a dress up show, Lonnie

Original poster

rmm · 20/12/2011 10:21

Nanny - Her fiancé doesn't know the details, only that we have had a disagreement. She doesn't want him to know.

Every time anyone does anything to upset her she threatens suicide.

Viv - I wish it was just some angry words. It was so much more. I know she is the bride and I know she is entitled to have her moments but that doesn't entitle someone to be downright nasty.

So I guess the verdict is to go, stay calm and leave ASAP!

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 10:23

Good for you OP.

And remember, whenever she starts off, you just need to UNCLENCH!

Ephiny · 20/12/2011 10:27

If you think there's a chance she might be serious about suicide and is genuinely struggling to cope, then maybe suggest she goes to her GP or point her towards sources of help like the Samaritans - or get your parents to do this if she won't listen to you.

Otherwise I just wouldn't pay any attention or spend any time with her, if she's going to shout and swear and insult you. Agree about attending the wedding but not getting involved in anything silly. Just be perfectly polite and calm, make sure you behave reasonably even if she doesn't!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/12/2011 10:32

rmm Her fiancé doesn't know the details, only that we have had a disagreement. She doesn't want him to know.

Tell him.

Every time anyone does anything to upset her she threatens suicide.

Tell him that too and then call her GP and tell them she has threatened suicide. That'll knock some sense into her!

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 20/12/2011 10:38

She doesn't want him to know - no, I bet she doesn't want him to know that he's marrying a hysterical manipulative idiot who threatens suicide every time she doesn't get her own way...

which is exactly why I'd tell him, incidentally, exactly why and how this has come about, and how she's reacted. I don't see why she should get to cause such an amazing ruckus on one hand, and on the other get to look like Miss Serene in front of her fiance?

He's marrying her, warts and all - do him a favour and let him know what's going on. Mentioning perhaps that if she's going to get into such a state that she threatens suicide - ffs! - then perhaps yes the wedding should be postponed.

About the wedding itself - that's the easy bit. Completely sever contact for now. Refuse to engage, if necessary telling her bluntly that she's a manipulative cow and that you do not intend to engage with her further, at all, and that you will not forgive her for treating your children and family badly. Enjoy Christmas. Make it clear to your parents that she's pushed it to the limit: there'll be no more indulging her brattishness, not ever. Then go to the wedding, paste that smile on and go - go so that YOU don't end up being blamed in the future for Ruining Spoilt Brat's Wedding. Enjoy the day, spending the time with your husband and children. Go home, and delete her number from your phone over a celebratory glass of wine. And if she ever wants to try and make up in the future, good luck to her. Because you've had enough.

LydiaWickham · 20/12/2011 10:38

go to the wedding.

RE the flowers, it's her wedding, if she wants to do them herself, let her, it's not your day. If she wants help with the flowers again, she can ask you for it.

If she's threatening suicide, her fiance needs to know. He will be dealing with this once they are married, he needs to know that she's unstable. He's supposed to be the person she relies on for support, she should be leaning on him.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/12/2011 10:39

I think this has to be dealt with before the wedding, or there will be tension and an awful atmosphere. That's not how anyone will want to remember your sister's wedding.

If this was me, I think I'd start by going through my parents.Explain, calmly, what happened from your pov. Your sister could talk to them too. They love you both and will be able to judge which of you was unreasonable in the first place regarding the initial argument.On the face of it though, I think it would be helpful if they told your sister in no uncertain terms, that swearing and saying awful things to you, over a load of washing and a shopping trip, is utterly unacceptable behaviour.

Just because someone is getting married, it doesn't mean they can be allowed to speak to everyone around them like shit. If your parents won't get involved, then maybe email your sister. If what you say about the initial argument is true, then don't apologise because you haven't done anything wrong. You can tell your sister that although she is stressed, her behaviour was unacceptable and that you have been trying to help her. If she doesn't want your help, then you won't give it, if she does, then she knows where to find you. Ask her directly if she wants you to attend the wedding and make your decision according to her response.

The way I see it is that the ball should be in her court. If you just decide not to go, then you will get blamed, even if your intentions are good. If she says she doesn't want you to go, then it's down to her.

Regarding the suicide threats. Some people will scream and shout and threaten, with no real danger of actually following it through.Some particularly nasty people will say anything if they think it will get them what they want. Only you, here, can say if she is the prima donna, manipulative type or if there really is a mental health issue here. It's not a normal thing to say and your parents/her fiance should be trying to get her to a doctor for an assessment. We can't really judge, but if she was my sister I'd want her checked out by a doctor.

Ephiny · 20/12/2011 10:41

I agree her fiance should know, not necessarily about the details of your row with her, but certainly if she's talking about suicide. I'd certainly want to know if my DP was saying things like that and would not appreciate people keeping if from me.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 10:44

Shes a dick that makes a mockery of suicide. I'd go to her wedding, then fuck her off tbh. And next time she threatens, tell her to go ahead. She disgusts me.

Sorry, I know she's your sister.

Original poster

rmm · 20/12/2011 13:31

Karmabeliever - I love the name.
Your post made a lot of sense to me.
My dad and gran have refused to go if I don't attend the wedding, and the entire situation is so filled will tension I don't see how it wouldn't show at the wedding.
I was helping her with the decor, the cake boxes, the table arrangements, seat covers and the music and helping her dress on the day and now she is trying to do all of it herself.
My parents or my mum has tried to speak to her, but she is so irrational she screams and swears at my mum and walks out.
I don't want to be the one to make the decision not to go, but maybe it should be her decision, it's her wedding she should be the one to decide who is and isn't there.
She doesn't want her fiancé to know any of what's going on and her suicide threats are only that, threats. I've been hearing it for 15 years now and it does get to a stage where you ignore it. It used to make me really angry to hear suicide used so casually, but now I'm just used to it. Isn't that sad?

I can't go and tell her fiancé, I cannot betray her like that. She needs attention and I hope he is able to give it to her.
I really do want her to have an amazing day, I just feel that from being such a special day it's one that I'm going to just have to grit my teeth and get through

OP posts:

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 13:33

I suppose the best you can hope for is that her fiancee gives her the attention she craves and so she nicer to the rest of you. It is really sad that you are so used to her threats

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/12/2011 13:38

But . . . it wouldn't be betraying her if you were genuinely concerned for her safety . Give him a call . . .

Original poster

rmm · 20/12/2011 13:40

Doesnot- I wish I could tell her. My mum has pleaded with me not to antagonize her. She has so many great qualities and then something happens and she turns I to a livimg nightmare.
She is so scary to be around when she is in a temper.
My poor parents are sai ts for having put up with her as long as they have.

OP posts:

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/12/2011 13:42

My mum has pleaded with me not to antagonize her

You're all tiptoeing around her. It doesn't help the behaviour in the long run.

Original poster

rmm · 20/12/2011 13:44

Thing is I KNOW my sister and I know what an attention seeker she is, even though she claims not to be.
So I know that whatever she does, she does to get maximum impact and she is very very good at it.
I don't know her fiancé well enough to call him and why would he believe a word I say?

Plus I'm feeling pretty awful over all the abuse that's been hurled at me, so I don't want those emotions to spill over and make be be vindictive iyswim

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 20/12/2011 13:58

If all this falls apart and there is tension at the wedding, or your dad and gran end up not going, please keep in mind that it's your sister and her unreasonable behaviour which has caused it and put you all in this awful position. It isn't anything that you've done.

You can't walk on eggshells the whole time, in the hope that she doesn't 'blow up' over some innocuous thing - it's completely impossible for you to predict what will cause her to lose it. The washing in the machine and the shopping sound like such innocent things, there's no way you could have avoided this situation, because you couldn't have seen it coming.

She's cutting her nose off to spite her face, by insisting on doing everything by herself. Ultimately, you can't control what she does, only your own response to it. The swearing at your mum is way beyond unreasonable. I'd leave her to get on with it, unless she asks for your help and apologises. If it goes tits up, then she has only herself to blame.

I don't think it would be a betrayal for her fiance to be told about all this. He is the one who will be closest to her in the future. At the very least she's got huge anger problems and he can't help what he doesn't know about. Also it seems fair to warn him. I think it would be best coming from your parents though.

She doesn't sound like someone who has lacked attention. To me she sounds like someone who's been given far to much of her own way,in order to avoid her huge tantrums and is now at the point that she now feels utterly entitled to it. She has ceased to consider anyone else's feelings. Your poor, poor mum. and dad.

Anyway, I still think that you should let her decide whether she wants you at her wedding. Her actions have consequences and if it turns out that your dad refuses to go, well that's down to her. It's not anyone else ruining her wedding, only herself.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 20/12/2011 14:03

She has so many great qualities...

...which pretty much count for nothing if she's going to be this hideous a person to everyone she loves as soon as things aren't going her way.

You must literally be unable to ever utter a completely honest word to her.

She sounds horrible. Really horrible.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 20/12/2011 15:23

She sounds like an utter bitch, but I think you might be enabling her a bit too.

You say part of the problem is that she's been babied a lot, but you seem to be annoyed because she doesn't want to let you help but wants to do it all herself. Aren't you at risk of babying her yourself if you try and help despite her rejection of your offer?

Don't baby her. Let her try and do it all herself. Let her fuck up. On no account step in at the last minute to rescue her when she makes a massive dog's breakfast of it. Ignore the bloodcurdling shrieks and use the time you were going to spend helping her to go to a nice spa, or read a book, or just spend time with friends who don't have a paddy when people look at them the wrong way.

Then turn up at the wedding, smile serenely, and talk to other people.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/12/2011 16:54

rmm Doesnot- I wish I could tell her. My mum has pleaded with me not to antagonize her. She has so many great qualities and then something happens and she turns I to a livimg nightmare. She is so scary to be around when she is in a temper.

She sounds absolutely awful to be around! Do you think she might have some sort of personality disorder?

I didn't mean to sounds flippant of the situation earlier when I suggested you tell her fiance, as obviously that wouldn't go down well. It would be handy if there were some other way of him finding out without you actually having to tell him. It might either bring her to her senses a bit or save him from a lifetime of misery.

whackamole · 20/12/2011 17:05

I think you should go, explain to your family that yes, you are still upset but you are adult enough to let it go for one day. Don't say it to them, but say it to her the day after - that you categorically will not put up with her shit any longer, and if she wants to kill herself over something so terrible then you will of course notify her husband so he can take the necessary steps to ensure her safety.

She is behaving like a complete brat and will not change unless she is called on it. It might be that she doesn't talk to you for a while, but TBH who cares?

Oh, and if she has a go at you at her wedding, she will only look like the crazy bitch that she is.

Pixieonthemoor · 20/12/2011 17:10

Do go to the wedding and if it helps, concentrate on the fact that you are being the Bigger Person as she sounds like an utter PITA. Weddings can bring out the worst in people and if she has the propensity to be a nightmare anyway then the impending nuptials will magnify this. Perhaps once you have some space from each other, you can tackle the situation, telling your parents for a start that you will not be putting up with this crap any longer and that the hissy fit throwing prima Donna needs to Grow Up!! Good luck with the stiff upper lip and all that!

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