i KNOW i am NBU - but i just need to vent, please! about friends awful H

[MistyMountainHop]

have posted about this prize tool before, so some of this may be familiar to some of you, apologies if so!

i can't tell either my friend or her DH what i think of him as it just won't be worth the inevitable fall out. i tried once but he made her life hell over it and stopped her seeing me, so i would like to have a massive bit of a vent on here if you don't mind :(

1, he picks on one of her DC. they have 2 DC and only one is his bio child (dc1 is from friends prev marriage) he bullies her., the other day she (dc1) started talking and he yelled at her to shut up. i wouldn't speak to a dog like how he spoke to her. he also refers to dc1 as "narcissistic" just because she is a bit of a show off at times. she's 5 btw and i think thats a terrible way to describe a tiny little girl :(

2, he controls my friend financially. she is a SAHM as her youngest is only 3 months. ALL her money (ie child benefit, tax credits and maintenance for her eldest dc) goes into HIS bank. and if she needs / wants money she has to ask him. he will fritter away money needed for rent / bills etc on expensive gadgets and suchlike. they are in mountains of debt.

3, he doesn't work. HIS choice. he has had jobs but quits after a short while. he enjoys boasting about sitting at home and generally laughing down his nose at all us suckers who go to work. (not benefit bashing btw, i have been on benefits and have zero problem with benefit claimants but i do have a problem when people brag in this way)

4, he controls my friend emotionally too, he has caused her to be completely estranged from her mum and best friend (long story). he also tried to break up several of her other friendships as well by poisoning her mind against people. and if she ever goes out without him (which is very rarely) he constantly calls or texts her

5, he does sod all with their DC, she does everything whilst also running around after him as well. and if she wants to go out without the DC he goes all funny over "babysitting"

6, he is "friends" with dozens of young girls (teenagers, he is 31) that he is always flirting with on facebook. he also makes sleazy, dirty comments to me and her other friends. yet my friend has ONE male friend that its not worth her while seeing anymore as her H is so jealous of him. oh, and this male friend is GAY ffs.

he is a horrible, cocklodging, controlling, waster of a bastard and me and all her other friends have completely got his number and i think he fully knows it. but NONE of us can say anything to either of them because she is completely in his thrall and she would fall out with us out of some misguided "loyalty" to him as he would emotionally manipulate her into ditching us. which would mean not only would we lose her as a friend but she would be even more isolated.

i am sorry this is so long but i needed to get it out somehow. i just hate keeping my mouth shut about all this, it feels like by me not saying anything i am condoning his dreadful behaviour and treatment of her and the dc :(

Your poor friend, I can't blame you for wanting to vent. It would get to me too. Does she know about mumsnet? Could you suggest it to her? It might be a way for her to chat about things without fearing judgement. Other than that all you can do is be there for her as much as you can. You sound like a good friend. Hopefully one day she'll wake up and you can be there to help her get away :(

Your friend sounds like me ten years ago. Very shortly after I gathered the strength to tell my ex that I wanted out. I really really hope your friend does for her and her daughters sake.

Gonzo would you mind sharing what was the tipping point that enabled you to gather your strength to do that? (Not being nosey, just thinking that it might help the OP with this situation)

gonzo i am so glad to hear you found the strength to leave

as vivi says, what was the tipping point? (if you dont mind being asked?)

and i hope you and your dc are happy now x

My sis was in an emotionally abusive relationship like this and it was so frustrating for us! What made her finally leave him was the potential effect on their ds. There's loads of threads about this kind of relationship in the relationships forum - or google emotional abuse to gain some insight

it is frustrating weasel isnt it :(

i am one of these people who has to say what i think though particularly when i dont agree with someone or something (not that thats always a particularly good trait! has got me into no end of trouble before!) and its maddeningly difficult to keep my big trap shut.

but when theres DC involved its even worse

personally if someone behaved that way towards any of my DC they would be out the door so fast their feet wouldnt touch the floor. how anyone puts up with it i dont know.

I know someone in a relationship like that and it's so hard to keep your mouth shut. Her Husband has cut her off from all her friends and most of her family. She's not allowed anywhere without him apart from work and god forbid she's late home. He's spiteful and nasty and controls every aspect of her life. He's a vile excuse for a man and i can't stand him. I've talked to her about it countless times so have other people and she knows what he's like but i don't think is strong enough to leave him. It's so frustrating not being able to do anything about it. I can't push the issue too much because then he'd cut me off from her completely too. As it is it's very difficult to see her.

superduper that is so, so sad, it seems there is a lot of these awful men about, why are they like it?

thats what my friends DH is like except my friend doesn't go to work, so she is stuck with him most of the time as he doesn't work either. yesterday my friend, another friend and i went out for a quick coffee, i picked my friend up and while i was there the atmosphere was horrendous, he was obviously pissed off that she was going somewhere without him and while we were out he must have rang her 5 times for various lame reasons

and i know what you mean about not pushing the issue, i did once and he pretty much banned her from seeing me for about 6 months. and as i said he has already permanently cut her off from her mum and best friend.

i guess for those of us that are strong women, its hard to understand why someone would put up with this kind of shit. and from someone who literally has no redeeming features. i for one would have slung him out a long while ago.