Would you play happy families with this man because "it's Christmas"?

[Xmasshouldbefun]

Have namechanged to avoid being outed in RL.

Earlier this year, FIL did all he could to split DH & I up. He said some really shocking lies to and about me and we stopped talking completely. DH felt like he was in the middle (things had been brewing for a while) and kept in contact with his father. We still saw MIL regularly but FIL refused to come to see our children due to his mammoth pride. He has recently started coming to our house again but we simply say hello/goodbye and that's it.

DH wants his parents to come to our house on Christmas Eve for food & drink from mid afternoon and stay late into the evening but I don't think I can do it. I can tolerate him coming over in the afternoon for tea and mince pies to see the children but to break bread and drink booze with this bigotted bully just feels impossible.

When he drinks, his tongue gets looser than ever and he is rude to MIL, puts DH and BIL down, and, given our recent history, I wouldn't be surprised if he has a pop at me, I retaliate and Christmas is ruined.

AIBU to want them to come just for a couple of hours early in the day, I will clench for only a short time and it will all be over before the children go to bed & the alcohol comes out so that DH and I can have a relaxing evening together?

I wouldn't have him in my house at all. There will be atmosphere and it will ruin the children's day!

Why doesnt DH pop over to MIL & FILs with the children on the pretext that you need a good few hours wrapping time?

Honour salvaged!

Yanbu! He's lucky you allow him in the house.

Your compromise is one you've already mentioned. Tea and mince pies, then you simply HAVE to go out because you've arranged a Santa Trip/have to pick up the turkey/promised the kids a walk.

Tell your DH that given everything that's gone on, you don't want to spend that amount of time with them in your home if alcohol is in any way involved, that you also accept he was always piggy in the middle and you're prepared to indulge him, to a point. If you need to, remind your DH who caused the problems in the first instance, and how it made him feel when you were attacked, ask him to understand that even tea and mince pies is over and above what you 'should' do, but that for him, you can do that.

And don't back down.

Don't have him in the house. It is YOUR house too after all and I wouldn't have any one, related or other wise in my home if the pissed me off that much.

Send DP to theirs. Done.

I think what trois has said is the perfect solution. If your FIL get's ar&ey, then your husband can leave with the children, easier than kicking the old goat out.

I don't play happy families with anyone especially when it's Christmas anymore. I'd rather spend Christmas on my own (and have done in the past) than with people who annoy/upset/irritate me

YANBU, you have been good enough to offer to have him in your house at all and that should be appreciated. It is taking the piss for anyone to expect you to have someone you don't like in your house on Christmas Eve.

Christmas eve is almost the best part of Christmas!

I couldn't have that man in my house after all he's done, I think you've been incredibly forgiving for allowing him back in, having to sit with him and pretend everything is fine and having a drink with him is pushing it in my opinion, you are perfectly within your right to say no.

If he is likely to get too well-oiled and start being a bit snidey and nit-picky I'd either:

Invite them over just for teatime with the excuse that you are going out to a drinks party in the evening and taking the children with you (and then just go out anywhere for a bit to get rid of them)

Or: Go to them instead, and that way you can leave after a polite but shortish time.

I would not have him in my house either, he sounds vile. Could you not pop into theirs for an hour or so over Christmas, than you can leave briefly.

YANBU. I don't understand why would you allow him into your house at all but given that you do, then your compromise seems entirely reasonable.

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure DH realises how much I have compromised at all. Even my mom, who is usually my voice of reason, said that I should never allow him to darken my door again.

DH taking the children to PILs is a sticking point due to FIL having been, in my view, a bit inappropriate with DC1 previously therefore I don't want him to see them without me. I haven't directly told DH about this (the inappropriateness) so I sort of dress it up using something FIL said whilst he was shouting at me. He hasn't abused my DC1, I just feel that what he did could be described as grooming.

Was meant to add that I don't feel comfortable in their house due to the falling out, his attitude and his previous behaviour so I refuse to go there.

WTF?!

How on earth can you let this wanker near your kids if you think he's fucking grooming them?!

I would suggest you tell your DH every reason you are uncomfortable with your FIL, or he may begin to think you're just being OTT, especially if he feels he's in the middle. He needs to know why you have such a problem.

Like I said, that is my view and I'm not from a touchy-feely family. I posted about this earlier in the year and was told that this was natural behaviour for people/grandparents and that it was me who was weird. I was also told that I should follow my instincts as he could be grooming my DC. I choose to follow my instincts and ensure that I am always in the room, watching him like a hawk and refuse to let him see DC without me. He previously told DH that he hates me scrutinising him, which makes me do it even more. Maybe he is totally innocent, a loving grandfather as others described him but I go with my instincts just in case.

Darts DH does think I'm being OTT but how can I say "I think your father could possibly be grooming our child" without him hating me? I'd rather he thought I was a bit crazy and over-protective and I continued in my 'mad' ways.

Well, I'm all for an above board exchange of opinions - are your children the only GCs? Is he the same with other children or does he single out one of yours for "special attention"?

I don't want to rake up what you have posted before - everyone must have opined at the time - but if its the latter and one child is singled out then you are perhaps justified in having alarm bells ringing.

Some people though are over-familiar without grooming. Just like some people have no perception of personal space. Its one of those things.

Eventually your DH will wonder why you won't let the children over to the ILs though.

Pick your moment, not on the back of something else, and tell him what happened. You can do it in a non accusatory way.

Our children are their only GCs; DC1 is a toddler, DC2 a baby. Sorry if it seems I am dripfeeding but linking to my previous thread could out me.

Anyway, apart from his previous behaviour to DC1 which I have a handle on (and is a different thread altogether), I'm glad that you all have said that I have compromised enough.