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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with my DH over Christmas

49 replies

chickydoo · 19/12/2011 10:30

I'll try to be brief. DH earns a pretty good wage, I earn a small amount.
My money pays for all food, petrol, phone, clothes for kids, school stuff and holidays, birthdays, going out and babysitting. (all my car expenses, and any household stuff from plumbers to lightbulbs) 3 kids 2 adults. This leaves me with 0 at the end of the month. I earn an average of £700 a month.
This christmas I have found things really difficult. We are having family over, and just buying the food has been a nightmare! I have a big family, and there are lots of kids to buy for, as well as buying for my own 3 kids. I pay for 100% of Christmas, DH buys one gift for me, that is all he does....Oh and carves the Turkey!! I have told him I can't afford the big food shop this week, all he did was shrug his shoulders. I think it will be beans on toast for Christmas lunch... he is so tight, AIBU to be very pissed off with him?

OP posts:

Ambrosius · 19/12/2011 10:45

sorry that took me ages to.type! does have money left over?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 19/12/2011 10:52

It's not how much you start with or how much you earn that matters. It's how.much you have left over at the end of the month. That should be equal.

He sounds like a git.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2011 10:52

Why don't you have a joint account?

If his take home is x 6 of yours, then that is £4200. Which by the time you have paid a mortgage and 2 sets of school fees isn't actually very much.

We have a similar household income to you by the sounds of things (if you are correct about how much your DH earns) and we could not afford school fees out of our current income.

Trills · 19/12/2011 11:00

If you are married then you are a team and you should have equal spending money.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 11:07

I can't imagine being in a marriage where money doesn't move freely between partners regardless of who earns what. Apparently it works for some but I just don't understand it.

FeebleFeebie · 19/12/2011 11:08

frankly i think you are equally to blame for not clarifying your finances at the beginning of your relationship

what wally allows a situation like this to develop and not say - oi hang on a min!

he is taking advantage and you are daft

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 19/12/2011 11:15

you need to sit down, work out how much your incomings are (combined!) work out what your outgoings are and then decide how to handle it. We handle it by my dh controlling all the Direct debits and I handle the day to day expenditure. If we've got a big month and the "housekeeping" isn't enough to cover it, I tell him and we take it out of our savings or he'll transfer some extra money to me - it works for us!

PattySimcox · 19/12/2011 11:18

exactly what Pointy has said

AristoKat · 19/12/2011 11:25

I agree it is not about what you earn, it is about what is left after everything is paid for.

I, like many others, simply do not understand such his/hers divided money. I know several couples who live like this and is causes immense arguments, it is difficult to divide who pays exactly for what, then what about emergency expenses like car trouble? The arguments are very much 'well I will lend you a tenner/a ton/however much' and they agree to 'pay it back'!!!

DH and I have been on a single income for a while. We are now on two incomes and I earn considerably more than him. Irrelevant. We have a joint bank account which all money goes into. All money from that goes to pay direct debits in another bank account. £70 goes to each of our own bank accounts to pay for our own little things (presents to each other, my hair, his cigerettes, that kind of thing), the rest is spent on food, gas, and if any left over into savings for holidays/emergency stuff/birthday presents etc (i say that, but this is new, this additional money so might not work out quite like that!).

We both work hard, we both share the responsibility of our family, we both therefore earn equally.

It just simply does not make sense any other way .

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 19/12/2011 11:27

He is tight as a monkeys chuff.

CardyMow · 19/12/2011 11:30

Joint bank account. All wages paid into it. All bills come out. Small amount for savings for Christmas/Birthdays etc. Some for bits for the dc. Split what is left equally. Food shopping classes as a bill. HTH.

Your 'D'H is a tightarse. HTH too.

Hulababy · 19/12/2011 11:30

I just dont get this idea of his and her money in a long term relationshop, esp a marriage.

DH earns way more than me these days - prob about 15x more and increasing each year. But we are a partnership. The reason why Dh is now in a position to be earning so much is partly down to the fact that I reduced my hours/dchanged my career meaning I can do the school pick ups, hold the fort in holidays, and as I work Pt I do more of the housework, etc. We have joint accounts for everything. We don't have or need seperate money. Dh would never begrudge me anything.

It doesn't sound like much of an equal relationship to me when one partner is struggling and the other is rolling in cash. Not fair int he slightest. to me your Dh is being very selfish.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 11:45

Ooh I got a 'what she said' :)

DH and I don't have a joint account - well, we do, but we are too lazy to use it properly. But all money is still shared. If one account gets a bit low we transfer money, we decide whose card to use for shopping etc. I don't think you need a joint account to share money, as long as you communicate properly :)

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/12/2011 11:46

I too think a joint account is the way forward; DH and I have done this since we first moved in together. I don't work at the moment but all money is "our" money

If I was in your position I would be tempted to actually serve up beans on toast for Xmas dinner to see his reaction

bubby64 · 19/12/2011 11:48

YANBU - We have a joint account which we both pay a set amount in to (a % of our earings) and all household and kids bills come out of this, that leaves a modest personal bank account for our own usage, clothes, entertainment etc. But, if one of us is short, the other helps out, and this tends to be the best solution for us. It gives us a little control over our personal spending, whilst getting the important things paid for.Food shopping is def a joint account thing - perhaps you should buy enough for you and kids, and your inlaws, and say if you and yours want a Christmas dinner- buy and cook it yourself (obviously tongue very much in in cheek saying the above, but...well...might he get the point?)

Yulewithadragontattoo · 19/12/2011 11:53

Why not have a joint account to pay bills, food shopping etc? If you still want some degree of independence you can set up a standing order from joint account to your individual accounts to have some spending money in. The situation you describe sounds ridiculous.

LittleJennyRobyn · 19/12/2011 12:09

I also never understood the seperate money thing, as soon as me and Dh (then DP) knew we were in it for the long haul we opened a joint account regardless of who was earning what.

But you seriously need to sit down with your DH and sort this out, as others have already said.
You are a family unit now but still teating finances as though you are not. It's not right that you are left with nothing at the end of the month. A joint account is the way to go.

TheRealTillyMinto · 19/12/2011 12:10

DP & i have a joint account. everything goes in there.

the only separate account systems i can understand is you both pay into the joint account, then anything left at the end of the month you split equally.

i dont understand why financial transparency is a problem in an equal partnership.

FriggFRIGGYPudding · 19/12/2011 23:30

Why isn't your money pooled?!

DP earns a pitence but EVERY SINGLE PENNY goes in the 'pot'
And we're not even married. (we have 2DC though)

Its not His money and My money,it is Our money.

FriggFRIGGYPudding · 19/12/2011 23:34

Err,I see that has been said a few times...

schobe · 19/12/2011 23:35

OMG. 6x700 = 4200 a month (take home?) and you pay for all those things?

Regardless of school fees he must be sitting on a fortune. Seriously.

Why have you not worked out what his outgoings are and both been aware that he has thousands left over each month? How did you agree on such a ridiculous split in the first place? Why the FUCK is your money not pooled when you have children together.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 19/12/2011 23:47

Hmmmm, agree that all money should be joint.

however, of his 4200 a good chunk of that could be going on mortgage, depending on house/location etc, plus school fees and bills.

Ultimately this is an unsatisfactory situation though so you need to sit down and agree a way forward

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 20/12/2011 00:06

Although a joint account could work (I'm sure it would for us if we could be arsed) it probably won't fix things. The attitude of 'his money' will be harder to change :(

redskyatnight · 20/12/2011 09:07

If OP's DH earns 6x what she does, he will take home somewhat less than 6 times her net pay (higher tax band). So it might actually be less than £4000, which as others have said could very easily be all gone on school fees, mortgage and bills.

The main thing to look at is what is left at the end of the month surely?

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