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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is excessive (Xmas presents)?

49 replies

hatesponge · 18/12/2011 18:47

Ex and I have 2 DSs, ages 10 and 13.

For Xmas, I have been told by DS1 that Ex has bought DS2 a desktop computer so he (DS2) can play World of Warcraft on it . And the game of course. And other small stuff.

DS1 says he is getting clothes (a pair of Vans, Hollister/Lyle & Scott type stuff), money, and another 'big' present though not sure what.

AIBU to think it's too much? (Not that theres anything I can do about it, it's up to him what he buys them, but it just seems such a lot...)

OP posts:

BarbaraMillicentR0berts · 18/12/2011 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kova · 18/12/2011 19:44

At the mo we have a laptop which all 4 of us share fine, dd is 12 and ds is 10. Works fine tbh but can see why some have 1 each.

The ops boy is getting a desktop, pretty difficult to have one of those each I imagine !

StealthPolarBear · 18/12/2011 19:45

OK if he pays nothing towards the children as routine then unless they needed a computer particularly (i.e. you would have ended up buying one in the next few months) then YANBU

skybluepearl · 18/12/2011 19:48

yes it is an awful lot but its fine for thm to be spolit.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 20:02

Well, if you are happy that he doesnt pay anything towards them on a week to week basis, and you dont force him to, then I am not sure what to say.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 20:06

I am naturally frugal, Ex isn't, and it doesnt sit well with me.

And for many reasons I prefer to manage without his money, and am lucky that I have a job and can support the three of us.

Hmm, to be honest, thinking about that, YABU. From the sounds of that, their father is only able to spend any money on them at xmas or birthdays, and they rest of the time they have to "manage", because you say so.

RillaBlythe · 18/12/2011 20:08

I'm really surprised by the 'it's fine for them to be spoilt/it's only once a year' stuff that I'm seeing here at the moment. It is never fine to me for my children to be spoiled. Funnily enough I had a conversation with my cousin today - he's 18 & refused a car his dad offered to buy him because it was too old. I do not want my children to display such entitlement & I think Christmas is very much part of that.

AsinineLadiesDancing · 18/12/2011 20:11

Isn't WoW an 18 cert game? I wouldn't be happy from that point of view.

Original poster

hatesponge · 18/12/2011 20:14

To clarify, I have never said to him I don't want his money, or that's he's not to pay me. He's never made any offer of doing so. Nor have I ever forbidden him from buying anything for the boys since we split. It's not like this is the only opportunity he gets yearly to buy them anything.

OP posts:

natation · 18/12/2011 20:18

In my house £250 on 2 children would be excessive, £500 doubly excessive. But it's my rules in my house and the rule is usually £50 max per child for presents.....so when we bought the Wii for example, it was a joint present.

BUT it's every individual parent's choice how much they decide to spoil materially their children. If a parent can afford to spend that much without going into debt, let them do it, it's when they spend to excess when they cannot afford it that I think it is rather silly.

The fact that parents are not together to me is irrelevant.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 20:18

WoW isnt an 18. Are you thinking of CoD?

mumnotmachine · 18/12/2011 20:24

Its irrelevant what other people spend on presents, and irrelevant if they get in debt to do so. It is their choice

I spend more than I should on mine, not excessive, I get carried away, I love buying for other people.
But I also save weekly with hampers and my pound pot, and dont spend more than what I have saved.

AsinineLadiesDancing · 18/12/2011 22:58

Squeaky

Probably, I saw a clip for CoD on here which was quite graphic...was thinking they were similar, but am obv wrong.

xyfactor · 19/12/2011 01:37

It's not a competition.
Well done for spending £250 on each of your children btw.
Give your children some credit in the fact they understand the difference between material things and care and support from you.
They seem to be going to have a great christmas and don't worry Op....it's not really that much of a big deal.

tigerlillyd02 · 19/12/2011 02:32

Would it be different if a mother, whom the child lives with buys their child a computer? Or mom and dad in a 2 parent household? Many do, you know.

I personally don't see the problem. It's what benefits the child at the end of the day and I'm sure they'll be quite happy.

And it doesn't mean you have to buy your DS2 one next year - where did you get that idea from? If he has a problem with it - point him in the direction of his father who can choose whether or not to buy another one for their house next year.

Gonzo33 · 19/12/2011 05:55

We bought DSS a laptop for Christmas last year because he was starting senior school the following September, and thought he would need it. We loaded it with the anti-virus software and all the microsoft products he would need.

Next year we will do so for my ds because he will start Senior School in September.

Normally we spend no more than £75 per child, although our normal budget is £50.

My exh likes to buy our ds all sorts of random things, mainly clothing from America where he goes every year for a holiday. He did buy ds a PS3 not long ago and sent it out to us, but it broke within a month and because he bought it with no warrantee he can't get it fixed (not brand new).

quirrelquarrel · 19/12/2011 10:24

The real issue for me would be an ex who'd bought a computer game for my kid without discussing it first...especially one which sounds violent (although I gather it's not as bad as the newer ones like COD). What if you wanted to hold off on that sort of thing? If it was me I'd be livid, because I hate kids playing on computers. Marginally better than a hand-held device, though.

I think 10 is the wrong age for a computer anyway. But that's not really the point of your question. I think what he's getting would be enough for one lot of presents. But if he gets the same amount or a bit less from you, it's a lot, yes.

FoxyRoxy · 19/12/2011 10:36

So your ex doesn't pay any maintainence, and has bought his child a gift that can only be used 2 days out of 7?

Ask him for monthly payments, if you don't want to actually spend it then put it in accounts for the DC's. When they're 18 it'll be a nice lump sum for them to put towards Uni, a car, a deposit for a flat etc.

Has X bought the computer already? If not a laptop would be a far better option and mean that your ds can take it between homes and use it in the week for homework. The amount spent isn't the issue, it's him spending it on something that will be used so little because of its lack of mobility.

You shouldn't have had to ask for maintainence, but since he has never offered a regular amount then you do need to tell him you require it. If he refuses then you'll have to look down the csa/court route. I assume he's working as he's spending so much on Xmas gifts.

squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 10:48

Foxy, OP says shes "prefers" to manage without him contributing. I wonder if that is some sort of control, or martydom. I cant see the point or fairness of it, as it is the children who have to do without, and it isnt their fault that their parents split up.

Marne · 19/12/2011 10:57

I think they are very lucky that they have a dad that can and will be buying them lovely gifts the christmas, after reading other threads it seems a lot of dads dont realy put much thought into gifts for their children. I don't think its too much, its things they will enjoy and get a lot of use out of, far beter than wasting money on tat.

FrothingBeserker · 19/12/2011 11:01

tbh, it does all sound a bit controlling on the part of the OP.

she 'prefers' to manage without her ex's money - what about whether her children would 'prefer' to have their other parent fully involved in their lives and providing for them? if nothing else, as another poster has suggested, you could be saving up the money (since you do not need it day to day) as a university fund/house deposit/first car fund/whatever.

and the situation regarding xboxes/computers sounds frankly ridiculous - Op you need to teach your children to share. there is no reason why one ds should not be 'allowed' on the others' computer, whether at your house or at your ex's parents.

you cannot control what other people (especially their other parent) spends on your children. it is ok for people to have different ideas of what is the right amount to spend. as long as your ex is not getting into debt over it, or not trying to live beyond his means, then what, exactly, is the problem?

FoxyRoxy · 19/12/2011 11:06

squeaky I agree, maybe the op doesn't realise the money isn't for her, it's for her DC's...

BarbaraMillicentR0berts · 19/12/2011 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 11:16

I don't think the computer is a problem - it could be really useful when they want to do HW at their dad's. I wouldn't be too happy about the WoW thing, as it can be an addictive life-consuming game... But then, if it's only accessible at weekends it could be ok?

We (well, actually DH, for once I can't take credit for this!) got laptops for each of his twin this Xmas. Only £50 each off ebay though, so fairly basic - wifi and word processing etc. They are 13 and currently share a desktop with their Facebook-hogging big brother :o so difficult to get HW done. Thought laptops are good as they can bring them here, no USB needed etc.

Their mum wasn't happy though. Because apparently this means we 'win' this year. WTF!

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