To be feeling sorry for myself?

[fber]

and actually crying.

My mum is dying, I'm in the middle of a huge hoo haa over where she is going to be, she's in hospital at the moment and is going crazy. I've had 3 people on the phone today crying at me from our family (I haven't been up today) It's just hideous. We're trying to get a care plan in place for her to come home and my stepdad doesn't want her back he can't cope. She can't cope, noone can cope. There's nothing I can do on a sunday.

I have 3 dc, 16, 3 and 2. I've deposited my 16 year old round at her bf's, she's probably shagging. I've tidied the house once, it's messy again, and I've been painting with the kids whilst dancing wiht them in the kitched to xmas songs and pretending to be happy and jolly.

my husband is in retail and has had to work today. He's just come home for a fag and he's had a 'dig' about 'what I do all day. All because I haven't taken dd for new shoes and got ds's hair cut. He said 'those are things that need to be done this week, mum!' (i know this sounds patronising but actually it's the way we involve the kids in our conversations and thus quite normal really.

Well, I went off on one. I said what the fuck did he think i did all day and he said, well, what do you do? I was gutted. I can sometimes be inefficient when I am stressed but I console myself that at least the kids are happy, entertained and fed etc, while I just try to make it through the day. I suffer from really bad depression which is brilliantly under control even considering the stress I'm under. I see a counsellor and take medication.

I was really bitter and nasty to him because I was hurt. I thought he understood. He said to my dd 'come on, let's get out of the house' and took her to our friends to drop off a present that i was supposed to have done, apparently.

I've got hardly and friends and all my family are in distress over mum.

AIBU to be sitting here crying? (the first time I've sat down all day, for some reason)

(((hugs)))) you sound like you need one. I'd probably react the same way in the same situation. Hope your dh realises what a prick he's been.

He sounds really unpleasant to be honest. Massive hugs from here.

What a knob, your mum is very unwell that alone is enough on one person.... Never mind everything else. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Really sorry to hear about your mum. You really shouldn't have to think about anything but her right now, hope your dh has a good think while he is out and comes back feeling more supportive.

Hi, firstly I am really sorry you're going through this terrible time with your mum. Do you have siblings who can share the decision making? I think your husband may want to help but generally men need you to tell them what to do and how to react (because mine always says that whatever he does is wrong in my eyes).

Are the two little ones aware of what's going on? I'm sure they're just focussing on Xmas at the moment. Let your older one be with her bf, depending on how close she is to her nan, she may well tell him and not you as she may not want to burden you any more.

If your mum wants to go home, then she will get help, through the hospital, from Marie Curie nurses (I think.) My mum did and they were wonderful. She died at home and left me and my Dad to cope, but she was home.

You don't mention a time scale, can you have one last joyful/tragic Xmas together, with lots of photos (I wish I'd had the chance to do that but I was a little afraid of being too jolly).

Do you get on well with your s/dad? Can you get together and try and make it a special time for your mum, she may well be scared and angry. Has she had the chance to talk to anyone, either in or out of the family?

I know how you feel, keep talking on here as someone is always around to help.

oh for god's sake what an insensitive idiot of a husband you have. the only thing you should be concentrating on at the moment is your mum. everything else can wait.

on his next day off, leave him to find out what you do all day and go and visit your mum.

Poor, poor you OP, sending you a huge hug. That is a really, really tough situation. i know what you mean when you are going through something hellish and you have to keep pretending to be jolly because of the DCs and yet it sort of keeps you sane. It is so hard. Your DH is being hugely U and insensitive, your mum comes first right now, that is obvious. Is there a hospice near you? Sorry, you may mean that your mum is in a hospice. There is one close to me, one of my dear friends is there now and by cruel coincidence another friend of mine died there at this time a few years ago. It is an amazingly comforting, lovely place. Certainly, in the case of my friends their DPs did not feel they could cope at home and the hospice was incredibly accomodating.

don't know if that helps at all OP but I am thinking of you.

Thank you for your kind replies. My mum has previously been in a hospice, then came home. She wanted to stay home but my stepdad has Parkinsonism and was really struggling to be around her, particularly as she was being v angry towards him. This latest idea to go to the local hospital was for respite, for a week or two. However the idea of her coming home is sending him through the roof with anxiety. He loves her very much though, this much I know.

Mum has congestive heart failure, and the doctors won't say how long she's got. She's incredibly weak but a real 'fighter'. Trouble is this doesn't make her an easy person to look after, she's been so independent until recently.

I feel certain we will still have her next week, although she has no interest in xmas (she used to love it, with the kids, etc)

I've just heard that my stepdad is coming round to the idea of her coming home as long as he is well supported. Before she went into hospital though, she had carers 3 times a day plus a 'babysitter' at night, either from the care team or from Marie Curie. So a good care package was in place but still my stepdad couldn't cope. I think she was being quite abusive in the interims between carers.

She just wants one of 'us' (my sisters and I) to hold her hand all the time. Nothing I'd love to do more right now, but I'd need to clone myself or something :( My sisters have full time jobs aswell, but between us we manage to be up with mum quite a lot. She's 20 miles away which isn't the end of the earth but neither is it round the corner.

So, that's my story. On the bright side I've just picked up my eldest dd from her bf and she has had a nice day, bless her.

Feeling more hopeful..