to ask

[maddening]

did the way you fitted in in school follow you in to adulthood? Did you change it if you didn't like it? Is it possible to change?

I was never in the in crowd, more of an alternative bod. Was happy at uni but doing art meant I was in smaller groups anyway.

left uni ended up working for large company and my recent redundancy has caused me to reflect on the last 10 years - so while I know a lot of people to chat to in work I again only have a small number of good friends and am not part of the big social network (prob doesn't help that I'm not one for going out on the town with people from work) but I wonder if it's just me and I'm easily forgotton/dismissed whereas others naturally draw people in.

given that I am now at a natural crossroad in my life and a new start so is it possible to re-invent myself and is it worth it?

I probably haven't explained myself v well and am not sure if I know what I mean exactky lol

I wasn't unpopular at school but never really coped well in large groups iyswim. Now, I still have a large group of people who would probably describe me as a friend but who I class as acquaintances - good for a pint in the pub, but wouldn't phone if I had a crisis.

But then, I'm always pleasantly surprised when people are pleased to see me!

just got on with it, much as i do now

ps I think I am thinking about this a lot as having become a mum within the last year and redundancy from a job spanning a third of my life has caused me to really reflect on my own identity and really question who I am and where I want to go - poss a mini mid-life crisis coupled with a lot on my plate compared to a couple of years ago and I've gone all philosophical - am running with it as a good spiritual spring clean is possibly a good thing - I think I was on auto pilot for too long and lost myself a bit

Some people are naturally gregarious or organisers and others aren't. I'm not gregarious by any means! I hate going out to parties etc. I'm much more of a meal or quiet pub person if I have to go out. Oddly though, the older I get people now seem to want my company at parties and things. To the point of endlessly nagging for me to attend. My idea of hell is a load of tanked up work collegues - but for some odd reason every year I get pestered relentlessly and every year I dont go. You'd think they'd get the hint by now.

I can only assume by bluntness is my lure - it doent transmit well on forums but I can say the most outrageous things that normal peopel would take offence at but my collegues just fall about laughing. I suppose it's in the delivery of it really. Mind you, they think I'm being humourous when I'm being quite truthful

Yep. I was completely invisible at school and spent all my time alone. I'm completely invisible as an adult and spend all my time alone.

troisgarcon - that is my ideal night out too - also meal or drinks round at friends and lovely chats- for my bday my friend is doing an afternoon tea round at hers with sandwiches and homemade scones

when i was at school i blended in not popular but not un popular iykwim. at out of school clubs i was popular for some reason, not sure if i did anything differently there to what i did at school to make me popular.

now since having ds i seem to be popular, i'm rather chatty and make friends quite easily, i think i over come shyness, i was a very shy person at school.

I think there could well be a correlation between how you interacted at school and the situation you find yourself in now. Be that a common thread between the two, or a reaction to the former that influences the latter.

I was friends with everyone at school, across all the cliques and groups, male and female, while never really pledging allegiance to any of them. It served me well, never had any grief or fallings out, yet always had plenty going on socially.

I'm exactly the same now, socially and professionally. I try and transcend deep emotional friendships, saving that level of investment for my loved ones. With friends, I prefer a varied and lighthearted approach. It's only just occurred to me while writing this post but these attitudes are reflected in my working life too, I'm self-employed and contract for a variety of retailers. I don't like the thought of commiting to one employer, and don't enjoy close-knit office environments.

I think your idea of a spiritual spring clean is a healthy one,OP. I'm not sure how realistic it is to reinvent oneself, but it's certainly worthwhile identifying aspects of your behaviour or character that you might strive to develop or rethink.

KladdKaka, I've really found out a lot from some of your previous posts on MN, and have found them very valuable. It has really made me change my perspective in some ways.

I think it is fine to be invisible if you are content in that way, but I certainly think other people are missing out by not knowing you.

I was a 'floater' at school and sort of hopped from friend to friend. I always moved on though, I've never had 'lifelong friends' -just people who were 'around'.

Weirdly, I would feel quite suffocated and panicky if I felt a friend was not temporary. I don't know why I'm like this but I've never really changed.

Interesting post! I spent my secondary school years feeling like an outsider on the edge of the 'in' crowd, and my years at university were very much the same. I suffered terribly for it-not being loud/confident/sporty/pretty/rich enough...
By the time I joined the real world-job, and later by having children I have pretty much stopped giving a shit-and I feel a million times happier for it :) Also have picked up friendships with people I used to know at school and realise that they never saw me as a hanger on-but as a fully integrated member of their 'group'!

OP-I think it is healthy to question these things for time to time-especially at a cross roads in your life-going with the crowd at school and accepting/doing things without thinking didn't make me into the person I wanted to be. 'Reinvention' probably isn't the ideal goal-being yourself is far far better!

At school I had three large groups of friends, then I had ds at 18, only one friend left who I see often, two I see occasionally (not even once a month) and I've struggled to make any new ones in 5yrs, I am very lonely.