Having a tube coming out of your side for the duration of pregnancy - AIBU?

[YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe]

For some reason, this is really bothering me and I want to know if IAB crazy.

I am normally perfectly healthy - I run, eat pretty well, have lots of energy etc. But over the last two years I have renal problems due to a birth defect in my kidney. I had an operation 9 mos ago that was supposed to sort it out, but for some reason my body didn't respond well, there were complications and have now had 4 ops in total and probably still not done :( I have a scan on Tues and the consultant is going to see me in Jan to interpret it and tell me whether I need further surgery.

But what is getting me down is this: I saw the consultant 10 days ago and there was a mix-up with the appt - I was supposed to have had the scan before I saw him and he was supposed to be interpreting it then - but they had forgot to arrange the scan so the appt with him was 'wasted' - so instead we just had a casual chat for 5 minutes about the possible outcomes.

During this, I said I wanted to get pg in the next year, and he mentioned that in the worst case scenario, a woman with my condition would have to have a tube inserted into her side, under the ribs, to drain the kidney during pregnancy - and it would have to stay there for the whole pg. You have to carry a little bag around that it drains into, apparently. This really shook me. I don't see how I could work like that. It sounds horrible.

I am the main breadwinner in our household and don't know if I could give up work for all that time + mat leave afterwards. I really want children but don't know if I can if this is how it's going to go. I know it's only a possibility but it's made me really sad. AIBU?

No Yanbu, that sounds horrible. I'm sorry for you :(

Yanbu - I think you just don't understand it properly.

One of my (male) friends had this years ago (if I understand what they are suggesting properly), it was the first time he could go away for weekend.

It wasnt at all visible and unless he told you, you would never have known it was there.

You can work, you can do everything like normal.

For friend it freed him up from some of his dialysis.

YANBU to feel sad, because it doesn't sound like a particularly nice thing to have done but do remember that it's only a possibility in the worst case, and unlikely to happen. Better that you are aware now and can have a think about it and find out some information before getting pregnant and then suddenly being told that really you're going to need one fitting.

Why would you have to give up work for all that time? People manage with colostomy bags long-term, so having a drain and a bag for a few months will require some adjustment - could you not continue working with it fitted?

YABU. Bit of a shocker for you but people actually do function perfectly well, even long term with a urostomy (which I assume is what yours would be)as well as various forma of catheter and faecal collection bags for stomas.

You wouldn't need to give up work. I had one of these bags for a few months and although it wasn't the best time of my life it didn't stop me working and doing everything I normally would do.

Only problem was that I couldn't wear dresses (it was summer time) as you need somewhere to hold the bag in place (waistband)

It really isn't that bad, just another thing to remember to do ie empty bag before going out.

Good luck with everyything.

dp's sister had a colostomy bag for 3 years and held down a job. Yes it wasn't pleasent and her clothing choices were restricted but she got on with life and didn't let it get to her.

some women get hypermesis (sp?) during pregnancy and vomit the whole length of the pregnancy.... now that is work restricting (it happened to my mother and she never missed a day, just kept sick bags by her desk but if she had been hospitalised she would have lost her job, and she almost was)

Some woman bleed and end up on bedrest, very few are lucky enough to work from home.

Some women end up on crutches or in a wheelchair from SPD

My point is you won't know until you get pregnant how it will affect you, whilst pregnancy itself might not be an illness for many woman it can make them very ill. If you have no back up in place you could end up in serious financial trouble by geting pregnant even if you're perfectly healthy to start with.

I wouldn't let a renal tube put you off pregnancy, but do be prepared for the fact that you may not be able to hold down a job for the duration even without a tube.

Okay, it's good to know that I wouldn't necessarily have to give up work - because I really couldn't - DP's salary wouldn't support us plus it's taken me about 11 years to get the job I have and it would require some serious thinking about to give up.

Thanks for that, it does make it a bit better :)

I can understand your reticence Yonder but I have learned that pregnancy is often not the glamourous state that we are led to believe. We expect to be glowing, looking trim in our maternity skinny jeans with our little neat football bellies and glossy thick hair...

The truth is many (if not most) of women struggle with the unpleasantness of pregnancy. You might have uncontrollable flatulence, crippling SPD, hyperemesis, or like me a high risk pregnancy which means most things (certainly anything fun) is off the cards - including sex, exercise, and after 20 weeks I will likely be on modified bed rest. I already have one DS who will be starting to toddle then and I know it's going to be bloody horrendous BUT you do what you've got to do to make sure that you and the baby are fit and well.

Sorry, I hope this doesn't come across as patronising as it's not meant that way. I really do sympathise with you as I find pregnancy so hard too.

YANBU that is rough! I would also be miffed.

I had a high risk pregnancy (they thought I'd go in to labour prematurely although I was induced in the end at 39 weeks!), I was on bedrest from 8 weeks, I had hyperemesis and kept getting dehydrated and had to go into hospital for 24 hours on a drip. Vile. But i was all worth it, I would do it again for the reward at the end.

Dd still has a tempory bag and has been given an amazing body suit that holds everything in so she can still wear everything other than short tops.

She has not returned to her 2 jobs as it involves violent people, but has otherwise carried on as normal, infact more healthy than normal.

I can fully understand your sadness though, but if it means you can have a baby it will be worth it

Lililolo - wow, bed rest from 8 weeks? That must have been tough. Kudos to you!

Bed rest from 8 weeks - !!! Okay, in a horrible way - don't take this the wrong way - but it does make me feel better.

I am just worried that I wouldn't be able to take vast amounts of time off work; nothing to do with glamour (ha! that doesn't happen now!!) and more to do with getting sacked. Glad it seems it might not be that terrible.

Sounds hideous. But I know someone with stoma bag, and two others who were on bed rest for the whole 9 months. You won't necessarily enjoy it, but you will survive to tell the tale

You wouldn't have to give up work, as others have told you OP. A close relative of mine held down a nursing job with a stoma. Nursing is a physically demanding job and she managed fine until she retired.

I also have a good friend who is a nurse with a colostomy and you wouldn't know unless she told you.
Hope all goes well OP

YANBU to find the thought of that upsetting and scary and off-putting.

People can and do live with things like that for large amounts of time though and it's only a worst case scenario that might not happen. And if it did, it might not be as bad as it sounds now, when it still feels like a bit of a bombshell being dropped. And I would hope that you would be supported through it by your doctors.

Is there any way you could start some sort of emergency savings fund so you have some peace of mind if you do need to take some time off? Or store your holidays for a paid leave of absence if necessary?

Thanks for that suggestion NoOne - I don't know, we are saving for a house so I guess I could use that money. I just have quite a competitive, long-hours-type job and am really suddenly worried about this. I haven't really taken any holiday days in over a year so maybe they would be understanding......

It would be illegal for them to sack you due to anything relating to your pregnancy.

YABU to be stressing about something that is the worst case scenario, especially when you don't seem to know much about it.

It is unlikely to happen, and even if it does it won't prevent you from working.

Maybe you should go back to the doctor (or find another to talk to) and talk about the possible implications of your renal problems on pregnancy. I expect you'll come out feeling reassured rather than worried.

Another I wasn't sure about that: I had a colleague who got very ill recently and she was sort of 'retired'. But it was terminal so I guess that is different.

Trills you are right, I don't know much about it - the trouble is that it is very hard to see the consultant - that's why I took advantage of the 'wasted' appt to ask questions. I don't think my GP is likely to know the stats on people with my specific weird renal condition having to have a particular type of procedure if pregnant, you know? And you can't just pop along to see a consultant.