This is so teenage-y but it's irritating me

[HumanFly]

My husband's ex girlfriend, from 6 1/2 years ago messaged him on Facebook the other night, essentially re-enacting the song Someone Like You, saying she saw he'd got married, she hoped he was happy, she hoped he'd never forgotten about her, that she'd never met anyone like him....

The background: we've been together 6 years. They were together for four, and broken up for about 6 months when we got together. In the beginning it was a bit uncomfortable - she would call me to cry about how much she loved him and she hoped we were happy. She continued to call on and off in the middle of the night, leaving drunken crying messages up until about a year ago. My husband is very firm - never answers or responds because he feels like it would give her hope and is of the view it's better to be cruel to be kind. Essentially on his part, they've had no contact for about 5 1/2 years.

I have no worries about him, and frankly, I just feel kind of bad for her. I'm not saying my husband is a god, but I know how I feel about him, how much I love him, how I'd pine for him too if I lost him too.

It's his parents that bother me. His mum was always very close to her, and they still talk, friends on FB etc. His dad, though I don't think is in contact, has a framed family picture of her in it and has yet to take it down despite me joking about how awkward it was to see it.

My PIL are lovely, lovely people who I have a great relationship with. But I don't think they quite get how the ex feels like a ghost hanging around. I don't feel I can ask MIL to not be friends with her (though my husband has fallen out with his mum a few times because he doesn't understand what they have to talk about), and I can't ask his dad to take the picture down because it's a group family picture of some very dear people and she happens to be in it.

But equally I am irritated by it all. I think I've been very reasonable, understanding but surely - where is there place for me with her ghost hanging around? I feel like it's all very unnecessary and yeah sure, some families maintain contact with their children's exes but my husband has told them several times it makes him feel uncomfortable too. AIBU to feel irritated or is it such low level stuff, I should let it wash over me?

Why is he friends with her on facebook if she has been such a PITA with drunken phone calls and he doesn't want contact with her? He should delete the message and block her if he doesn't want to encourage her. You can't really do anything about the PILs though, that's their choice to stay in touch with her.

I can see why it's irritating but you have to remember there was 'life before you' if you see what I mean?

The photo thing sounded bad at first but as it's a group family photo, I don't think it shows any disrespect to you.

Obviously your MIL can be friends with whoever she wants but if your DH doesn't want his ex to contact him on FB, he can always block her or set his message settings so only friends can contact him.

Yanbu

Sorry to clarify the FB message...he's not friends with her, she sent him a friend request with that message, which he rejected.

To the points about life before me, yes I know :) It's insecurity, I know but from the maths - I've been with him two years longer now than they were together - so their last Christmas as a couple was 2005, to put it in perspective. Haha god that sounds so petty.

I dunno....I should just let it wash over me, and I would have far more rights to be concerned if DH wasn't being so militant about not encouraging her. I just feel like - where is there space for me? MIL, a few years ago, unthinkingly told the ex about our miscarriage - my husband went off the deep end with his mum, but I really don't think there was any intent in it - she just chatters on and on and it came out. But it makes me wonder - what do you have to talk about? Again to put it in perspective - ex was 18-22 when they were together. I guess now she's 27/28?

YANBU, she is out of order chasing a married man

Your MIL was out of order telling her about the miscarriage...but other than that I'm sure she has plenty to talk about that doesn't involve either you or your DH.

As difficult as it is, I think you should just ignore....and ask your DH to block her on FB.

He's ignoring her, he loves you, he doesn't communicate with her. It's bloody annoying but ignore her too and like others have said, let it wash over you. Irritating though it is.

You could look at it another way and say that they are actually not helping her get over your DH by remaining in, what seems like, more than merely polite contact with her. It IS sad that she has not felt able to move on and while your DH is blameless, I can't help thinking that constantly being updated on what is going on in his life will not be helping anyone, least of all her.

I don't think the photo is unreasonable at all, she just happened to be the person in his life at the time it was taken, but in the context of her continuing to pursue your DH I can understand why it bothers you. As much as she clearly is heartbroken she is completely out of order for chasing a married man like this and clearly has zero self-respect, quite apart from any respect for you or your DH.

Good lord, are you me? I have exactly the same issues, right down to the family photo with her in it on his Dad's wall, except we've been together for nearly 8 years, married for 3 and a half and are expecting our first child next month.

None of this stops her staying with my MIL during cosy little visits, or my SIL and her DP spending Christmas with her, or DH's friends inviting her to their weddings, etc. This despite the fact she hurt DH quite badly when they broke up (left him for another man), and never repaid him the thousands of pounds he'd lent her when she got herself into financial difficulties.

I don't actually have any advice to give, really, just my sympathy and understanding. At least our husbands don't share their families interest!

Hahaha yes Jennyrosity, and as others have pointed out, at least our husbands don't wish for contact in the way their families do!

I feel for you, it sounds a lot more intense with your husband's ex than with mine. She was friends for a few years still with his friends, would come to his gigs with them etc but it wasn't an adult, we're still friends thing. It was getting drunk, causing a scene, crying, running off.

I feel for her, I really do - it must be awful to feel something for so long after you've broken up. I wish her well and for her to move on - partly because the echo of her hanging around is irritating but also, for her own sake. I've been there when in my early twenties, pined for about two years for someone I could no longer call my own. She was very young when it all happened - we are a similar age and about four years older than her, we worked together, I think she suspected he liked me (though it had absolutely nothing to do with their breakup, she finished it, we got together six months later).

To be honest, I was surprised about the FB message. DH hates social media platforms for this very reason, but as he's now self-employed it's a good PR tool. Within maybe three weeks of him creating a profile, she's sent the message. I don't get it. Maybe it's just me but when I saw my ex had got married, I didn't feel the need to send a message - I felt like maybe it would make his wife feel uncomfortable. No such boundries for DH's ex!

Thank you for all your replies though, truly. It's not a big issues with PIL, I love them very much and wouldn't wish to upset them or make them feel bad. I don't see their contact with the ex as toxic...but yes Vicky, I think they do enable her a bit. What will happen when we have children - will she call to congratulate, come to the baby shower, or cry on voicemail messages?

YANBU - this would irritate the hell out of me. My cousin has issues of having dumped a girl who was 'one of the family' and is basically still his sister's best friend. He's been with his current partner for 3 years now, but my Aunt still refers to his ex as 'the one that should be my daughter in law' and makes it perfectly clear they'd prefer her - the fact that her son doesn't love this woman seems to be lost on them.

Could your DH have another word with his parents? Make it clear while he understands they might be friends beyond the original "MIL/DIL" relationship, tell his parents about the crying calls, the facebook message and say it's clear she's not moving on, and their relationship with her might be stopping her from moving on. Perhaps he could mention to them her age, if she wants children herself, she's getting to an age where she really needs to stop pining after a man who's never going to take her back (make him say that clearly to them) and start looking for a partner. He could say it would be very cruel of his parents to give her false hope that he might change his mind while she wastes her most fertile years on something that won't happen.

Re you having DCS, I bet she'll cry and it'll be a drama all about her and how it should be her that's having his DCs etc. People like this are a nightmare, don't see that someone really doesn't want them to be part of their lives.

good luck.