Am I being unreasonably indecisive?

[independentfriend]

I'm single, aged 30 and have PCOS and am broody. [Really not enjoying Christmas stuff because it exacerbates the broodiness].

I've been considering since around the summer of 2009 having a child using a known sperm donor. But haven't done anything more about it than mull it over in my head for the past two and a half years (oh, and read MN to try to keep some perspective about the reality of life with small children).

I can write a lengthy list of pros and cons. But I still can't make up my mind as to whether I want to do it or not. I know I'd be very happy to be 'accidentally' pregnant [and no, that's not going to happen], but making the decision to just go for it and start looking for a sperm donor doesn't feel right. But then again, I'm not willing to accept now that I might never have a child of my own. I spend my professional life doing useful things for other people's children [am a lawyer] and I want my own at some point soon.

Pros
*Now is the right time to start trying, given my PCOS (and also given that I'm fairly sure I want to plan for around a four-five year age gap, so I don't have two under 5s in full time childcare at once)
*Apparently it's easier to have more energy for playing when younger than when older
*I've always wanted children. My desire for children is much greater than my desire for a relationship with a live-in partner. I've always been single and like it and don't see this changing.
*My mum is in her 50s. If I have children soon I'm likely to have more useful help from her than will be possible in 10 years time. If I delay having children I'm likely to have young children at the point when she's likely to need/want increasing care from me.

Cons
*lack of local friends/support structure - my family and friends live too far away to be called on in an emergency. I'd have to take a leap of faith and hope I meet useful mum-friends in antenatal classes and so on.
*my working pattern - I work long hours and that would have to give way back to standard full time hours and I'm not sure how I'd manage that
*[not really a con, but fits here] - it's an all or nothing decision, if I have children I can't give them back. I'm stuck with my decision for 18+ years.
*having a child using a sperm donor will have some sort of long lasting impact, particularly while they're young (once they're older, I doubt single parent families will look strange) where we will look 'weird' and 'alternative'
*potential long term impact on my child of not having a dad. I think this likely to be less bad than the impact of warring parents/parents in conflict after a separation, but needs to be remembered, I'm not just making a decision that affects me, but one that impacts on my hypothetical child.

I can't get beyond thinking about the above and deciding I don't want to make a decision just yet. But two and a half years after starting to think about it, should surely be enough time for me to have made up my mind one way or the other?

The only con i personally would seriously worry about is the emotional and psychological impact on the child/adult. Potentially never knowing or being able to trace their anon sperm donor/biological Father - if that is the case. What will you tell the child

I recall listening to a two hour radio programme where children conceived by sperm donors were against the method because of not being able to even trace their biological father. It really made a deep negative.

Of course they might not have represented every single person but i'm clueless as to what is appropriate in this situation.

This is something i might have to do in the future, who knows once i get my other issues sorted :)

she said she will be using a known donor

Will the donor agree to be in contact with the child?

If you have been thinking about it for 2 and a half years and still cant make up your mind i would say that you are still not ready for children.

Agree with cantspell.

Donors in the UK agree in principle to meet any offspring. Some provide a 'sketch' of themselves which the child can read when old enough.

I don't believe the child suffers from the fact of being donor-conceived if they grow up with the information and I don't think you will be seen as weird - we have told pretty much everyone DS is donor-conceived (medical reasons) and have not had one negative reaction. But we are a couple - I think if you're single you may find people say you are selfish not to give the child a father, so you'll need to have the courage of your convictions.

Is the 'known donor' from a website or a clinic?

OP I am sympathetic. I have a partner so not in your position but I have thought I wanted children for some time but partner not (and me neither, frankly) and keep thinking about whether we can afford it, physical effects, effects on career, etc.

At the end of the day, I have just started thinking - if I'm ever going to do this, maybe I just have to do it. Frankly most people on MN seem to be flying by the seat of their pants with their first kids, talking about how wrecked they are, how money is a struggle, etc - but they seem to make it through somehow. If you have a good job I reckon you'll just manage, like most other working mothers do. It seems from reading other people's posts like there's never a good time, you just take a plunge.

At least that's what I'm telling myself

I think you have plenty of time to think about this.

I also think it would be awful not to know your father - I really wouldn't want to explain that to a child. To be honest, I believe that people using sperm donors are putting their own need for a child over the child's need to know his/her family.

I've never understood why people would use a sperm donor. When you meet someone, you might weigh up whether they'd be a good father - you don't even get the chance to do that. So much of our make up is genetic. My children haven't lived with their father for ten years, yet frequently I see another way in which they are like him, either physically or intellectually or emotionally.

I do know what it's like to yearn for a child so badly that you feel nothing will be right until you're pregnant. But if you have someone to share that with, not just emotionally (though that is great) but practically and financially, the whole experience is a million times better.

Just because you are happy being single now it doesn't mean that you will be just as happy looking after a child and a career on your own.

And just for the record, your mum is in her fifties, you say? Most parents don't need care until their late seventies - she'd be mortified if you told her you had to have a child quickly, before you have to care for her.

I'm adopted and like many others am not interested whatso ever in my biological roots. I know many others are, and they are often the vocal ones, but it is not a given that any child will feel that way. I have never had a 'father figure' and have never felt I missed out.

I'm a single mum by choice, and although was in a long term relationship when they were conceived, we never co-habited. None of my DC now see their father (his choice) and they don't stress about this either.

So if you want a child and can ensure a decent life for you both, then go for it.

My Father was ever present in my life, I really wished he wasn't when i was a child, i hardly knew him. But i worry a child conceived by donation might not feel the same, it would be terrible for her/him and me...

I would if i were you. Maybe set a start date - say in a years time and bear in mind you might need clomid to help you ovulate properly. If you didn't have PCOS I would be tempted to leave 3 years or so. As someone who has struggled with years of infertility (and won), I wouldn't recommend leaving things too long. How would you feel if you didn't have children? Maybe thats the bigger question.

How's it going Peasant? I'm still fraidy cating around the issue. Visiting rellies this weekend and infants everywhere, I should really seize the moment as a prompt for The Conversation but I'm bottling it. Any progress with you?

Sorry to hijack thread, OP I've nothing very constructive to add other than you sound very sensible and good luck with whatever you decide.

I am pregnant currently and conceived using a known sperm donor (although I am gay as opposed to single).

I would advise anyone going down this route to do some serious research in order to be prepared for any issues that may arise as it's certainly not something to enter into lightly.

imperial I can only assume you are against gay people having children if you see no reason for anyone to use a sperm donor?

Would you say a woman who cannot conceive without using an egg donor is also putting her needs before the child?

About your questions - I'd be really honest with the child and tell them they were/are much wanted by you and that you are the lukiest mummy ever. Explain that you hadn't met a husband but that you bought a seed form a shop (child will find this very amusing!). That seed grew into you. You don't really have to tell anyone else do you? You may wish to let very close friends know though? Otherwise if asked about the dad you could always say 'hes not in our lives' and then change the subject or say you don't want to talk about it.

Also you will most likely meet some wonderful mums and dads as a new mum. I've made some of my closest friends since having kids and have found many positive male role models and marriage role models en route. Also you are likely to find care that fits round your working habbits if you look at a chil minder option. You might even find that one of your new mummy friends wants to set up as a child minder and is willing to be flexible.

BUMP!

Can I ask what other family you can offer your child? Very few families are "traditional" any more but I think it is really important for children to have a sense of family around them.

You mentioned your mother. Are there brothers and sisters? Cousins? Really properly close friends? They don't need to be local but I think it is important that people exist for your child.

I know this is horrible but have you also considered who would care for your child should anything happen to you? Having two parents usually, although not always, means two families of some sort brought into the child's life.

The conception you are considering means only one side of family available to your child so you need to make guardians clear before you set out. (Sorry if that is horrid but it needs to be considered).

Not every parent lives in close proximity to their extended families. Not every parent has relatives who are able to take care of a child in the event of their parents death. I for one do not have this available to me..

I did say they don't need to be local.

I know lots of parents don't have these luxuries Going. It is not a criticism, just something that, given the choice, might be worth considering. My ddad was left entirely alone when his parents died and it was really hard on him. He was 18 so didn't go into care but he still felt bereft.

I didn't take what you said as a criticism..i'm aware what the ideal situation is,,was just informing of my personal circumstances.. this is a subject i'm learning about as it may apply to me, after i sorted my issues out, if i do not meet the right guy...:)

Going you will meet the right guy

Dh and I have had to think about what to do as well though. Noone is immune from the issue.

I didn't just mean guardians though, I meant a sense of family for the dcs. This can be really good friends, it does not have to be blood relatives, just people who really, genuinely care and will be there for the dcs through thick and thin.

At the moment i haven't got friends like that either,, i hope to get one or two via getting out there.. Hence i'm not ready...yet.

I did join a sperm donor forum strictly for lurking and learning purposes. Tadpoles, but it was closed down because of negative media interest.

I'm 38 in March - tick tock...

38 is not too young. Many of my friends who are Mums were well over 38 before they had their first dcs and went on to have a few.

I have made great friends through antenatal classes so it could be that it all comes in a package.

It is just something to think about when you weigh up the pros and cons.

:) PCOS here too :(