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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be petrified of having a second child...

25 replies

1Catherine1 · 17/12/2011 23:33

I've always wanted a few children and my OH has always known this. After the birth of our DD he struggled to bond with her until she was about 6 or 7 months (although loved her very much) and told me he didn't want another. I just said give it a few years and then we'll talk about it again. They have bonded a hell of a lot in the last 2 and a half months and nobody makes her smile as much as he does. She is 9 mo in a couple of days and now he says he wouldn't mind starting to try for number 2 as it would be nice if they were close in age.

Suddenly I'm petrified that I won't be able to cope and that my DD will some how lose out. She is my little angel and I love her very much. When OH suddenly announced he was ready to ttc for baby number 1 (6 months after I announced I wanted a baby) I started immediately throwing obstacles in the way, finances etc but he assured me we'd manage and we have. Not sure if that is what I'm doing now. DD does take up a lot of my time atm but I give it to her willingly as she makes me so happy. Would another DC upset this dynamic? In theory I want another but I really hold my time with DD sacredly. I know this sounds a little silly but she is my whole world.

OP posts:

SebastionTheCrab · 17/12/2011 23:34

Give yourself time. There's no rush.

SquallyRose · 17/12/2011 23:44

I felt the same too, well, I didn't and tried again but secretly thought it would take ages to get preg and then caught really really quickly and panicked!! All the way through the pregnancy I was worried and not helped by peoples interferring helpful opinions but it was, and still is amazing and I wish I hadn't spent all that time worrying. There is 18 months between my 2, my baby has just turned 1 and we are all so close, my DD adores him and he her, they do everything together and are virtually inseperable and I found a second baby so much easier than the first becasue I trusted my instincts more and just felt so much more relaxed. Since the day he was born I have never looked back and throught I might have done the wrong thing and I don't feel my DD gets any less time with me because they have different nap times and she gains so much more from her relationship with him.
Good luck to you, whatever you decide :0

piprobincomesbobbobbobbinalong · 17/12/2011 23:49

She will still be your whole world. The new baby would also be your whole world. This is part of what makes parenting the incredible rollercoaster that it is - how can you love two people so consumingly? It doesn't seem possible, but truly it is.

Of course the dynamic of your relationship with your DD will change. She will be a big sister, she will be developing a new relationship with her sibling. But the dynamics of a mother/daughter relationship are always shifting and changing. Even if you don't have another child, your DD will start nursery, make friends of her own, start school, go to a party on her own etc. etc. It is part of her thriving, growing and developing and you will be proud of her as she takes each step along the way. But if you have a baby, then both your DD and the new baby will bring you joy and happiness, and their relationship with each other will bring you joy too (as well as moments of stress and sibling rivalry).

There is no hurry for you to have another child. Take your time. A larger age gap is not a problem, and can be a positive advantage (especially if your eldest has a very settled bed time routine, can take themselves to the toilet and is out at school for several hours a day ).

skybluepearl · 18/12/2011 00:16

I know a couple of men who have found it hard with the first child - one had male post natal depression I'm sure. With the second child the men were more prepared - knew what to expect. Also wife made some conditions - a cleaner etc ..

I've read that psychologists recommend a 2.5 to 3 year age gap to allow the elder child to have a full babyhood with complete attention. In reality different things work for differnt people. Smaller gaps of 1.5 years are hard work initially and its a bit like having two young puppies at the same time. The baby years are over with more quickly though. A larger gap has many advantages with the elder child being more independent and settled and understanding.

RobynLou · 18/12/2011 00:19

you've got plenty of time yet, I was the same about having DD2, kept putting it off. ended up with a 3.5year age gap and it's lovely.

maddening · 18/12/2011 00:24

piprobin - that was a lovely post . Was thinking of leaving a 2 yr gap but might have to go and romance dp now!

NoobyNoob · 18/12/2011 06:41

I know what you mean. DS is 2 in Feb and I'm three weeks away from giving birth to our daughter.

I'm fucking petrified!! How the hell do you raise two children? How do you make sure DC1 isn't left out? So many questions.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 18/12/2011 07:54

Me too. DD is four in Jan and I'm 2 weeks away from dc2. I keep looking at dd and wondering what the hell I'm doing, disrupting her little spoilt life and how have I possibly got emotional space for another. But it seems people do...

marriedandwreathedinholly · 18/12/2011 08:30

It will be fine when ever the next baby comes along. What they don't tell you is that second time round, you don't just get a baby - you get another huge cloud of love as well and it isn't a matter of making what there is already go round because it doubles if not triples as the family dynamic grows.

BlissfulMistletoe · 18/12/2011 08:39

i am a mum of 2, and beforw dd was born i had the same worries.

however it was fine, as the parent you make sure dc1 isn't left out you inclued them with the baby and also make sure you give them 1-1 time.

when dd was a baby, every saturday morning i would take him out on his own but also made sure he had 1/2 hour 1-1 time every other day.

now dd is 2.5 and ds is 5.5 they don't get so much 1-1 time but lots of sctivities we can do together

exoticfruits · 18/12/2011 08:41

Being your mother's 'whole world' is a huge burden as you get older. Benign neglect and a sibling to share it would make me much happier-especially as an adult.
There isn't just so much love to go around that giving it to another takes it from elsewhere-you can love a second just as much without taking anything from the first.

PeggyCarter · 18/12/2011 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedlesCuties · 18/12/2011 09:10

Think of all the lovely points and don't worry so much about potential negatives.

There will be plenty of love to go around, plus you'll be allowing your DC1 to show love to a little sibling. Awww!

exoticfruits · 18/12/2011 09:18

And when you are elderly the burden won't be on just one DC. My mother is very elderly and it it lovely to have siblings to discuss it with and share the memories-not have it all hinge on me alone. They are babies and small DCs for such a short time. You don't have to have a small gap, I have an 8yr one and it works brilliantly.

valiumredhead · 18/12/2011 11:12

And when you are elderly the burden won't be on just one DC I wish people wouldn't use that reason - in reality it's nonsense as it completely depends on the family and relationship with your siblings. My mum has had to care for her parents because her brother opted out completely, again the same has happened to a friend from a big family of 5 yet she is the one doing the caring and there is no communication with her other siblings. I will be in a similar situation as my sibling lives abroad so it will be down to me.

OP just see how you feel later on, and it's not obligatory to have 2 children you know, you don't have to

valiumredhead · 18/12/2011 11:13

exotic that came across snippier than it was intended. What I mean to say is having a sibling doesn't mean you would necessarily be able to share the burden.

2blessed2bstressed · 18/12/2011 11:33

I felt just the same...and left a gap of 3 years because of it - well, partly anyway. What you can't understand about it til it happens to you is that the amount of love you have always expands in direct proportion to the number of children you have!
I'm one of four, and my mum says that she loves us all in totally different ways, but equally.
As far as managing practically goes, I do think I found it easier because ds1 was out of nappies, at nursery, not needing to be in a pushchair or anything, so no double buggy required - but other friends think its easier to have 2 tinies. That's a list of pros and cons that you and your dh will have to think up very specifically for your own lives.

cory · 18/12/2011 11:35

No harm in either waiting or just having the one- plenty of happy onlies, but in worrying that your dd would lose out you are assuming that you are the only person who can be her whole world and give her what she needs. A sibling can do a lot too. I feel it is a great comfort to know that when for some reason I can't give dd, can't reach her, can't understand her, she can turn to her brother instead. It's not about looking after me when I am elderly, it's about the here and now, the pleasure and support they get from each other as young teens/pre-teens. And did as babies and toddlers.

D0G · 18/12/2011 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 18/12/2011 11:40

I'm due in April and I still feel the same!

My soppy git of a husband assures me that love multiplies, it doesn't divide, so there will just be a whole lot more love (and nappies, mess, noise etc etc) around. He's right, I'm sure of it.

NinkyNonker · 18/12/2011 11:42

And I agree completely with D0G, I feel almost resentful towards the second even though 'it' is very much wanted, cause I love dd so much I could just explode.

Artichohohohokes · 18/12/2011 11:47

I am going to go against the grain and say I had number 2 and wished I taken longer and had more time with DD1 as my whole world. I love DD2 a lot. Of course I do. But for me being a Mum of one was pure joy. DH & I treasured every moment. I look at those two years and know they were the happiest of my life so far.

My second pregnancy was hard, DD1 lost out on a lot of time with me as my head was down the loo and I was so tired. Then DD2 came and cried a lot. I snapped at DD1 who was so little and deserved better. She was just being a normal two year old but I was sleep deprived and over stretched and suddenly things I had cherished about her started to grate. For a year I think that deep down I regretting having two so close.

Now they are 5 & 3 and we are a fab team of four. The girls are close and I see the advantages. It's lovely now but it earn for the first year and I still feel guilty that DD1 didn't have a lovely unconditional parent between the ages of two and three and DD2 had a mummy who found bonding harder than with her sister.

It's just my experience. This thread shows we are all different. But with hind sight I would have opted for a four year age gap.

hohohEauRouge · 18/12/2011 11:50

These are all totally normal feelings. After the arrival of DD2 it took a while for everyone in the family to shift into their new roles but things are brilliant now and DD1 is absolutely crazy about her little sister (even if she does push her over every now and again ).

I remember people saying to me before DD2 was born that everything would work out and I just didn't understand how. I even felt guilty at one point about 'ruining' DD1's life. And then when DD2 arrived, everything worked out :)

ASByatt · 18/12/2011 11:51

OP, I think that a lot of parents feel like this tbh. I certainly remember blubbing about how I was going to ruin DD's life by having another DC about 20 weeks in, and I was not a weepy pregnant person in any other way at all!

All I can say is, I had been worried that having another child would 'halve' my love for DD, but of course all that happens is that your potential to love doubles instead! Plus you get all the extras of seeing the 2 of them interact etc.

All sounds very warm and fuzzy I know, but certainly that was my experience and I'm a pretty tough individual in other ways!

Original poster

1Catherine1 · 18/12/2011 12:59

Thank you all for your responses. I have enjoyed reading all of them and hearing that I'm not crazy and it is perfectly normal to feel this way. I did find my first pregnancy quite a challenge especially the first trimester so I guess I'm not ready to do that again until my LO is a little bigger. My OH likes the idea of getting all the baby years over all together but I like the idea of a baby enjoying the whole "babyhood" as a PP put it.

Thanks again

OP posts:

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