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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be ever so slightly p*** off about the professionalization of parenting

45 replies

fulllife · 17/12/2011 18:35

i mean, honestly, i m fresh mum to a 4,5 month old flower but im surprized how ive found myself ploughing through endless childcare manuals, studies about everything from early pregnancy infections to speech development and breast feeding. the amount of infirmation i have digested so far is mind boggling, i think its actually, so far, about half an undergrads degree worth of knowledge. i mean, how did people ever raise kids on intuition ( or intu if u consider it a dirty word)??? not that i would ever have the mental fortitude to willingly shut out all that InFORMATION out there... but surely, this is all just a little bit INSANE...

OP posts:

ShengdanRoad · 18/12/2011 09:16

Flower!

penguinpenguin · 18/12/2011 09:43

I didn't read any books, if I was 'stuck' I asked family/friends or googled or asked the parenting forum I was on. :) mostly I just try to go with it, DS is 8 now and I don't appear to have wrecked him!

Proudnscary · 18/12/2011 09:45

Never read baby books - took advice from a small handful of friends I admire and respect and closed my ears to all the other shit.

Intuition is alive and well chez Proud.

LeQueen · 18/12/2011 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 18/12/2011 10:14

What about the MN books then?

I found this site through the first Mums on Babies, which was a blinding revelation. People who had been there saying 'this works for me, give it a try if you fancy' rather than issuing orders like parenting gurus, each convinced their way is the ONLY way and your baby will come to harm if you don't obey their strictures. My job happens to involve assessing evidence and the truth of assertions so I knew the more dogmatic experts were over-stating their case.

The books I did enjoy were on infant and child brain development and were not dogmatic. 'How Babies Think' by, IIRC, Gopnal et al - a bunch of mothers who work in that area (can't remember precisely what, academic psychologists?) and talked about studies AND their own experiences in a fairly self-deprecating way, not a 'you must obey, this is the only truth' manner.

edam · 18/12/2011 10:17

forgot to add, I also took advice from my own Mother, the HV and other parents. Weighed it up, decided to try the bits that sounded good and ignore the ones that didn't. (My Mother has a fairly interesting take on the world but went a bit mad when ds was tiny - insisted bathing him in the bath was Wrong and it had to be in a baby bath in the sitting room. We don't have one open fire, we have this radical new innovation called central heating and don't have to do it the same way my maternal grandparents did in the 1940s!)

raspberryroop · 18/12/2011 10:41

Instinct is fine if based on solid knowledge/information - my SIL's instinct was to start all her kids on solids @ 6 weeks

Laquitar · 18/12/2011 10:54

It is nothing wrong with reading the books, take some bits and then apply some of them to your family imo.
But i've seen cases where the books cause more stress instead of help. For example if the book says that babies need routine and that chaos is not good for them it doesnt mean you must not see your extended family for 5 years. If your mum is coming from Australia for 2 days fuck the book and the routine.

The research says tv harms toddler's brain. Ok. But if you are ill and you let your toddler watch an hours tv it is not the end of the world.

Child stayed up on weekend - he/she won't end up a criminal.

Child ate a bit of cake at the party - he/she won't end up obese.

Some people become hysterical when they read research and surveys. And they don't even have a clue how the research/survey was done, where, why, by who and for what purpose. They think it is super brainy to find a piece of 'research' on the internet or book.

Trills · 18/12/2011 10:59

Instinct is fine if based on solid knowledge/information

That's not instinct then, is it? That's called making an informed decision.

swanrevelry · 18/12/2011 11:36

I think YANBU.
However, when things are going badly...baby's crying all the time, children having tantrums all the time, everything is just plain HORRID, that's when a bit of professional advice is useful. If no-one else is around to provide the advice in a loving supportive manner or model it for you.

I am always struck by how some of the best parents I know, now grandparents doting on their grandchildren, did it all without any handbooks, forums. BUT big BUT they were surrounded by family members all supportive, and the intuition/good parenting was passed on. They listened to their kids not because they had read How To Talk So Children Listen, but because their parents listened to them, or the old lady next door listened to them, or the auntie. Having meals at regular intervals, getting your children to help and be involved, and putting kids to bed at bedtime was all learnt behaviour not intuition.

raspberryroop · 18/12/2011 11:39

yes badly put - I'm mean its great to use your instinct but up to date information is also important. So sort of use your instinct in an informed sort of way :p

JamieComeHome · 18/12/2011 11:56

I see where you are going wrong OP - you need gardening books

edam · 18/12/2011 12:05

swan - sort of but there was a big vogue for parenting experts among previous generations. Bastards like Truby King who basically told parents to be horrible to their babies.

Booboostoo · 18/12/2011 12:10

I love books, they give insights into all sorts of things I know nothing about! When I got my first dog I got books on training, went to classes, talked to other dog owners, etc. It was a steep learning curve but it was worth it as I was then able to make up my own mind about what I had learnt and decide what worked in my case and what didn't. Same thing with my first horse and I haven't stopped reading and learning about dogs and horses since.

For me parenting was the same thing. I knew nothing about children so I set out learning. Reading books doesn't mean that I do exactly what the books say, afterall the books contain a lot of contradictory advice, but it give me facts, evidence and information which I can then apply as I judge fit.

skybluepearl · 18/12/2011 13:46

I loved reading all the info and chatting with friends about approaches, then sitting back and doing my own thing. I made an informed decision about how I wanted to parent. I wanted to parent better than my parents did - they didn't have any information about parenting and could have done with lots of help.

motherinferior · 18/12/2011 13:54

I had no instincts whatsoever. Never understood the mothers who said 'they knew their babies best': as far as I was concerned the baby was a complete mystery to me.

Mind you, I didn't read parenting books either.

It's a wonder the Inferiorettes have survived so long, really.

edam · 18/12/2011 13:55

I can attest that the inferiorettes are both lovely girls.

Gonzo33 · 18/12/2011 13:56

Never read a baby book in my life and have 2 cherubs. I went with gut instinct with both of mine and so far so good.

motherinferior · 18/12/2011 13:59

THing is, life is full of books to read. So many tomes, so little time. Parenting books divert one from the essential business of gory thrillers cutting-edge literature.

tethersjinglebellend · 18/12/2011 14:02

Baby and childcare books have been around for a very long time.

Dr. Spock published The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care in 1946.

John Bowlby formulated his important theories on attachment at about the same time.

You always have the option of not reading them, you know.

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