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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to think that you shouldn't slag off your MIL in front of DC?

25 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 17/12/2011 11:50

Friend has always been very open with her DC. Too open if I'm honest - but each to their own as it's totally her decision.

Last time I saw her she was slagging off her MIL and DC (nearly 11) started giving her opinion on the situation.

It was a daft Christmas issue - which I would have gladly discussed with her, but felt awkward discussing it in front of her DC.

DC has always been very opinionated and can be off with friends/family quite often - which I think may be a result of my friend discussing them in front of DD. She has been like this from a very young age and has even repeated very personal details to someone that has been discussed in her presence - causing huge embarassment to the person in question.

AIBU to think that a mother shouldn't slag off her child's grandparents/family/family friends in front of them to the point of it affecting their behaviour?

I would answer my DC's questions as openenly as possible but just think that adult conversations should be kept away from small ears.

AIBU?

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 17/12/2011 11:58

yanbu - she should come here to slag off moan about her inlaws instead.

Original poster

Newmummytobe79 · 17/12/2011 12:02

Good call YuleingFanjo :) ... but I don't want her to spot me

OP posts:

LoveHandles88 · 17/12/2011 12:03

YANBU. Now my dc is getting bigger, I've had to start being much more careful about the conversations I have in earshot. It is something a little difficult for me, as I am pretty good at talking in general! But at least I'm aware, and trying to be careful. I think that family/friends would pull me up on saying things they believed to be in appropriate in front of dc, especially family. I'm surprised that your friend hasn't been pulled up on it if her dd has been repeating things.

pippala · 17/12/2011 12:06

HOW TRUE!
Many years ago when our DD was two, our first and a very early talker.
We had both sets of GP for xmas.
She pointed to each person round the table. mummy, daddy, uncle D, Nanny, granda, witch!!!!! to MIL
20 odd years on it has never been forgotton!

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 12:07

YANBU

IMHO you should foster a good relationship between your child and their gps. This isn't easy if you don't get on so well. My DM and her Mil didn't get on and so we didn't have a relationship with our paternal GM. I remember feeling very conflicted; my dad must have felt awful.

I am resigned to having very different values to my ILs and disagree with them most of the time. I don't think it means you can't get along. I would never slag them off in front of my DS - they adore each other.

TheArmadillo · 17/12/2011 12:07

Sometimes when there are extreme issues in families these do have to be discussed with the dc (we are estranged from my parents and ds 7yo has been given a basic explanation as to why).

However as a general thing, no. Other adults should not be slagged off or their personal issues discussed with or in front of children, especially if those adults are people a child is expected to have a relationship with.

Issues a child needs to be aware of should be discussed with them seperately at a level appropriate to their age.

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2011 12:13

Yanbu. My parents (esp my mum) always niggled on about family when we were little which I didn't like, as we would feel aggrieved etc, I don't think children need to know about little niggles.

exoticfruits · 17/12/2011 12:21

YANBU. Her DC may be just like MIL-quite likely to have her genes, and in time DC and grandmother may be able to get together and have a good old moan about mum!
You should never let your relationship get in the way. Your DC isn't a clone of you and they have a different relationship.

AnaisB · 17/12/2011 12:23

YANBU - I resent the way my GM was spoken about as a child as it affected my relationship with her.

exoticfruits · 17/12/2011 12:25

Lots of people have difficult relationships with their mother and close ones with grandmothers-something to bear in mind.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 12:51

YANBU. It could upset the dc and they might tell them what you've said.

Groovee · 17/12/2011 17:24

My inlaws other DIL hasn't learned that her sons repeat what she's said to their gran! Causes deep hurt to MIL sadly.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 17/12/2011 17:33

YANBU.

DH can't stand his mother, and I can only tolerate her in short doses, but DD never hears us utter a word against her.

Rather like the existence or otherwise of God, it's for DD to have the scales fall from her eyes make up her own mind in time.

Clawdy · 17/12/2011 17:38

My mum constantly spoke bitterly about her MIL. I only remember her as a rather kind granny whom we seldom saw,but my view of her then was certainly soured by my mum's comments.Looking back,it was wrong of her to spoil our image of her MIL just because she disliked her.

giveitago · 17/12/2011 18:07

"AIBU to think that a mother shouldn't slag off her child's grandparents/family/family friends in front of them to the point of it affecting their behaviour?"

YABU - nobody should do this. Not just reserved for mums. I know as my dh does the biggest lobbying job against my mum on our lovely ds. Not nice.

OhForFFSSake · 17/12/2011 18:34

I had a lovely relationship with my GGM and have really fond memories of her. I had no idea that my GM (GGM's DIL) had an extremely difficult and tense relationship until I developed a similar problem with my own MIL as an adult. I remember my DGM sitting me down and giving me loads of fantastic advice on how to handle being married to the only child of someone do difficult. It was a wonderful moment that I'm really grateful to have had. So I think sometimes, just sometimes, it can be appropriate to let on that there's a problem. But I would never, ever run down my MIL in front of the DCs, no matter what the provocation!

CamperFan · 17/12/2011 18:47

YANBU, but your friend is.

cory · 17/12/2011 21:22

It depends. If there is an older relative in the family who is very controlling or critical or has strange ideas, then I think it is sometimes your duty to let dcs know that you don't approve of her behaviour however much you may love her and want to keep her happy.

My grandma used to tell the whole family that my adopted brother was not as good as their "real" children and was funny about his being of a different race- surely you don't think my mother should have let db think she was ok with this?

Also not sure if I am quite with you in thinking of a near 11yo as "small ears"- by the time mine got to that age they were fully involved in family decisions on all sorts of matters- including, occasionally, the matter of smiling politely and letting grandma get away with talking total crap though we all recognise that it is total crap. The alternative would be either constant arguing with elderly relatives or a complete undermining of values we were trying to instill.

The message I am giving is: you don't have to agree with other people, you are allowed to think they are talking rubbish. But you do have to be kindly and considerate when you talk to them. And if a question is so important that you have to question them (e.g. grandma's racism towards my younger sibling), then you have to do it respectfully.

It's the same message I give them about teachers too- heaven forfend I should want them to believe that Teacher is always right (I don't think dd's French would ever have recovered!), but I do want them to know that they have to be polite and thoughful.

TheArmadillo · 17/12/2011 21:26

I think that's a very good answer Cory.

Is it just a case of modelling behaviour or of actively teaching it IYSWIM?

I do find it difficult to teach my ds how to handle difficult people.

SausageWrappedInBaconSmuggler · 17/12/2011 22:01

YANBU though I do agree with what cory has said. Just because your friend has problems with her MIL it shouldn't upset the relationship her DC have with their grandmother.

Fennel · 17/12/2011 22:07

I'm not sure. When I was young there were lots of family tensions and arguments going on but the adults didn't talk to the children about these things, or in front of them. But I could feel the tensions and knew things weren't right, without knowing why things weren't right. Many children (well, me anyway, and I don't think I was that unusual) can sense atmosphere very clearly. For that reason I tend to talk quite freely in front of my own dc about problematic family relationships (we have a difficult family). So that they can understand a bit why Mummy is always in an utterly foul mood when her parents come to stay. etc. So they know it's not about them, for instance, but it's about me not finding my parents easy guests.

I realise this probably does affect their own relationship with family members but my childhood experience does make me quite sure that hiding things from children if emotions and arguments are all going on under the surface can be quite ineffective.

MrsShortfuse · 18/12/2011 17:13

If you had met mine one wouldn't be able to restrain oneself.

exoticfruits · 18/12/2011 18:08

It amuses me that people don't think their DC will take after their MIL-it is highly likely I would have said.

dogindisguise · 18/12/2011 19:38

YANBU.
I think my mum found her MIL quite hard going. She lived abroad and we used to go to stay with her about every other year for two weeks. One time we went away for a few days to stay in a hotel. My younger sister, then aged about four, told my grandmother we had only done this to get away from her! She had heard my mum say this.

My mum decided she had had enough of going to my dad's country of birth when I was about seven and we didn't see my grandmother again until my dad took us on his own when I was 13.

I am all for being honest and open with children but within reason. If it's someone's MIL, for example, it's their child's grandmother, and their relationship with that person will be quite different.

bigTillyMincepie · 18/12/2011 19:41

YANBU.

Unless the MIL is doing something entirely inappropriate which will have very negative consequences for the DC, parents should support the relationship between GP's and GC's. Even if they don't like their In-laws.

Flip