AIBU or was i re grandparents

[rootietootie]

Ok, bit of a long story, please stick with me, will try not to drip feed :) When i found out i was pregnant dc's father made it clear he was not interested (and has never paid a penny to dc) and moved to another country, coming home to visit his parents a couple of times a year, which i accepted. Once Dc was born, dc's fathers mother (dc's grandmother) said she wanted to play a part in dc's life and i was more than happy. She was a bit pfgc at times and not in a cute way (at one point she "offered" to raise dc for me, which was refused, she tried to convince me to change dc's surname to her married name (which was refused) and a few other questionables, but i trudged on because she genuinely did love dc). When dc was four i met someone who i am now engaged to and my dc (now 11) considers and calls dad. However when dp first moved in he made clear his disapproval of dc being around his biological father for the brief times he came home to visit. (Dp believed that if he could not so much as do the decent thing and at least contribute to dc's upbringing, he did not deserve the joy of seeing what a wonderful human being dc is). It did not really bother me, but it meant a lot to dp, and i asked dc grandparent and she was v. unhappy with not getting dc for the 2 occasions her son was home. I decided to respect dp's wishes and it resulted in grandmother cutting dc out of her life full stop. Cue 5 years later, she decides she would like to see him again, so i arrange for a get together for her and dc and this goes well. Dc sees her at her work (he can drop in and see her) and all goes fine for a few months. Dc then asks if he can visit her house and grandmother then drops bombshell that she thinks this is "too" much, dc is not welcome at her house and now just wants to give birthday/xmas presents and wait until dc is 16 when he can make up his own mind? Dc was v. upset at this and has not contacted grandmother since. Was i unreasonable in complying with dp's wishes initially and opening this can of worms? If grandmother sends gifts would i be unreasonable to send them back on the basis that if dc is not good enough to be welcomed at her house, then she has got a cheek sending gifts? Also in the last month dc's biofather expressed an interest in starting a relationship with dc, but dc made it crystal clear he did not wish this. I could have perhaps tried harder to convince dc to at least hear his bio father out, but tbh i just dont feel that way inclined. Is that also an unreasonable way to feel?

nanation, we never told her she was not allowed contact. She had access to my son 365 a years if she so wished. What we asked her was that on 2 of those days (when ex came home to visit) that she arrange for her son not to be there, or come visit dc at our house. She did not agree to this and it was her who cut off contact with dc. I could not force her to visit dc.

tigerlilly, I agree with this somewhat. I tried explaining that Dc was still the lovable laid back child he was when he was 5 and he would have been happy just to be at her house, even if it was just watching telly and having a drink of juice. I felt/hoped that gradually over time they would have got even closer.

faithless, legally ex has no right or responsibilities, financial or otherwise to my dc anymore, but regardless he is still biofather, and if dc expressed a desire to start a relationship with him, I would have done my best to facilitate it.

But rootietootie you DID change conditions of access, not the grandparents, meaning your son got to see neither his father nor his grandparents. I take it your son's father is not abusive towards you are your sons, otherwise you would not have allowed contact for the first 4 years? So the only reason the grandparents no longer got to see their grandchild was because of YOUR decision, not theirs. I'm not saying what the grandparents did later is any better, but certainly your decision to change contact conditions and subsequent cutting of access could have had a devastating affect on the grandparents.

Ok now your child's father is no longer his legally, so there is no legal grounds for the father to see your son, he has presumably consented to the adoption yes, so really unless post adoption "access" was agreed, I would find it a bit hard to say yes to access to him. But does that mean that the grandparents are no longer grandparents? Just accept their gifts, don't do a second wrong in sending back the presents, I think you will only come to regret it. Similarly the grandparents need to realise that, even though they might have been exceedingly hurt, their subsequent actions also have resulted in your son being hurt, let them live with their consciences and hope they will one day apologise.

I agree with a number of others - you were unreasonable a few years ago in letting your partner dictate your son's relationship with his father's family. He might have adopted him since but he was completely wrong to do that and YWBU to have let him. Now I think you have to build bridges with the grandparents on their terms, so please don't send back the gifts.

What type of man is your Ex? Could the Grandma have said no to visiting at home to protect her grandchild and herself from your ex?

not at all, my ex is a very placid laid back type.

I think that YANBU and neither was you DP, he is to all intents and purposes your dcs parent and your ex was not treating him well with the drinking and the ignoring. The gps are BVU to take this out on dc.

I think YANBU about anything.

Being a father is about more than biology. Your ex denied paternity, moved abroad to avoid CSA, didn't make any attempt to have contact. Your husband was right - this 'man' shouldn't be anywhere near your child.

I think it was perfectly reasonable to tell the gran that she could see the child, but not when her son was present. She chose to cut off contact at that point, so if the relationship suffered, then it's down to her. It is not on to keep messing a child around like this, and I would no longer give her the option of contact. Contact has done more harm than good in this case. I feel so sad for your poor boy - his bio dad and family are twats.

Your dh is your child's father. He adopted him, financially, physically and emotionally supports him - I think that does give him a right to say the bio dad shouldn't get the joy of a child without the commitment to said child. (Although on the whole I don't think a new partner should be given a say in contact with bio parents, just in your particular case, what he said, makes sense).

I'd tell the gran to bugger off and stick her presents up her arse. Messing your ds around like this is unforgivable. She's throwing her toys out the pram because she hasn't been given all her own way. Just because people are biologically related it doesn't mean they should have contact if their presence is toxic.

However when dp first moved in he made clear his disapproval of dc being around his biological father for the brief times he came home to visit

That sounds to me more like the OPs current partner is the one laying the law down and ensuring that the biological father has no contact.

snapes and karma, thank you so much, I was beginning to feel like I had really really messed up for my son, with everyone else saying I was being unreasonable. I did not start seeing dp on the monday and him making demands re dc's contact with gp's by the friday. We had been together for about a year, and the issue only came up because biofather had come home for the holidays and gp was due to have dc, prior to that I dont think it we had really thought about it. Dp had moved in by this point and as I lost all my tax credits, he was effectively financially supporting me and dc. Mp dp has very high morals more than me at any rate :o and was/is absolutely disgusted by my ex's attitude re dc, he finds it hard to understand, and thinks that by allowing contact of any kind, it would be sending a message to my dc (who was only 5 at the time) that this behaviour was acceptable without consequence, and for other reasons as mentioned. Dp always insisted that if ex was prepared to financially contribute to dc, then contact would be discussed, but this was never on ex's agenda! Although I never protested about it before, I could not disagree with dp's views as i found them to be reasonable expectations. I just didn't think that the little alteration to access would cause so much offence. Although I am still sad that gp felt she had to cut dc out of her life, but like I have said, dc has gained a father, and a very close extended family who all dote on him and spoil him rotten. He also now has a little brother, and ds1 would literally walk on hot coals for ds2!

Its a shame for your son though. I dont think anyone in this story really comes out shining with glory, but then again, I do think everyone has tried to do what they think is the best for him (except your ex).

Perhaps the GM doesnt think she should have to / could cope if your son and his father came face to face by accident?

I dont think there would be any problems if dc and ex come into contact. Ex usually just ignores him and has no interaction. I once asked my son (who knew that this was his father) when he was little if (ex name) played with him (i knew he was home for the weekend) and my son told me that (ex name) just sits at the end of grannys sofa and does not speak to him, and doesn't play with him. This was before I was with dp. My son is usually the laid back type and pretty much goes with the flow.

Maybe the grandmother is worried you'll take away her access again and break her heart again.

It sounds complicated but tbh it's not for your dp to interfer in - you should never have let him get his way. He may be like a dad but he is not your dc's dad and he has a right to see the family.

No one cut off the gran's access. The gran chose to cut contact herself, because she couldn't do exactly what she wanted.

actually princessscrumpy, in the eyes of the law, dp is dc's father now and entitled to as such to make decisions about who he deems fit and proper to see dc. Would you tell a birth adoption mother that she has no right to parent her adopted child? And thats almost beside the point, up until recently, ex was consistent in at least he made his feelings, or lack thereof, clear.

thank you karma, I don't think some people are understanding this and have read that I cut gp off from seeing dc.