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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to decline playdates with one particular 3 year old because I find it too stressful?

22 replies

MrsBeaver · 16/12/2011 22:00

My 3 year old DD has playdates with a girl of the same age who snatches every toy from her, has said she doesn't like my DD and has pushed my DD.

My DD doesn't seem to mind any of this, she likes the girl and her toys, but I am worried that my DD will think this is acceptable behaviour and if my DD started behaving like this, I wouldn't be able to cope.

The playmate's mum and 18mo DS are both lovely, My DD attends a pre-school, but will be an only child and has no cousins so I'm keen for her to have playdates. She has a few other playdates, but not regularly.

But I find the playdates too stressful to endure, so should we play or decline?

OP posts:

5318hoho8 · 16/12/2011 22:08

arrange to meet outside - park/woods/beach, wherever

or let xmas break be a natural opportunity for the friendship to peter out

OldGreyWassailTest · 16/12/2011 22:09

If the mother is there does she discipline her? If she's not there it is up to you to discipline her. Or you could explain to the mother why there will be no more play dates.

troisgarcons · 16/12/2011 22:11

She's 3 years old - she doesnt need a social life managed for her.

thepeoplesprincess · 16/12/2011 22:11

TBH I do think you're being a tad precious, especially as your daughter doesn't seem to mind. The other little girl is only 3.

Minshu · 16/12/2011 22:26

If the other mum has the 18mo with her, is she too distracted to discipline the DD? What happens when you tell her?

I gently "reprimand" friends' DCs for those types of things when the mum is too far away, try to be more on the ball with my DD. But toddlers will be toddlers.

I'd stick with it, to be honest, if you value other mum's company.

Original poster

MrsBeaver · 16/12/2011 22:59

The other mum has disciplined with the pushing and "i don't like you" but I feel she hasn't successfully addressed the constant snatching, which I find most annoying because of its frequency.

I find it really uncomfortable to say anything to the other child because their mum is there and I feel it should be their responsibility.

I do really value the mum's company and would love to hang out. And I agree I am being really precious, trying to shield my DD from bad behaviour. But children learn from others, don't they?

I guess I am managing her social life, because I don't want her to be lonely without siblings. Is pre-school enough of a social life for a 3yo?

Am still torn!

OP posts:

duvetdayplease · 16/12/2011 23:03

My rule is whilst my youngest is too young to have genuine friends he does what I arrange - so if it were me I would be too 'busy' to see that person for a while. You could always try again in a few months and see if phase has passed if you like the mum.

Once they are school age and have real friends I put up with their choices, unless there were a major reason not to.

She won;t be lonely without siblings, she'll be fine.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/12/2011 23:13

I would do as duvetday suggests and be "too busy" to see the for a while. The mum should be teaching her daughter that snatching isn't nice. My 2 and a half year old DS snatches from other children but I watch him like a hawk and make him give the item back to whoever had it first.

3brokentoes · 16/12/2011 23:14

Can you invite the friend to yours for tea without her mother? And then discipline her when she snatches toys from your DD.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 16/12/2011 23:16

First rule of parenthood I'm afraid - they don't necessarily like the children of the peopel you like and the older they get the less chance you have of chosing their friends.

If it's stressful why do it? You can catch up with the mum again when they are both at reception.

MrsBradleyJames · 16/12/2011 23:18

MrsBeaver, yes pre-school is enough of a social life for a 3 year old! In fact, imho, general life is enough of a social life and pre school is a tad much!! In that it expects a group of peers all at a similar stage of development to get along when that is a most unlikely scenario haha!

I have a singleton too - take it from me, it really doesn't matter at this stage, pre school and school provide the 'other child' time. When DS was younger I did arrange playdates but if I had my time again I really probably wouldn't bother, or only those where I like the parent and the children play happily together.

Original poster

MrsBeaver · 16/12/2011 23:20

Thanks so much for all your thoughts, it's really helping me.

I should have mentioned that we were busy over the summer and so had a break for well over a month, but when we tried again, the other child's behaviour had in fact got worse, she seems angrier.

So after every date I feel I should have trusted my instict and called it a day. But then my DD talks about her and then I feel bad for denying her that opportunity to play...

OP posts:

duvetdayplease · 16/12/2011 23:26

I'm gonna say this in a really nice way, because we all worry too much really, but I think you're worrying too much about your DD's social life! Just say 'um yes' when your DD mentions this child and then say 'oooh look at the [blank]' and your DD will move on to the next thing.

WilsonFrickett · 16/12/2011 23:33

So the mother disciplines the pushing and 'I don't like you' (which I agree are not acceptable) but not the grabbing (which is, um, entirely normal)? I think you are BU. but having said that, I agree with others - you are the one in charge of the diary so don't do the playdates if you don't want to.

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 23:34

I think it depends on the mothers approach to the hitting. If mother is passive and lets child get away with hurting others, then I would avoid play dates. If mother deals with episodes of hitting with time out/boundaries etc then I would feel better about it. Before meeting up I would also have light chats with my own child about how hitting is naughy/hurts and give lots of praise about how well behaved your child is and what to do if other child hits her. If the kids really didn't get on at all, you could look to adult only meetings in the evenings for 6 months, then try again maybe.

Tryharder · 16/12/2011 23:37

This really wouldn't worry me. If I like the mother, I would continue the playdates. If the child is naughty, then she's naughty. It's not the end of the world. I can't get worked up about kids playing up.

One day, it may be your DD who's being naughty or spiteful or whatever. How would you feel if other parents excluded you? Perhaps the mother is trying to discipline her child but the child is just not responding. How about showing her a bit of support and solidarity rather than judging her?

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 23:43

I am around lots of three year olds and only a small number of them snatch and they are usually the ones with less language skills. I would suggest you concentrate on taking turns and using the word turn. Encourage the other child to ask politely for some thing 'say - can I have a turn when you are finished please' and encourage your child to say 'you can have a turn after I have finished'. That way both children get to say what they need but in a nice way. I do think you need to make a stand for your daughter - she needs to learn how to make a stand in a calm but firm way. You could set a good example. You might even find the mum appreciates you co-ordinating and taking the lead with this.

mrspepperpotty · 16/12/2011 23:43

Agree with tryharder. If you like the other mum then stick with it, her DD will probably outgrow this phase soon and it would be a shame to have lost the friendship.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:00

I'm going to disagree with most. Constant snatching going unchallenged would piss me off. If it was the 18 month old fair enough but at 3 they are old enough to know you don't do that - or have it explained to them. The other mum is probably of the opinion that if your dd isn't making a fuss it's easier for her to just leave it but I don't think your dd having a placid nature should mean that her friend gets to constantly take things off her.
I can understand it's awkward saying something when the mother is there and ignoring it but I would probably say something generic like 'I hope you girls are playing nicely and not snatching because that's not nice is it?' and maybe the girls mum will take the hint?

mrsbingle · 17/12/2011 00:02

I'm in the too stressful-don't do it camp. I've got a couple of friends whose children I avoid, I don't do playdates but do see the mothers for evening or non-children things. I like them but their kids drive me nuts. I also have friends with well-behaved children so those are the playdate ones.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:03

Meant to say snatching stuff is normal and the op's child may well go through that phase. It's parents who let it go because they can't be arsed dealing with it that piss me off.

pigletmania · 17/12/2011 00:04

YABU they are 3 and your dd likes the girl, this type of behaviour happens, why don't you correct the girl. Like others have suggested mabey meet in the park and they can play there together.

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