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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Families and horses following a death

15 replies

struwellpeter · 16/12/2011 21:50

Complicated story, but basically it's this:

My dear Dad died a year ago, leaving 2 old horses, one belonging to him, one to his lady friend.

My uncle (DU) persuaded my cousin, to look after the horses with the estate paying the costs. Everyone felt this was a good solution at the time, but it was assumed by us that the lady friend would make some contribution towards her horse.

It soon became clear that my cousin was finding the care of 2 horses to be very hard, so I asked friends to find other long-term homes as I didn't want to put on cousin.

A home was found for the lady-friend's horse but my cousin refused to let the horse go, saying that the two had to be kept together. It wasn't possible to find a home for the other as she needed medical treatment.

I asked my cousin to respect the lady-friend's wishes and allow the horse to go but my cousin would not do so. Lady-friend refused to pay anything else. My DU was unable to talk sense into my cousin and we could do nothing but accept the situation as we are geographically very distant and could find no other home.

I have now had a very large bill from DU for the cost of both nags for the last year. I am furious. I am very happy to pay for my Dad's horse but absolutely refuse to condone and fund my cousin's actions.

My problem is this: My very dear brother, whom I love to bits and who is always so sensible in these things has said that I should just back off and not send that furious email at this time of year. He would prefer to come to a compromise. I am in absolutely no mood for compromise, but I can see that a lot of pent-up grief has been invested into this, so I am probably not being reasonable. What do you think?

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 16/12/2011 21:54

Send the bill back. They're just trying it on. You're not responsible for the horses esp. the lady friend's horse. He's chosen to take that horse on, so he'll have to foot the bill.

You wouldn't buy a car then expect a family member to tax and insure it and put fuel in it too. People will always try it on if they get the chance.

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2011 21:55

Your cousin doesn't have any say in what happens to the horses, they don't belong to her/him do they?

I wouldn't send the email, just write it but don't send, your sensible brother is right it wouldn't achieve anything and wouldn't make you feel better.

If your dads DP isn't paying her half, wouldn't you be better getting some legal advice?

squeakytoy · 16/12/2011 21:58

Who do the horses legally belong to?

hiddenhome · 16/12/2011 22:00

It sounds like one of them belongs to the ladyfriend and a home was found for it, but the cousin refused to let it go, so he's assumed ownership. If he's acted against directions from the owner, then he's stolen it.

Original poster

struwellpeter · 16/12/2011 22:00

My Dad's DP refused to pay anything when my cousin would let the horse go. I can'yt blame her.

I'm convinced in my own mind that we shouldn't have to pay, but what i don't know is the right approach to my uncle.

I did write an email to my uncle but haven't sent it.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 16/12/2011 22:04

The second horse isn't your responsibility. It's your uncle's responsibility to speak to your cousin. You can just explain that you don't want this horse and that if your cousin has assumed responsibility then he'll have to foot the bill. Just put the ball in their court. The cousin will have to get the horse rehomed.

purplewednesday · 16/12/2011 22:08

Sounds like your cousin has made the decision to keep Lady - Friend's horse so he has to foot the bill.

Why can't the Lady Friend (LF) keep (pay for) the horse?

Did the LF buy the horse with her own money originally or did your Dad buy him / her? I wonder if both horses are actually your Dad's. Surely if the horse really belonged to LF then your cousin hasn't got any rights to dictate what happens to it.

If LF has given the horse to your cousin then it is up to him to foot the bill.
Are there any papers denoting ownership?

Why not have the horse offered as a loan to be kept at current stables?
That way, the horses are kept together, cousin can keep an eye on the well being from a discrete distance, and the expenses are covered.

If you technically own the horses, you can sell the LF's.

Sounds really messy and you don't need this crap on top of losing your Dad.

Original poster

struwellpeter · 16/12/2011 22:10

Thanks for your posts. Yes, I know this. My problem is that I am so cross I am spoiling for a fight and I just don't think I'm being honest not to tell my uncle exactly what I think. DB doesn't want to create a family feud.

OP posts:

LisaD1 · 16/12/2011 22:11

Who legally owns the horses? If it is the cousin then that cousin gets to decide what happens to them and pay for them.

If it is the estate who are the executors? Could they not insist the horses are either moved on (I am involved with a small rescue and rehoming yard if you need a hand) or gifted to the cousin if cousin wants them but all associated costs then fall to them too.

Horses are expensive (years of experience and hard earned money talking) and old horses even more so!

Feel free to message me if you would like help to rehome them.

CalmDownDearItsOnlyALikeButton · 16/12/2011 22:12

I would write a polite letter explaining that his was his choice to keep both horses against the wishes of the ladyfriend. And I would want an explanation as to why he thinks you were responsible at all for the horse who has nothign to do with you or your father.

squeakytoy · 16/12/2011 22:13

If the horses legally belong to you and your brother, then you and your brother are responsible for their welfare (including bills), and you get to decide what happens to them. Its unfortunate if this isnt what your cousin wants, but unless there is paperwork in place that passes ownership to the cousin, then the legal owners have the final say.

Original poster

struwellpeter · 16/12/2011 22:18

LF offered to give her horse to my cousin at the very beginning but cousin refused as she said she couldn't afford to pay for it. However she has assumed all responsibility, but does nto have legal ownership. LF decided not to take the matter further (legally) because I was too upset and in the middle.

I do know about keeping horses and my cousin is an equine vet!

OP posts:

MonkeyTastic · 16/12/2011 23:06

OP - Did you sell these horses to your cousin? If not, what arrangements were in place to cover costs after funds from the estate ran out?

It is unclear why your father's estate isn't covering the care of the horses for more than a year. Are you hoping that your cousin's generosity in looking after the animals on your behalf (assuming the horses were bequeathed to you or your brother) will render her legally responsible for the costs and maintenance? If not, I think these horses might still be part of your father's estate and the responsibility of the benefactor.

PS Your suggestion of splitting up these old horses is massively unreasonable and cruel. It seems only your cousin understands this.

hiddenhome · 16/12/2011 23:07

You're cousin's an equine vet, but still expects you to pay for the horse? Vets aren't exactly hard up are they? Your cousin is taking the pee.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 17/12/2011 12:01

Tell your cousin that either he sells/moves the horse or he takes full financial responsibility. Simple enough. I assume you are happy to pay for your Dads horse?

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