Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To wonder if I'm bit if a freak

20 replies

Mrswhiskerson · 16/12/2011 19:02

I have a eighteenmonth dsamd love him with all my heart but when he was born I had no problem with other people holding him or having an hour to myself and when I went back to work I was actually looking forward to it, but a lot of close friends an family have had babies do everything with them find it hard to give them to other people and after six months still aren't ready to leave their babies (at all)
the reason I wonder if it is something wrong with me is I seem to be in a minority amonsgt friends/family and have noticed posters on here can't leave their babies with other people or in nursery , again I have no problem with this I want my ds to be independent and meet as many people as he can iyswim

I kind of feel like a bad mum in a way I'm not really a precious moments mummy like my own space and do enjoy a half a day to myself when I can , I love him with all
my heart I would die for him but it seems everyone around me loves their babies that bit more iyswim?? I probably could explain it better but my brain has switched off after a hard day .

OP posts:

wonkylegs · 16/12/2011 19:09

No perfectly normal - some people are more clingy than others but it doesn't mean they love them more or less.
I loved going back to work when DS was 7mths - it gave my life more depth (and somebody else got pooey nappy duty)
I have a great relationship with DS but I don't need to be with him 24/7 for that. He gets a happy mum and we get quality time together. I got less of a choice with the whole handing my baby over for a cuddle when he was tiny as I was quite poorly with my RA and often couldn't hold him for long. It didn't actually do our relationship any harm (had a few worries it would) and he's still a bit of a mummy's boy albeit a generally very confident and independent one.

marzipananimal · 16/12/2011 19:23

Don't worry - I feel like a bit of a freak because I've never left my 15 month old for more than a few hours, and couldn't contemplate a night away from him yet. I'm sure we're all normal in our different ways :)

Jajas · 16/12/2011 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2011 19:29

You're not a freak, everyone is different that's all.

I had no problem leaving my babies with my parents, sister and MIL but I wouldn't put a non speaking child into professional care or allow anyone I didn't know well to look after them, unless absolutely necessary.

That's my personal preference and you have yours.

It's the way the world works...no rights and no wrongs on this matter.

Insomnia11 · 16/12/2011 19:35

I'm the same, I have never been away from them for more than three days but I've never had any trouble leaving them with someone else for a few hours!

I also don't really get why people get so upset when their kids start school, for us it was such a happy and exciting time.

It's funny because I'm not an unemotional person in general, I'm easily moved and cry quite frequently.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 16/12/2011 19:40

Totally normal here. bf and I went for a coffee on the day our youngests started school because we didn't want to go home without them - whilst drinking it we decided to buy a bottle of champagne and crack it open in the sunshine. Must have been 10 by then .

happy2bhomely · 16/12/2011 21:07

Everyone is just so different. I didn't leave mine with anyone other than family until they started school nursery at 3 1/2. I didn't leave them with DH until they were 1. I don't think it makes me a better Mum. I don't think I love my kids more than other Mums love their children. I just feel how I feel!

I feel like there is a string between us thats starts off wrapped tight around me (almost too tight!) when they are born and it slowly unwinds. My 11 yr old is now on quite a long loose line, (I have to give it a tug every now and then!) The 22 month old is still at just an arms length.

It feels right to me. Do what feels right to you!

troisgarcons · 16/12/2011 21:13

No, you aren't a "freak" - every other culture except westernised ones have community upbring of children.

Frankly - the mainstreak westernised "needy" parents are the freaky ones.

Observe parents who dont micro-manage and helicopter and see exactly how rounded and social their children are - as opposed to the ones who act as their childrens shadows.

ChristmasPlughole · 16/12/2011 21:27

Don't worry - lots of other parents are like this but it's not a great conversation piece whereas 'oh I cannot bear to leave little jimmie' is.

After a while you'll gravitate to similar parents who love their kids but are happy to leave them in [gasp] paid care sometimes.

I work three days a week and don't have any good sahm mummy friends. Personally I find them flakey and over invested in their children. But that is just my experience.

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 16/12/2011 21:38

I'm pretty much the same as you OP and I don;t think we're freaks, just different. I;m happy for people to hold my fairly new ds, it means I may be able to eat a hot meal every now and then! I know that I won't be happy for him to be babysat by anyone until he's about four months (and that's only if I can gather enough boob juice so he can be fed), but just having a bit of time so you can, well, just be you, and not you with a baby attached, is really important to me.
My older DS stays with his GP's every now and then. I know he's safe and happy, and it gives us a break too. There are times, though, when I'm desperate to have him back!

thefurryone · 16/12/2011 22:08

No you're not a freak, I was also quite happy for others to have a hold of my newborn, and I'm really looking forward to getting back to work in the new year. DS will be in full-time nursery, I will miss him and kind of wish I had more than 2 full days a week with him, but I don't wish he wasn't going at all IYSWIM.

I did go through a stage where I thought that other people would think I was a bad mother if I indicated in anyway that I didn't want to be with him but that was during a particularly sleep deprived period where I started to get a bit paranoid generally. Ironically what would probably have helped was leaving him for a few hours to get some sleep!

redexpat · 16/12/2011 22:39

Hello. OP are you me?

ledkr · 16/12/2011 22:52

me too.as lomg as i know they are with someone who loves them and/or is good with children then i love the break. I had a really hard time with dd2 she was poorly and i spent ages in hospital with her totally neglecting dd1.When dd2 was 4 months i went to paris with dd1 for 5 days and had a fab time spending much needed one to one time with her and relaxing.Dh had dd2 and we spoke several times a day,i knew he was looking after her as well as i would so didnt worry at all.
My older boys all live independently and whilst i love to see them had no trouble letting them go nor did i cry when they started school. Love em all but have needs too. Everybody is different,no right or wrong.

Wittsend13 · 16/12/2011 22:55

You're not a freak. I'm pretty much the same. I am happy to leave the children with my parents no problem. Family members are fine too. Tomorrow I'm attending a funeral so DS is going to my cousin for the first time. I pray he remembers her otherwise I hope she doesn't call me back to calm him down as he screams the village down lol

Goolash · 16/12/2011 23:36

Of course you're not a freak and I'm sure you know that. You are not a bad mummy and t'others are not precious. It's that old adage that everyone is different, so are their children. But life is a hell of a lot more intricate than such crappy expressions, there's so many little things that affect lives. Then people express themselves differently. One of my friends will go on about how they miss, feel bad, cry about something. One will go on about how busy they are. I always express myself from the other stance, it wasn't that bad, I survived. We are probably all feeling pretty similar things.

I went back to work 4 days a week after maternity leave, I missed my first very much, but I also enjoyed going to the toilet, eating lunch etc Glad to drop off and glad to pick up . I became a long term full time sahm later and still enjoyed time away from my offspring. As a sahm I'd had no problems using gym creches. My youngest didn't really like it but my sanity wouldn't have survived, I think his has ;)

Other people haven't always viewed me as so relaxed. Despite sending my first to nursery from 6 months it wasn't viable overnight or a couple of days. He was breastfed until 1.5 years and would not take a bottle, also not the best sleeper. So whilst we could get by during work hours, he needed milk and a routine of sorts.

I'm currently hearing Chinese whispers about me being difficult about not wanting to leave my infant school child. I have no problem, except that there is no one to take him. There is one option but I know it'd make one child very upset.

I dunno.

musicposy · 17/12/2011 00:03

Don't worry yourself over it.

I was one of the clingy ones, hated DD being even looked at! A friend of mine was totally opposite, couldn't wait to get back to work and even more couldn't wait for them to start school, whilst I sat silently sobbing for months.

Our two eldest girls are teens now. I have a fantastic relationship with my DD. And guess what? So does she with hers. They go shopping together, make jokes on facebook - you can just tell that friend absolutely loves and adores her daughter and they get on really well. And this far down the line, both our girls are strong and independent too.

Do what feels right for you. Feel what feels right for you, And don't worry about how you think you should feel. The road is a long one and being happy for others to take your baby for a while whilst you have some free time - well, you save a lot of sobbing in a corner.

TroublesomeEx · 17/12/2011 07:29

I was a bit more like you than the 'clingy' mums, everyone's different.

I had a friend who was very much like musicposy describes herself, where as I loved looking in from the outside at my DS's developing relationships with other people. I took it as a sign that I was teaching him that the world was a good place, that people are nice and that he knew I was going to be there for him at the end of it so he had no need to worry.

We're talking about toddlers here rather than babies, I never had the chance to leave DS with anyone, for even an hour, until he was over 2. Get out your tiny violins.

My friend worried that if her DD was happy to go to other people it meant she wasn't 'securely attached'. I assumed that because DS was happy to go other people he was! Again, like posy both children are now happy, secure and well adjusted teens.

callmemrs · 17/12/2011 07:57

Don't mistake clinginess and neediness with the amount of love you have for your child.

You sound absolutely normal to me', and are raising a normal, emotionally healthy child.

Some mothers are very needy about their children, in extreme cases even excluding the dad from normal things like bathing, putting to bed, taking baby out. (have you ever seen the threads from women who don't think their husband can look after his own child in the 'right' way?!- very scary). So when other mums raise their eyebrows and tell you they couldn't possibly leave their child for an afternoon, or go back to work, remember that they are talking about their needs. It's not measure of love or good parenting

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2011 08:09

You're not a freak, there is no right way, but neither are you ensuring an independent child. I have never left 16 mo old dd, and she is annoyingly independent, it is a personality thing!

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2011 08:11

Ps: I wouldn't call anyone else a freak, but likewise don't like being called clingy or needy...we're neither, we just don't see a need for us, personally, iyswim.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread