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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is MIL being cheeky?

55 replies

Matches · 16/12/2011 16:03

We are going to MIL's for Christmas for the first time in ages.

We have had a strained relationship in the past. She wasn't a great mother. She is much harder on DH than his younger 2 siblings, and is much more giving towards them. For example, she babysits for them on a weekly basis but was very grudging when we asked her to babsyit for the 2nd time in a year, even though she likes our children. Bottom line is that DH has no expectations from her and we haven't asked her for anything, so she hasn't babysat for us for over 2 years.

However, things are jolly if superficial and the day should be fun. DH's youngest brother and his family are also going.

One thing is bugging me though. MIL is notoriously difficult to please with presents and has been known to throw them Xmas Hmm back at the recipient if she doesn't like them.

DH is bordering on terrified of displeasing her, so always asks what she wants. She always chooses something expensive. This year it's a kindle - £89. Now to be fair, she's not to know that we're really struggling financially at the moment, and aren't spending that amount on each other. But... still.

What really grates is that she never expects anything from the second and third son, even though she has done so much for them (her ds3 lived with her for a year recently after a relationship breakup). It's always H that she puts the big money demands on, even though her ds2 is far wealthier.

As well as the present, we are contributing to Christmas dinner in several ways, including booze. Again, her ds3 is likely to contribute nothing.

DH thinks we should just buy it for her as then she has what she wants and can't complain, and it's easy to get. He wants to know my view. I said it's up to him, but inside I'm a bit seething. I think it's cheeky to ask for a present that much. AIBU?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 16/12/2011 18:04

She sounds horrrid, grasping and greedy, with a distinct lack of manners. My mum would hate it if we spent that much on her. I would not even contribute to the gift, just get her wine and choccies, or some nice smellies, if she does not like them and gives them back all the more for you Grin. Or get her an Amazon voucher for however much you can give, and tell her its towards a Kindle

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 18:04

and so would MIL, she would be Shock if we spent that much on her.

RachelHRD · 16/12/2011 18:21

She sounds delightful Xmas Hmm I would either do the all 3 DS's buy the Kindle or I would make her a photobook of your DC's - if she throws that back at you I'd tll her where to go!!

Matches · 16/12/2011 19:53

Thank you for all your responses and solidarity!

Love the idea of getting her a goat. Baaa.

There is so much more I could detail about her behaviour, she has behaved outrageously at times.

Whoever said we made the mistake of asking what she wanted - I agree absolutely it was an error, but I absent myself from the 'we' here: I am all for just choosing something on our own from the kids and being done with it, but DH, bless him, gets so stressed about choosing presents for her that he prefers to ask her.

I haven't actually seen her throw a present back at someone, that is from the period pre-me. I have however been part of a converstion where DH and I were asking BIL what he wanted for Christmas, and MIL butted in and said "what about me? No one ever asks me or gets me what I want". At which point all three of us turned round rather outraged, and pointed out that was blatantly untrue. The previous year DH and I had got her an office chair as requested - again something that was about £80.

I also know that she never really gets DH a birthday present, although she does the others, and when DH and I took her out for lunch to a smart restaurant with the kids for her birthday, she talked fondly of the time we took her pre-kids to an even smarter (but overpriced) restaurant. Sigh.

I like the idea of the brothers clubbing together but the middle brother is odd and never gets her anything or talks to his other brothers much. His wife sends MIL a card and buys a token. The 3rd brother may be up for it. I'll put the idea to DH.

DH and I have argued about his mother a lot a few times before, so I don't want to rock the boat too much. I think the tesco amazon voucher idea is a great idea and will strongly suggest that. Because tbh, I do wonder if MIL will end up complaining if she gets a kindle anyway.

According to DH, she was under the impression that the kindle came pre-loaded with all the books in the world Xmas Grin He said he put her right and that she understands she has to pay for most of them, but I can't help wondering if that will still Not Be Enough...

OP posts:
kdiddy · 16/12/2011 20:16

According to DH, she was under the impression that the kindle came pre-loaded with all the books in the world

Xmas Grin That is hilarious!! (And possibly belongs on the thread about parents and technology!)

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 21:11

God op she sounds like a bloody nightmare, I personally would take no crap off her if she was my mother or MIL. Sounds like a spoiled brat who never grew up! She has done nothing for you or dh and your family, yet expects these wonderful presents and treatment Hmm, sod that for a game of soldiers. Your dh should grow a pair and be more assertive.

cantspel · 16/12/2011 21:16

Give her a £5 amazon voucher then she can buy herself a book for kindle once she has gone out and bought one herself

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 21:23

she doesn't know that you are skint - so tell her and ask for cheaper gift ideas OR ask brothers if they want to go thirds on it. It could be a gift from all three of you.

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 21:25

yes or a voucher at an affordable amount - with the word 'to put towards buying a kindle'

Appuskidu · 16/12/2011 21:41

She sounds incredibly rude!

What does the younger brother have to say about her attitude to your DH? Has she ever been confronted about the disparity?

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/12/2011 21:43

BoiledEgg That's awful!

OP She sounds like an arsehole! Your poor DH! Has anyone ever mentioned to her that she never gets your DH presents but does the others? I think I'd be pointing these things out (probably in a PA way but who cares).

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 21:47

Oh yes Glue next time she is rude enough to tell you what she wants and 'what about me', I would ask the question 'what do you get dh then'.

Jux · 16/12/2011 21:47

Contact the two BILs, tell them she wants a kindle and tell them it'll be 30 quid each. Then collect from them before you actually buy it.

Jux · 16/12/2011 21:52

If you do get it for her, pre-load it with all the free ones - Plato, Homer, Descartes, and then there are tons of freebies which I'm not sure that anyone would really want to read. Have a look, it would be great fun choosing.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 16/12/2011 21:56

Preload it with this?

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-ebook/dp/product-description/B003Q6D5PM

Matches · 16/12/2011 22:11
Xmas Grin

Oh oh oh, HOW tempting?
I've read Toxic Parents. It's a great book. A classic in it's field, in fact. A New York Times #1 besteller. EVERYONE should read it, no?

The reason we have a better relationship with MIL these days is because in the 18 months DH and I have shouted Put Her Right.

He certainly has been assertive with her, but he also tends to take the path of least resistance when it comes to present buying.

OP posts:
KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 16/12/2011 22:22

I am sorry OP but your MIL is a sick bitch, a useless mother and a user.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell her to piss off

CrapBag · 16/12/2011 22:27

I would make a point of getting her NOTHING!!!! and telling her why.

What an ungrateful, grasping bitch she is.

I refuse to buy for people like this.

One year I got MIL a lovely professional photo of DS and we framed it. It just laid on the side under a pile of books. I now refuse to have anything to do with her presents and many people in my family are getting copies of DS's first nursery photo, MIL is not.

voscar · 16/12/2011 22:46

I'd get her nothing and tell her that since you always do such a terrible job of picking gifts for her that you didn't want to insult her with a poor choice.

Then explain the kids made something instead - since everyone loves a gift that MEANS something.

And I'd say it with a sickly sweet smile. and in front of everyone.

What a horror!!

YuleingFanjo · 16/12/2011 22:54

why doesn't DH ask his brothers to contribute towards teh kindle?

Jux · 16/12/2011 23:15

Ferrero Rocher. If they're good enough for Ambassadors, they're good enough for anyone.

{Disclaimer: I won't touch them as they are vile}

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 16/12/2011 23:26

I am really struggling to understand why on earth DH is even still in contact with her when by the sounds of it she has spent his life making him feel worthless.

And I like Ferrerro Rocher.

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 23:30

JUX are you serious, Ferrero Roche are lush, I would love those as a Christmas pressie Smile

runningwilde · 16/12/2011 23:42

Why do you bother trying to please her so much? She is a bully and a bitch!

pigletmania · 17/12/2011 00:06

Exactly running I would not get the bag anything with that ungrateful attitude, you don't expect that behaviour from a child and certainly not a mature adult who should know better!