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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want FIL for Xmas day only?

17 replies

bonkersLFDT20 · 15/12/2011 10:54

We invited my FIL to spend Xmas day with us. We will be staying away from home in a small cottage which can only (just) sleep the four of us (me, DH and 2 DSs) so we did say that he would not be able to stay.

Rather than say accept or decline he said he'd let us know (giving us the impression he's waiting for a better offer) but that he might be able to come in the days afterwards.

We really don't want him to book a hotel or B&B and spend the rest of the week with us. He's a nice man and he is an important part of our lives, but it just changes the whole dynamic if you know what I mean.

DH and I have had a difficult time in the last couple of years. We are back on track, but it's very, very important we spend time just being our little family without anyone else intruding (not just FIL, anyone).

AIBU?

OP posts:

OhTheConfusion · 15/12/2011 11:22

Whether you AIBU really depends on a few things:

How far away is the cottage from FIL's home?
Does he normally spend christmas with you? Does he eva anyone else to spend the day with?

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 11:23

We invited my FIL to spend Xmas day with us

DH and I have had a difficult time in the last couple of years. We are back on track, but it's very, very important we spend time just being our little family without anyone else intruding

So why invite him then?

diddl · 15/12/2011 11:27

Well I think Christmas Day & Boxing Day would be acceptable tbh.

But it´s not his fault that you need time as a family, & he he doesn´t know that you do, he might wonder why he can´t stay longer.

Would it really be a problem if he had Christmas elsewhere & saw you all for a couple of days, or is the offer Christmas Day or nothing.

(Think he´s rude if he is waiting for a better offer, though)

AlexTasha · 15/12/2011 11:29

YANBU. You didnt invite him to stay for the whole week so why does he think that you want him there the whole time? At least you invited him to spend christmas with you. How far away is it from his home, would he need to stay overnight if he was to spend Christmas with you?

Original poster

bonkersLFDT20 · 15/12/2011 11:30

squeaky, he told us he was spending Xmas eve and Xmas day morning with DH's sister, then asked us what we were doing. I told him but didn't say any more (rather awkward).

Talking to DH later we agreed that it would be pretty wretched for him to spend Xmas day on his own. So, we invited him. Spending Xmas day with him would be nice. Him being around for 3 or 4 days will be too much.

confusion The cottage is about a 2hr drive from his home.
We normally see him over Xmas, but not always on the day and we don't always host.

OP posts:

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 15/12/2011 11:31

A father is for life, not just for Christmas.

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 11:32

Your SIL wouldnt kick him out at midday though would she? Give her a ring and explain it to her, even if she is off somewhere else for lunch she may invite him to go along with her.

Also, some people do enjoy their own company, so he may be quite happy to go home and watch tv in peace after a hectic Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning at your SILs.

Original poster

bonkersLFDT20 · 15/12/2011 11:41

Pom I agree. My Father is being looked after by my siblings

OP posts:

Seona1973 · 15/12/2011 12:13

I wouldnt want to do 4 hours driving on xmas day (which is what you are asking him to do if he doesnt stay over)

amerryscot · 15/12/2011 12:15

I am feeling very sorry for the OP's FIL. It is so sad to be old and inconvenient, but presumably with an open wallet.

You have all the Christmas holidays to play happy family, and every weekend of the year.

MabelOranje · 15/12/2011 13:08

I really detest this "our little family" term that crops up on MN. When did your FIL stop being his son's family? How will you feel when your DSs (or more likely their wives) decide your not their family.

Pah!

Original poster

bonkersLFDT20 · 15/12/2011 13:49

Seona No, he would be quite happy to stay in a hotel. The cottage is tiny.

Amerry I don't regard him as old. I would feel the same inconvenience if it was anyone, not just him. Open wallet? Who said that? No, we do not have all Xmas holidays. I have the standard leave everyone has. If FIL is around for 3 or 4 days, that leaves only a few days just the four of us. We do not have every w/e because my DH works every other Saturday.

Mabel Should I say "nuclear family" then? This term doesn't crop up only on MN, it's a recognised unit. When did I say I don't regard him as family? I would like to think that when I am older I would never make my son's feel I am imposing myself upon them.

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkersLFDT20 · 15/12/2011 13:54

"sons" not "son's"

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 15/12/2011 13:56

get your DH to let him know he's only welcome on Christmas day.

SarahBumBarer · 15/12/2011 13:59

I'd wonder if my marriage was worth saving if it depending upon not having my FIL for an overnighter at Christmas.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 15/12/2011 14:03

I have this theory that the type of daughter-in-law you are is the type of daughter/son-in-law you'll get back.

OhTheConfusion · 15/12/2011 14:26

Do you live near FIL now?

YABU if you are driving to a cottage close(ish) to him and expect him to drive a 4hr round trip (in possibly horrid weather and dark) rather than let him book into a hotel for the evening and see you both days.

YANBU if you stay close to FIL and see him all the time, are going away for a break and don't want the break to be with him too. Call SIL and ask if FIL will be staying for lunch with them as you are away on holiday for christmas! However, YABU to nvite him when you don't want him.

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