to put my own family first

[fber]

Please be gentle with me..

My mum is very, very poorly. She hasn't got long left. She is being looked after at home by my stepdad and carers come in 3 times a day to wash her and stuff. She has the district nurse once a day and between the care team and the amazing Marie curie nurses someone stays with her at night. We've been told that, theoretically, she should be coping with that care and myself and my sister helping out too.

Trouble is this. My sister has a full time job and she has run out of holidays. My husband is in retail and I rarely see him at this time of year. He just sort of rocks up on xmas eve and everything's done. I'm self employed and don't get paid if I don't work.

I'm running down my work to a skeleton service, but I have the kids to look after all the time from the end of the week. We have very little support in terms of childcare, and taking the kids up to mum is beginning to stress her out. (I've got 3, 2 of which are under 4.

I'm feeling horrendously guilty that I am not up there all the time with her, holding her hand. But I'm torn. If the kids come with me she ends up wincing at the noise they make, and if I leave them behind.. well I can't leave them behind, as I have noone to look after them.

But I suppose my question is this: Am I being unreasonable not to stay with her overnight? Technically this is possible, I can go up in the evening, stay over and come back at breakfast. But it's fucking knackering. Mum is awake every hour and I don't get a wink of sleep. Even when she does a good stint of, say, 4 hours, I still can't sleep. I think it's just very scary. consequently I am knackered the next day and fit for nothing. I've done it a few times and I honestly don't think I can do it and still be mum to my kids the next day.

My stepdad is capable of providing everything she needs in the time when the carers are not around, but mum is at the angry stage and shouts at him all the time. He's at breaking point, his health is not great either, and, well, he's old. :(

I am just wracked with guilt, AIBU not to be there with her more?

No, you're NOT being unreasonable. You'll make yourself ill. It sounds like you're all under so much pressure and doing more than what you can. I really do feel for you all.

YANBU at all. She cared for you when you were a child - now your job is to do the same for your own children, and some day they'll hopefully do it for theirs. I'm sure she and your stepdad understand that you're doing all you can.

One thought though, just a for-instance - could you take a couple of days to look after your mum while your stepdad has the children? It might make you feel more useful and it would probably do him some good to be around lively young people for a bit.

All the best to you all.

Really feel for you, you are definitely not being unreasonable, it is a hard situation for everybody involved.

Is there any chance of respite care?

Would it be possible for her to go into a nursing home?

I know that the latter isn't ideal for you, but you and your family are obviously under a lot of pressure and your mum needs so much help, help that she could get in a one-stop-shop, if you see what I mean?

I really feel for you, my nan has dementia. My mum is one of 3. She is the only one who works full time, the other 2 do the bare minimum and mum is still the one who runs around and drives herself into the ground (of the 10 grandchildren there's only 2 of us who help!!) Nan is yet to go to the 'bad' stage of dementia - she is quite pleasant, able bodied and coherant - but she is slipping and things aren't always going to be this straight forward.

I hope you get some help x

Feel for you,my Mum is not well at the moment and is 200 miles away.

I've been up there more in the last month than i have for ages.

Guilt is an awful thing but luckily for me my DC are older.

And NO,YANBU.

I know its hard but if she doesn't have long to live, wouldn't you want to spend a bit of time with her at least? Maybe not during the holidays but in a week or two on a Friday night/Saturday morning or Saturday night/Sunday morning.

There is an elderly parents area on MN.

Try there for really good support.

Oh fber YANBU.
You want to help her more but your DC need you as well.
My DM spent day and night with her DM for many months before she passed away.
Macmillan nurses came and went and my mum wouldn't let anyone help really. It made mum ill and she was exhausted. It took her over a year to recover (just about) from the exhaustion.
You need to share looking after your mum and get everyone on board. Macmillan nurses will stay at night too.
It's so so sad, don't feel guilty, you are doing your best.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

No, YANBU. I went through the same thing with my mum nearly 4 years ago - except she was in hospital rather than being cared for at home. My DCs were then aged 3 and 1, and I had nobody to leave them with so I could only visit my mum when DH was at home with them. You are doing as much as you can, and you can't leave your DCs by themselves so you don't have any choice about doing any more anyway. You say that your mum has the Marie Curie nurses at night, and they are much more qualified to look after your mum than you are.

Cancer (I assume that's what this is) is horrible and it can really change someone's personality, as you've found out, and I'm sorry your mum is at the angry stage. Hopefully this will pass soon and she will become more peaceful and settled.

HAs your sister checked to see if she could get compassionate leave? Most firms will do it, and it may not be paid, but some firms will be very generous in that sort of circumstance.