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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

with my mother wanting some sort of secret club with my daughter?

77 replies

VickyCM · 13/12/2011 22:56

I don't know if I am overreacting but my mother keeps talking to my daughter (she is three months - I know, I know) and saying things like ' Nanna is going to spoil you and you mustn't tell Mummy' and ' we will have more fun than with Mummy' and my favourite ' love Nanna, hate Mummy day' it is driving me mad and I think she thinks it is funny or she is trying to be funny but I am getting upset by it. If I try to tell her to do something my way she usually sees it as a huge slight and gets angry. Also she tips the pram to see my daughter and this drives me mad- I have told her not to do it but she still does!
vent over!! not sure how I should tell her to stop as she can be unreasonable.

OP posts:

maighdlin · 14/12/2011 00:14

my mum's belter to DD was "now if you want anything and your mummy and daddy won't give you it you phone granny and granny will come down and biff them" she was about a year old at the time...

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 07:57

My Mum used to do the 'I can't say anything right' thing, and I just say 'yes you can, but that wasn't one of them'. It takes all the melodrama out of the situation and she will soon stop doing it.

This is why I would ignore, treat her like the 2 yr old and don't give her the attention for it. Therefore RomanChristingle has a good response-it takes out the melodrama-isn't direct and doesn't need to be taken further.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 07:59

It only happens with babies. When they walk and get a voice of their own they look at Nanna as if she is a bit weird and move on.

CailinDana · 14/12/2011 08:42

My mum does the same. I'm dreading Christmas as she'll be staying here for four days and it'll be non stop. Luckily she lives in a different country so I don't have to contend with it often. My mother has a huge problem showing affection and rather than being loving and kind she tends to be nasty. She's always been like that. I find it really hard and hurtful because it makes it so obvious how emotionally stunted she is and reminds me of my childhood. I don't say anything as I'm not able to.

mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 14/12/2011 08:50

exoticfruits is right, this does only happen with babies. The trouble is that, in my case, once my kids started looking at Granny like she was weird and generally not liking her much, she just decided that they were badly brought up and rude.

Crosshair · 14/12/2011 08:57

I would nip it in the bud otherwise it will never end. I think some mums have a habbit of speaking without thinking how hurtful the stuff they say can be.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 14/12/2011 09:03

Gah, nip it in the bud. Call her on it every time and if she whinges about not being able to say anything right, suggest she tries harder. Ask her how she would like it if you had a Hate Nanna day. Ask her why she feels she has to make hateful comments. Explain that you're worried she is going to appear bitter and unhinged to others and you're worried for her .

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 09:03

It will end-as soon as the DC is old enough. You don't need to let it be hurtful, just let it wash over you. It is hurtful if you take it seriously and give her attention. The best way, if you can't ignore, is to use the silly singsong voice and say 'silly old nanna, she goes potty over babies'.
The best way is to ignore-and the one people find the most difficult!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2011 09:19

I would have to pull her up about the 'hate' comment. That's just plain wrong.
"... she will then say (as she always does) 'I can't say anything right'"
My response would be "In what way is telling her to hate me 'right you mad old bag ?"

OP, I get the impression this sort of behaviour is not isolated, just an 'enhanced' version of her bloody annoying norm - how much contact with her do you have? Does she visit you or vice versa?

TubbyDuffs · 14/12/2011 09:23

I would ask her if she would like us to have a "Love Mummy hate Nanna day" as well and see what she says.

I would be pissed off with that one, but the rest wouldn't bother me that much, I would just ignore her, it sounds like she can see you are wound up and enjoys doing it. Ignoring her won't give her the fuel she needs.

ProfYaffle · 14/12/2011 09:26

I agree with exotic. My Dad was very similar when dd1 was a baby but it stopped when she got old enough to ask for me and walk back over to me when he was trying to take her away.

It was a hard phase though and the nadir of my relationship with him as he just wouldn't listen to me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2011 09:29

It's just 'competition', isn't it? Two mothers. Your mum is unfortunately (and stupidly) trying to bolster her own ego as a mother by latching on to her grandchild as if it were her daughter.

Perhaps she's struggling with her role as grandmother, no longer the key matriarch in the family as you are now a mother also, OP?

Definitely nip the 'hate mummy' day in the bud, it's unnecessary and unkind.

LovesBloominChristmas · 14/12/2011 09:30

I wouldn't be able to bite my lip and would have said that's fine one love Nanna hate mummy day and 6 hate Nanna live mummy days (innocent smile)

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 14/12/2011 10:22

She sounds insecure. I'd go with Roman's suggestion. "Isn't Nanna being silly?" Best to patronise (through your baby ofcourse).

My mum can be a bit like this. I don't mind her calling DD her best pal, no biggy really. I do mind that whenever I call DS "My best boy" she always makes a point of saying "no, Nanny's best boy!" Whatever.

oldmerryolesoul · 14/12/2011 11:10

My Mum used to the "oh you can come and stay with Nana, and you can do/eat what you want and Mummy wont know, cos we wont tell her will we". This was only earlier this year and DS was 5 and it did come out of the blue.

I reminded her that she had gone the right way to ensure she WOULDN'T get to have DS to stay, cue lots of backtracking

nativitywreck · 14/12/2011 11:16

Oh OP. Nip it right in the bud.

When ds was a baby and we would go out with my mum, she used to always bring an extra fleece for him, and a snack, a drink, and a spare nappy.
Because clearly I am too incompetant to keep my baby warm, fed and clean.

She would also write in his red medical book without asking me.
There was a definite problem with boundries-she couldnt handle being the granmother, not the mother.
I still have to reign her in regularly, and she also "can't say anything right"

She rolls her eyes when I tell ds off in front of her, and actually talks over me when i pull him up on something:
I might be saying "ds, please don't wave your fork in people's faces" and she will say really loudly to him, over me "darling, would you like some apple crumble? Hmm? With custard"

Aaaaarggh.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 11:33

People vastly underestimate the power of ignoring-they will insist on having the last word. The DC won't put up with it when they are old enough.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2011 11:59

I agree, dependant on context exoticfruits. But the insidious effect of drip-drip-drip shouldn't be underestimated either.

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 12:43

"hate mummy day"? No kid of mine would ever get to spend time with a person like that, regardless of who they are. She needs to be taught a lesson. Withdraw for a while to allow her to adjust her attitude.

TardlyWhiptrack · 14/12/2011 14:54

Nip in bud. But something direct might prove better than passive-aggressive talking back to the baby:

'Mum, if you plan to be the kind of grandmother who thinks it's a good idea to undermine your grandchild's mother, your own daughter, you'll end up seeing less of both of us. Is that what you want?'

'Hate mummy day? I beg your pardon? How horrible. If I didn't know better, I'd say that was a nasty bit of jealousy talking. Don't you think it would be nicer to say that you love your own daughter enough to respect her as a wonderful mother to your wonderful granddaughter? Or are you planning on being the bitter undermining kind of grandmother? I do hope not, I'd hate it if we ended up dreading your visits.'

Hate that kind of crap - can you tell? My own grandmother did it. Far more damaging than you realise...horrible to hear that nonsense when you're a child and to feel the undertone. Horrible to look at your mummy's mummy and hear her sneering at her daughter and feeling just a little less secure in your own little world! Really OP, do do do nip it in the bud, make your feelings clear - such a horrid road for your mum to go down.

daveywarbeck · 14/12/2011 14:59

NPD. Google it.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 16:08

People are funny! This is the grandmother-I would hate to have to justify to my DC that she didn't have a relationship because when she was a baby she was banned for saying 'lets have a hate mummy day' in a silly voice. I expect the DC would say 'grow up-you are as bad as each other!'

People get stupidly possessive of babies. As soon as the baby is old enough it votes with it's feet, and gives that sort of person a wide berth, so they stop and treat it like a human being!

I still think that toddler type behaviour = toddler remedy=ignore.
If you can't then just play it back in a parody saying -'what a silly nanna you have-I expect she will grow out of it'.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 14/12/2011 16:12

I don't agree that you should in any way grit your teeth and ignore. I think you need to stop it and stop it now.

What are you going to do in 3 years time when she's asking your little girl if she loves grandma more and talking about mean mummy and you know I love you more etc etc

She won't stop. You realise that, don't you?

If you don't stop it now, your daughter will be hearing such shit at an age when she does understand and it will be a hell of a lot harder to deal with then, because it will have been going on for years.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 16:26

Of course she will stop-the DC isn't a possession. They are not stupid,as a DC I would have avoided an adult like that-I would have found them quite scary.
People do it with babies-because the poor baby has to put up with all the my baby rubbish. They are not my anything, they are their own person.

WilsonFrickett · 14/12/2011 16:32

When I was on ML I used to go and meet my mother for lunch, which would include DS being shown round her entire office with loud cries of 'everyone! Here's my baby!'. To which my reply of 'Hi everyone, yes, I am Wilsonsmother's baby, that other baby she's holding is actually mine' didn't really ever stop her.

Fastforward to the last time she said it to DS - he'd be about 5 - to which the response from him was 'Sorry Grandma, I think you've got it mixed up. My mummy was your baby, but now she is your big girl, and I was my mummy's baby but now I am her big boy because I am 5'. Brilliant and she never said it again

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